Feels Like Starting Over

Will had given himself a couple of days to think about Kevin's latest email before answering it. Hearing from his ex was less of a surprise, this time, but it was harder to deal with what had been said. Will didn't want to hear about Kevin being attacked or know that his sister missed him. Still, he couldn't just ignore him or let this go.

To: 1017071@sccc.doc.wa.gov
From: will_porter@livejournal.com

Subject: Don't thank me

Kevin

I'd intended to sit down and write out a rational reply. But reading your email several times has left me feeling less than fucking rational.

Where the hell do you get off? Do you think I'm stupid enough to buy the wounded bullshit and your not so subtle ploy for sympathy? You forget, sweetheart, I know you. I may have been too much of a wuss to tell you what I thought before, but not anymore. Being with Orlando has changed me and made me stronger. I'm no longer going to take anyone's bullshit then line up and ask for more. I'm done with letting people walk all over me.

What do you want me to say? I'm sorry you were hurt? Like hell I'll ever be sorry about something like that. You deserve everything you get. I don't think you can ever understand what you put me through. I loved you, I trusted you, and I put up with an amazing amount of your shit until I just couldn't do it anymore. What did wanting to be free of you get me? You were going to kill me, Kevin, or have you forgotten that in the rush of all your newfound understanding? You held a gun to my head, you asshole, and I know damn well you would have killed us both if not for Orlando and Logan. You held me against my will, you beat me and you sexually assaulted me. I don't believe for one second that you're remorseful. Do you know why? People like you have no fucking conscience, so how the hell can you be sorry for anything you do to anyone?

But I don't hate you, Kevin. I pity you. And, believe it or not, I really am trying to work up the strength to forgive you. I refuse to let what you did turn me into a victim. I'm living my life and you will not have any kind of hold over me.

Don't mention your sister to me again. She's lucky to be free of you and is blessed to be unaware of the sack of shit she has for a brother.

Will

P.S. If you want another picture of me, pick up a tabloid. There should be one of me and Orli in there somewhere. Enjoy.

I love exercising. Yes, the health benefits are great, and the high I get from it is something I definitely miss when I don't get in my workout. But, and this is hard for me to admit, I also like the way it makes me look. I know Orlando appreciates it, too, so now I work out for him as much as I do for myself. I'm in very good shape and I can admit that I look pretty good. Nothing's sagging, nothing's bulging unless it's supposed to, and I'm not ashamed to take off my clothes shirt in public. While I'm blushing a little while I type this, the fact remains that I believe it's time I embrace my assets and stop being self-depracating if I receive a compliment. All right, I'm lying. I'm still going to blush if someone compliments me. Damn it. The reason I think it's so hard for me to be vain is because I wasn't raised to feel good about myself in any way. Anything I thought I did well was immediately put down by my father and I was told pride was sinful. That's another story, though.

I was a complete geek growing up. I had braces, I was ugly, I was picked on, I never stood up for myself and I couldn't fight a lick. (I still can't fight and I was hesitant to learn for a very long time. Once, I tried to take a boxing class, but I had to quit the first night because I had a panic attack. Getting my ass kicked by my dad on a regular basis has made me shy away from anything resembling violence. But, now that I feel a genuine need to be able to protect the man I love, I'm thinking about taking a class again. I'm strong, but I don't know how to use that strength.)

In high school, I scored extremely well on assessment tests but never applied myself in class for fear of being labeled "the smart kid." I didn't want to stand out, I never wanted to be recognized for my accomplishments, and I certainly never wanted to let on that I was a lot cleverer than people thought. I got over that in college, by the way, but I still liked to be modest and keep a low profile. You see, if people underestimate you while they think they're stepping all over you, they tend to become comfortable and complacent and are shocked when you fight back. I haven't come right out and said this before, and I won't say it again, but remember the following: I'm friendly, I smile a lot, I talk a lot and I sometimes play dumb. But I'm not an idiot. If I genuinely like you, you'll know it. It'll usually involve me talking to you on a regular basis and having fun with you while I do it. I'm loyal to my friends until the day they give me a reason to no longer trust them. After that happens, I'm still friendly, but guarded. Lastly, and please excuse the language, if you ever fuck with the people I care about, most especially the man I love, I will find a way to make sure you pay for it. I can admit that it takes a lot to make me truly angry, but once I am, you won't find anything remotely amusing about it.

No, I haven't taken cranky pills today, I'm just putting out a fair warning that I'm no longer a doormat. (If you're reading this, K, and you probably are, I'm not scared of you anymore.) Trust me, this goes to issues I've had since way back. I've also decided that I'm going to retool my friends list for simplicity's sake. If I have you friended, but you haven't friended me back, I'm going to remove you and make all my entries friends only. (Plus, I don't read anyone's journal if they don't have me friended, so, really, what's the point?) Reading my journal without friending me is a bit like spying on me and I don't appreciate that. I'm very hinky about privacy matters now and I'd appreciate anything I have to say in here not being shared with outsiders. I know I can trust my friends and, frankly, as I've just explained, I don't need validation from strangers to make me feel special. If I do get wind of anything private being shared, I'll unfriend you, too. This will be my last public post.

That's all.

( ooc )

[Backdated to early December]

http://logan-maxwell.livejournal.com/52697.html

I probably shouldn't be giggling at infomercials for penis pumps. I mean, erectile dysfunction is a serious problem for a lot of men! Um, not that it's ever happened to me, of course. *coughs* Well, there was that one time when Talia was yelling at me because I accidentally broke a jar of honey powder all over the bathroom floor and ruined our evening.

Speaking of the lovely ex... She came over tonight. She's getting cold feet and actually told me she still loves me and asked if I wanted to get back together for one last roll in the hay. To be fair, she was drunk, so I undressed her, put her to bed and told her I'd get back to her in the morning. She's sleeping it off in the guest room as I type this. I won't say anything to her about it once she sobers up. I think it's just a bad case of nerves because I know she hasn't loved me for a very long time. I called lawyer man to tell him that she was okay, but he didn't sound all that concerned and invited me to his bachelor party tomorrow. I passed. Watching him get a lap dance from a stripper just isn't on my list of things to do.

I can't believe that parents are complaining that a new kids' book about two male penguins adopting a baby penguin and raising it together has "gay overtones." They want it placed in the restricted section of school libraries for "mature issues." I remember that news story about the penguins at the New York Zoo who did that and I thought it was adorable. I just thought of something. Remember that show "My Two Dads"? The premise was that the kid's mom had sex with two guys around the same time and either didn't know or didn't want to say who the father was, so both men had to raise the kid after the mom died or ran away or whatever the hell it was. I don't remember people getting upset about some child not knowing who her dad was because her mom was a slut. But if those two dads were a loving gay couple raising a kid they wanted, it never would have made it on the air.

Oh my god, and now they're talking about possible womb transplants in women and maybe a day when wombs can be implanted in MEN. Yup, pregnant men could be in the future. I would never trust a man to carry a baby. You just know that during some joyous moment of celebration during a sporting event, two pregnant guys would do that chest and stomach bumping thing. The thought of medical science ever doing something like that before they find a cure for cancer makes me shudder. Plus, it's just too Dr. Frankenstein for me. Just because it could be done, doesn't mean it should be done.

I almost forgot... Mom helped me look through a couple of boxes today for something I need and she found the tape Kevin and I made. I'm thankful that it was labeled so there wasn't the possibility of her putting it in the machine to see what it was and seeing her son's... Well, you know. But the fact that the label said "Kev and Will's homemade porn" was enough to make me want to crawl under the sofa and never come out. I'd completely forgotten about it. She laughed but I could tell she was a little embarrassed, and she even scolded me for being stupid enough to put that stuff on tape. It's okay, though. I'm pretty sure I have the only copy. I'm not making any more sex tapes. Unless I keep them under lock and key in a safe in a box in Fort Knox so Mom can't find them.

Jon Stewart is so cute! Just a random note because I'm watching the Daily Show and I think he's adorable. And, you know, Stephen Colbert cracks me up and is kind of sexy... Sure, maybe I need to get my news from a source other than Comedy Central, but there aren't any other anchors who're that kind of eye candy.

Ann came over for a visit today without Helene. We had tea and chatted about a few things that are on her mind. Luckily, she left before I grew breasts and my dick dropped off. Actually, she's having some trouble with H and I feel bad for her. I promised not to say anything to anyone (and it doesn't matter that anyone who'd see this doesn't know them) so I won't go into detail here, but after ten years together, maybe A needs to have fewer expectations. Not that I'm taking H's side or anything, but really, doesn't there come a point in a relationship when you have to accept the bad about someone as well as the good not only because you love them but because you'd like them to do the same for you? Sometimes it seems as if people think they're perfect and rush to pick out faults in others without looking at the faults within themselves. Hmm, I wonder if I should list out my faults and give them to Orli, just to give him a heads up.

Mom bought Blade and Wendell some sweaters (for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and a generic winter one). They are so cute, but I'm really worried that she's going to have a hard time when I move out and take them with me. And I don't think I can take Jake and Lani from Pete. I went to visit them this morning and they were so happy to see me. But I can tell that they're very attached to Peter, and vice versa. I'm so sad. But so grateful to him for taking care of them. But they're my babies. Or they were... I guess I don't need four dogs, right? And I couldn't move with all four of my babies. Okay, there's time to think about this.

I got a letter from Kevin. I threw it out.

[locked]

I'm having a teeny bopper moment. On the outside, I'm cool as a cuke, but inside? There's squealing and possibly some cartwheels and/or bouncing.

He said he loves me.

I didn't push him to say it and I wasn't expecting him to say it, and I would have honestly been just as happy with him if he never said it. He's so wonderful at showing it and I feel so loved when we're together. Plus, experience has taught me that you can say anything you like, but if your actions don't back it up, the words are pretty hollow. So, no, I wasn't waiting for it like some desperate girl waiting for a proposal.

But - and here's where the teeny bopper thing comes in - when he did say it, I felt so happy, I wanted to squeal and call up everyone I know to tell them. In a way, it gave me the okay to stop holding back for fear of making him feel pressured by my own feelings for him. Does that make sense? It did when I was thinking it...

Anyway, that's where we stand. Two guys in love despite the fact that nobody thinks we should be.

Now I get nostalgic and cease being a "real" man (if I ever was one):
( Read more... )

TALIA'S GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!

Mom told me that an old friend of hers who knows the guy who dyes Talia's best friend's hair said he overheard her talking to Talia on the cellphone about Talia's upcoming nuptials! From what he could gather, the boyfriend had given Talia an ultimatum - marry him or lose him. I guess his little plan to keep screwing me by just living with her wasn't quite working out as he'd planned. Though, I wouldn't doubt if it was all Talia's little plan to keep making me pay and he just went along with it. I also don't doubt for a second that she loves the guy. He was her divorce attorney and they were fucking around during our divorce proceedings. She lived up to the woman scorned stereotype and, thanks to him, practically cleaned me out. Why wouldn't she love him? Plus, I know that he makes a hell of a good living with his practice, so she probably sees dollar signs whenever she looks into his eyes. Who said romance was dead?

Man...I can't believe it. It's like some wonderful dream... I would pinch myself, but just in case it's not real, I don't want to wake up. And it's not so much about the money.

( [LOCKED] )

It's the fact that she only wanted me to pay for cheating on her with Peter. Period. Her pride was hurt and she was going to get her pound of flesh one way or another. She got the house and practically all its contents, the cars, and even the boys. If she could have, she probably would have taken my job so I'd be completely destitute. All to punish me for what I did. Never mind that our marriage had practically been over for years. I let her screw me over - even though my divorce attorney wanted to throttle me - because I understood how deeply I'd hurt her. To this day, I totally understand why she hates me, and no matter how hopeful I am that one day we can sit down like civilized adults and talk, I'm not going to wait for her to stop cursing me every chance she gets. Still, it's not as if I tried to sue her for being a cold unfeeling bitch long before Peter even came back into my life.

Shit, I'm trying to be more forgiving and less judgmental. Deep breath, etc.

Good luck to her. May she live a long, happy, healthy life with her new husband. And, dear lord god, please don't let him turn out to be gay.

...or 'Why Will's Mad at Pete'


Will drummed his fingers on the table, looking around the restaurant as he waited for Peter. His friend had been tied up with a meeting for most of the morning, but had promised to call if he had to cancel their lunch date. Another look at his watch and Will began to wonder if Peter had forgotten him.
( Read more... )

BT
ooc: Until I've decided when bendy time catches up with real time, Will's posts will be marked with a teeny 'BT' at the top.

This will be short.

I'm home. Mom hasn't left my side since I got in and she's been trying to feed me non-stop. I haven't talked to her about what happened and she's not pushing. She's just taking care of me. Blade and Wendell have been really clingy, too. It's so sweet. They're on my bed right now.

Now that I can, I might go back to my daily posts. We'll see.

I'm sleepy, I miss Orlando, Kevin's an asshole and Peter's staying over tonight because I don't want to sleep alone. The lug's way too good at being a security blanket.

Meds then bed.