porter_inc: (serious)
Will had given himself a couple of days to think about Kevin's latest email before answering it. Hearing from his ex was less of a surprise, this time, but it was harder to deal with what had been said. Will didn't want to hear about Kevin being attacked or know that his sister missed him. Still, he couldn't just ignore him or let this go.

To: 1017071@sccc.doc.wa.gov
From: will_porter@livejournal.com

Subject: Don't thank me

Kevin

I'd intended to sit down and write out a rational reply. But reading your email several times has left me feeling less than fucking rational.

Where the hell do you get off? Do you think I'm stupid enough to buy the wounded bullshit and your not so subtle ploy for sympathy? You forget, sweetheart, I know you. I may have been too much of a wuss to tell you what I thought before, but not anymore. Being with Orlando has changed me and made me stronger. I'm no longer going to take anyone's bullshit then line up and ask for more. I'm done with letting people walk all over me.

What do you want me to say? I'm sorry you were hurt? Like hell I'll ever be sorry about something like that. You deserve everything you get. I don't think you can ever understand what you put me through. I loved you, I trusted you, and I put up with an amazing amount of your shit until I just couldn't do it anymore. What did wanting to be free of you get me? You were going to kill me, Kevin, or have you forgotten that in the rush of all your newfound understanding? You held a gun to my head, you asshole, and I know damn well you would have killed us both if not for Orlando and Logan. You held me against my will, you beat me and you sexually assaulted me. I don't believe for one second that you're remorseful. Do you know why? People like you have no fucking conscience, so how the hell can you be sorry for anything you do to anyone?

But I don't hate you, Kevin. I pity you. And, believe it or not, I really am trying to work up the strength to forgive you. I refuse to let what you did turn me into a victim. I'm living my life and you will not have any kind of hold over me.

Don't mention your sister to me again. She's lucky to be free of you and is blessed to be unaware of the sack of shit she has for a brother.

Will

P.S. If you want another picture of me, pick up a tabloid. There should be one of me and Orli in there somewhere. Enjoy.
porter_inc: (shadow)
ooc: I argued with pup and won on the point that since he can't "lock" this post from Kevin (i.e. it's not his private thoughts), it can be public. Go me!

His first night in Los Angeles almost over, Will decides to give his email a quick check and make a post before heading to bed. The email from Kevin is unexpected, but instead of deleting it unread, morbid curiosity (and probably some inebriation) makes Will open it.

He reads it four times, gets a drink, then reads it again, not quite sure what he's feeling. David, his therapist, has mentioned closure with regards to Kevin, making a reply the first step towards that. His own paranoia makes him want to turn off his computer and go to bed. His need to be a better person - the kind of forgiving person he sees whenever he looks at Orlando - doesn't see the harm in a response. He reads the message one more time, drains the scotch in his glass, and hits reply.


To: pnw_pd@livejournal.com
From: will_porter@livejournal.com

Subject: Re: Please read this

Kevin,

You're right about the following things:

Sorry is inadequate. I am happy. You're one reason I locked my journal.

Things you should know:

I thought I hated you, but I don't. I want to make myself forgive you, but I can't. I don't trust you. I'm afraid of you. I don't miss you but I do miss the man I loved thought you were. I'm getting married.

There's no need for you to know anything more than that.

Will

P.S. I'm drunk. I'll probaby regret sending this come morning.
porter_inc: (body)
I love exercising. Yes, the health benefits are great, and the high I get from it is something I definitely miss when I don't get in my workout. But, and this is hard for me to admit, I also like the way it makes me look. I know Orlando appreciates it, too, so now I work out for him as much as I do for myself. I'm in very good shape and I can admit that I look pretty good. Nothing's sagging, nothing's bulging unless it's supposed to, and I'm not ashamed to take off my clothes shirt in public. While I'm blushing a little while I type this, the fact remains that I believe it's time I embrace my assets and stop being self-depracating if I receive a compliment. All right, I'm lying. I'm still going to blush if someone compliments me. Damn it. The reason I think it's so hard for me to be vain is because I wasn't raised to feel good about myself in any way. Anything I thought I did well was immediately put down by my father and I was told pride was sinful. That's another story, though.

I was a complete geek growing up. I had braces, I was ugly, I was picked on, I never stood up for myself and I couldn't fight a lick. (I still can't fight and I was hesitant to learn for a very long time. Once, I tried to take a boxing class, but I had to quit the first night because I had a panic attack. Getting my ass kicked by my dad on a regular basis has made me shy away from anything resembling violence. But, now that I feel a genuine need to be able to protect the man I love, I'm thinking about taking a class again. I'm strong, but I don't know how to use that strength.)

In high school, I scored extremely well on assessment tests but never applied myself in class for fear of being labeled "the smart kid." I didn't want to stand out, I never wanted to be recognized for my accomplishments, and I certainly never wanted to let on that I was a lot cleverer than people thought. I got over that in college, by the way, but I still liked to be modest and keep a low profile. You see, if people underestimate you while they think they're stepping all over you, they tend to become comfortable and complacent and are shocked when you fight back. I haven't come right out and said this before, and I won't say it again, but remember the following: I'm friendly, I smile a lot, I talk a lot and I sometimes play dumb. But I'm not an idiot. If I genuinely like you, you'll know it. It'll usually involve me talking to you on a regular basis and having fun with you while I do it. I'm loyal to my friends until the day they give me a reason to no longer trust them. After that happens, I'm still friendly, but guarded. Lastly, and please excuse the language, if you ever fuck with the people I care about, most especially the man I love, I will find a way to make sure you pay for it. I can admit that it takes a lot to make me truly angry, but once I am, you won't find anything remotely amusing about it.

No, I haven't taken cranky pills today, I'm just putting out a fair warning that I'm no longer a doormat. (If you're reading this, K, and you probably are, I'm not scared of you anymore.) Trust me, this goes to issues I've had since way back. I've also decided that I'm going to retool my friends list for simplicity's sake. If I have you friended, but you haven't friended me back, I'm going to remove you and make all my entries friends only. (Plus, I don't read anyone's journal if they don't have me friended, so, really, what's the point?) Reading my journal without friending me is a bit like spying on me and I don't appreciate that. I'm very hinky about privacy matters now and I'd appreciate anything I have to say in here not being shared with outsiders. I know I can trust my friends and, frankly, as I've just explained, I don't need validation from strangers to make me feel special. If I do get wind of anything private being shared, I'll unfriend you, too. This will be my last public post.

That's all.

ooc )
porter_inc: (thinking profile)
[locked]

I've started seeing the guy Dr. Irving recommended. I've been feeling so much better about everything, lately, but I'm doing this as a way to make sure I'm really ready to be married again. Does that sound weird? I'd think that proposing to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with would be the first clue that I am ready. But I'm scared because I don't want to screw this up. I haven't said anything to Orlando yet because I want to see how things go. Once I'm certain it'll help, I'll tell him.

Anyway, his name's David Blackney, he specializes in marriage and family therapy like Janice, and he reminds me of Mr. Rogers. He's very soft spoken, grandfatherly and wears a sweater. I actually got the Mr. Rogers theme song stuck in my head after our first session. Oy.

So far we've just been talking about my first marriage. It's a little strange to remember so many of the issues I had with Talia, and it's such a relief to go home to Orlando after it's all over. I don't feel overly emotional when I think about it, but I don't like dwelling on what's probably the biggest mistake of my life. He said he wants to talk about my other relationships, too, and what makes this one different enough for me to make this kind of commitment. Gee, talking about Kevin's going to be fun. There was actually a time when I considered marrying him - or thought about considering it, anyway - and knowing that scares the shit out of me. I was so caught up in him, and while it wasn't nearly as intense as what I feel for Orli, it was serious. And I couldn't have been more wrong about who he was. I know David's going to make me talk about the break up and the rape attack. I just hope it's quick. If he wants to start talking about Dad and the abuse, I'll just refer him to Janice. I'm not interested in going down that road with anyone but Orli, and that's only if he ever asks me about it.

I have to call Sandy this week. I'd like to arrange for her to meet me in L.A. when I'm ready to fly back to New York so we can take the same flight back. It'll be good to see her and I can explain in person that her being hired will be contingent on Orli meeting her and feeling that he can trust her to do the job. She's a smart woman so I'm sure she won't be expecting anything less

Okay

Dec. 30th, 2006 01:44 am
porter_inc: (side)
Something's really bothering me.

[locked] )

I think I'm coming down with a cold. Just in time for New Year's Eve. Go me.
porter_inc: (cappucino)
[locked to Orlando]

Kevin's clean.

I contacted the detective who'd interviewed me after the shooting and told him my concerns about the attack. He said that he would contact the doctors who tested Kevin when he was taken to prison and try to let me know if I have anything to be worried about. We can't let anyone know that they told him, but he said he wanted to ease my mind. I guess that means that we just have to get tested to be sure and then... Well, you know. :-)

[/locked]

I called the woman claiming to be my sister. What convinced me to do it was an old letter Mom found among Dad's papers where some woman told him about her children missing their daddy. Mom told me that he'd received the letter about two years after she and Dad had gotten married but had told her that the woman was the widow of an old friend. She never questioned it until I showed her the letter I received and the woman said who her mother was. It was the same lady who'd sent my dad that letter all those years ago. It's not definitive proof, by any means, but it's a hell of a coincidence.

Anyway, I called the woman (Evelyn Harper, 34 of Los Angeles) and told her I'd be willing to take a DNA test. She told me how her mother had passed away in March of this year and it was after her death that she found out who her and her brother's real father was. She was in the process of trying to find him when she started seeing things about me in the papers and one article did a background feature and mentioned my parents. She said we have the same eyes and that's what made her write me. Now, that's weird, because I was always told I have my Uncle John's eyes and he was Mom's brother. I guess Dad had some hidden blue-eyed gene or something. I would laugh so hard if he had a gay brother, too, and that's why he was so afraid for me to turn out queer. Anyway, I should stop rambling.

Everything's still sort of a jumbled mess in my head right now, but here's what I know:

Cynthia Harper met my dad in 1968 when he was stationed at Fort Bliss. They never married and Dad refused to let their children have his name. They had a son together, Tobias Charles Harper, who was born on September 17, 1969. Evelyn Rose Harper was born on May 20, 1972. Charles, as he prefers to be called, lives in Austin, Texas, works for a bank(!) and is married with three children - two boys, ages 6 and 2, and one girl, age 4. Charles wants nothing to do with the search or with me and, apparently, he looks very much like Dad. Evelyn lives in L.A., works as a casting director, is single with no children.

The thing that I can't get over is the fact that Evie was just shy of seven months old and Charles was 3 when Dad married Mom. How could he do that? Even if he didn't know about her, he knew damn well he had a son. And how could he ignore the letter he received, knowing he had, by that time, a two year-old daughter and a five year-old son who needed their father? I suppose I've already decided that she's telling the truth, but the test will let us know for sure. Mom said that no matter what the results are, she still wants to get to know this woman, and if Charles changes his mind, him too. She wasn't angry with me or Cynthia (Evie's mom) or Evelyn or Charles. She's not upset that Dad had another family he didn't tell her about, because she'd always had her suspicions. She's angry with Dad for abandoning his children.

I love my mother so much.

And I just might have an older brother and sister.

Thoughts

Nov. 17th, 2006 06:05 am
porter_inc: (cappucino heart)
I probably shouldn't be giggling at infomercials for penis pumps. I mean, erectile dysfunction is a serious problem for a lot of men! Um, not that it's ever happened to me, of course. *coughs* Well, there was that one time when Talia was yelling at me because I accidentally broke a jar of honey powder all over the bathroom floor and ruined our evening.

Speaking of the lovely ex... She came over tonight. She's getting cold feet and actually told me she still loves me and asked if I wanted to get back together for one last roll in the hay. To be fair, she was drunk, so I undressed her, put her to bed and told her I'd get back to her in the morning. She's sleeping it off in the guest room as I type this. I won't say anything to her about it once she sobers up. I think it's just a bad case of nerves because I know she hasn't loved me for a very long time. I called lawyer man to tell him that she was okay, but he didn't sound all that concerned and invited me to his bachelor party tomorrow. I passed. Watching him get a lap dance from a stripper just isn't on my list of things to do.

I can't believe that parents are complaining that a new kids' book about two male penguins adopting a baby penguin and raising it together has "gay overtones." They want it placed in the restricted section of school libraries for "mature issues." I remember that news story about the penguins at the New York Zoo who did that and I thought it was adorable. I just thought of something. Remember that show "My Two Dads"? The premise was that the kid's mom had sex with two guys around the same time and either didn't know or didn't want to say who the father was, so both men had to raise the kid after the mom died or ran away or whatever the hell it was. I don't remember people getting upset about some child not knowing who her dad was because her mom was a slut. But if those two dads were a loving gay couple raising a kid they wanted, it never would have made it on the air.

Oh my god, and now they're talking about possible womb transplants in women and maybe a day when wombs can be implanted in MEN. Yup, pregnant men could be in the future. I would never trust a man to carry a baby. You just know that during some joyous moment of celebration during a sporting event, two pregnant guys would do that chest and stomach bumping thing. The thought of medical science ever doing something like that before they find a cure for cancer makes me shudder. Plus, it's just too Dr. Frankenstein for me. Just because it could be done, doesn't mean it should be done.

I almost forgot... Mom helped me look through a couple of boxes today for something I need and she found the tape Kevin and I made. I'm thankful that it was labeled so there wasn't the possibility of her putting it in the machine to see what it was and seeing her son's... Well, you know. But the fact that the label said "Kev and Will's homemade porn" was enough to make me want to crawl under the sofa and never come out. I'd completely forgotten about it. She laughed but I could tell she was a little embarrassed, and she even scolded me for being stupid enough to put that stuff on tape. It's okay, though. I'm pretty sure I have the only copy. I'm not making any more sex tapes. Unless I keep them under lock and key in a safe in a box in Fort Knox so Mom can't find them.

Well...

Nov. 6th, 2006 05:54 pm
porter_inc: (cappucino)
Takes place after this.

So I've started this meditation thing, trying to be more patient and a better person. I've been trying to live a peaceful life, being kinder and gentler to my fellow human beings. It helps that lately I've only wanted to be sweaty and naked with my favorite human being, but that aside, I've been working on being a better man.

Can you believe I think it's starting to pay off? Sort of.

Remember that interview that Kevin was supposed to do with that television station in Seattle? I don't know if the letter he sent me was connected to it in any way - and I really don't care. I didn't read the damn thing and I hope I don't hear from him again. Anyway, the interview is being postponed because Kevin's in the infirmary. According to Sandy, the news reported that a fellow prisoner attacked Kevin. There weren't any more details disclosed, and authorities are chalking it up to Kevin's status as a cop.

I know that I said I didn't want anything to happen to him, and this probably doesn't jibe with my whole "good will to all men" thing, but there's a part of me that's glad this happened. He hurt me. He terrorized me and he made me feel like shit. He threatened my friends and he almost killed me and them. If someone got a little cosmic payback, then more power to them.

[locked]
The fucker raped me, so maybe someone did that to him. I hope they did. I hate feeling vindictive, but... I wish Orli had killed him. I wish I'd told Iris she could kill him. I wish someone in prison would kill him. I can't stop feeling him on top of me, hearing him telling me he loves me while he's forcing himself inside me, and I hate him for still being with me that way every time I close my goddamn eyes. The only time I get any peace is when I'm with Orlando. It's not just when we're making love. Just spending time with him makes me feel safe and at ease. I'm less anxious and less antsy when I can talk to him, I feel less angry when I can see him. I love him. He makes me happy but he saves me, too. Maybe it's unfair to put all that on him, but I have so much faith in him as a human being as well as a partner. I know people can't understand how quickly things have moved, but I can and I can't be bothered to explain or justify it. I just know I want to be with him in literally every way possible. Right now, Kevin is ruining that because I'm getting hung up on something. I really want to ask Orli to top me because I know it's going to be as amazing as everything else we've done. But I can't. I'm terrified that I'm going to start thinking of Kevin. It hasn't become an issue or anything but I need to get over it before it does. I need to get over it. I need to fucking get over it.
[/locked]

Of course, now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn't be happy that violence was the solution. Unless it was just karma for what he did to me. I'm confused now.
porter_inc: (cappucino heart)
Jon Stewart is so cute! Just a random note because I'm watching the Daily Show and I think he's adorable. And, you know, Stephen Colbert cracks me up and is kind of sexy... Sure, maybe I need to get my news from a source other than Comedy Central, but there aren't any other anchors who're that kind of eye candy.

Ann came over for a visit today without Helene. We had tea and chatted about a few things that are on her mind. Luckily, she left before I grew breasts and my dick dropped off. Actually, she's having some trouble with H and I feel bad for her. I promised not to say anything to anyone (and it doesn't matter that anyone who'd see this doesn't know them) so I won't go into detail here, but after ten years together, maybe A needs to have fewer expectations. Not that I'm taking H's side or anything, but really, doesn't there come a point in a relationship when you have to accept the bad about someone as well as the good not only because you love them but because you'd like them to do the same for you? Sometimes it seems as if people think they're perfect and rush to pick out faults in others without looking at the faults within themselves. Hmm, I wonder if I should list out my faults and give them to Orli, just to give him a heads up.

Mom bought Blade and Wendell some sweaters (for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and a generic winter one). They are so cute, but I'm really worried that she's going to have a hard time when I move out and take them with me. And I don't think I can take Jake and Lani from Pete. I went to visit them this morning and they were so happy to see me. But I can tell that they're very attached to Peter, and vice versa. I'm so sad. But so grateful to him for taking care of them. But they're my babies. Or they were... I guess I don't need four dogs, right? And I couldn't move with all four of my babies. Okay, there's time to think about this.

I got a letter from Kevin. I threw it out.
porter_inc: (cappucino heart)
Mom was on a mission today. I saw her walking through the house with a big black garbage bag and when I asked her what she was doing, she said that she was ridding the house of evil. In case you were wondering, the evil was magazines, tabloids and newspapers. She refuses to let Peter bring over any more, and if they show up, she refuses to let me see them. She's been worried that I keep taking so many things to heart and wants me to be blissfully ignorant. I guess from this moment on I can act as if there's no such thing as nasty gossip and innuendo. I really can't argue with her point that it stresses me out. Plus, I know that assholes will always exist and whatever I feel about them doesn't really matter. All that matters to me is being with Orli, helping him through all of this and seeing what each new day has in store for us. That's all that should have ever mattered and I hate that I wasted so much energy worrying about anything else. It would have helped if I didn't have to defend us to my mom and my best friend. That's the thing that's been getting to me the most, to be honest. What I read only echoed what I know they were thinking. That's a big reason for why I want to move out and get my own place.

Speaking of which, I asked Mom what she'll do when I move out and don't have her to censor my reading material for me. She started asking me why I wanted to move out, etc. I basically told her that I need a place of my own now and I wouldn't be too far away. I couldn't come right out and say that I'd want total privacy when Orlando visits, but I'm pretty sure she got it. I haven't mentioned this to anyone, but I'm thinking of asking Talia if I can buy our old house from her. She and lawyer man are going to get their own house, and since I love the neighborhood and I could get my other boys back, it would work out. I still have to meet with Talia and see what she says, but I'm hopeful.

I forgot to say how my soufflé turned out! According to the lesbians (btw, they do have names: Ann and Helene), it was very good for a first time and if I practice, I'll be great. Oh! I'm going to learn to make Yorkshire pudding, too. I want to be able to do it the next time Orli comes over and A&H are going to help me plan a menu. They really are turning out to be the sisters I wish I had growing up. They're both older than I am (35 and 36), so they're starting to see me as a little brother, too. At least that's how they're starting to treat me, which is kind of funny considering they wanted me to father their kid. What's weird is if they get back on the baby train, I would feel more comfortable saying yes. 'Course, it's easy for me to say since I know they're not ready right now.

Sandy (who really needs to come visit) called me with some news. I won't go into details but a Seattle news station is going to interview Kevin in prison. I'm livid. I want to sue and I want to get a gag order or something but I don't know if I can. Then again, I want to stick by my resolution to ignore all the shit and concentrate on the good stuff. And there's so much more good than bad in this whole thing. So much more.

Okay. I'm officially letting it go. What the hell can he say, anyway? He's as bad as the rest of them (worse, actually), and not worth my time or energy.

I think I need to go meditate. Or drink. Or make a call.
porter_inc: (cappucino heart)
[locked]

I'm having a teeny bopper moment. On the outside, I'm cool as a cuke, but inside? There's squealing and possibly some cartwheels and/or bouncing.

He said he loves me.

I didn't push him to say it and I wasn't expecting him to say it, and I would have honestly been just as happy with him if he never said it. He's so wonderful at showing it and I feel so loved when we're together. Plus, experience has taught me that you can say anything you like, but if your actions don't back it up, the words are pretty hollow. So, no, I wasn't waiting for it like some desperate girl waiting for a proposal.

But - and here's where the teeny bopper thing comes in - when he did say it, I felt so happy, I wanted to squeal and call up everyone I know to tell them. In a way, it gave me the okay to stop holding back for fear of making him feel pressured by my own feelings for him. Does that make sense? It did when I was thinking it...

Anyway, that's where we stand. Two guys in love despite the fact that nobody thinks we should be.

Now I get nostalgic and cease being a "real" man (if I ever was one):
Read more... )

A day

Oct. 17th, 2006 08:22 am
porter_inc: (hands)
I woke up this morning, feeling like shit. Today is Kevin's birthday. He's 28. I'd made plans for a celebration, but I forgot to cancel them. I'll call Sandy and ask her if she can either cancel the restaurant reservations for me or use them. There'll be roses and champagne, too. I'll ask her to call the hotel and cancel the suite. The present... Silver and gold pocketwatch with the date and a birthday message inscribed. Useless now. I found it so charming and sweet that he said he always wanted one. It seemed so old-fashioned and he was anything but. I would ask the jeweler to send it to him but I don't want to make him think I still care or anything.

[locked]

I wish I could stop crying. Despite everything, I do still care. A little. But not the way I did. I loved him. So much. He destroyed that, but I can't just hate him completely. I thought I could. I don't want to be with him and I would never take him back, but I can't help worrying about him. He needs help. And a cop going to prison... I don't want him dead. I don't know what happened to him to make him the way he is, but I could have turned out that way. The way my dad used to go after me, who's to say that I couldn't have grown up to be just like him? I'm just lucky. Maybe Kevin wasn't.

If I didn't have Orli right now, I think I'd drive myself crazy thinking about all of this. He's such a blessing, a light in my life, and I'm going to stop giving a damn what anyone else thinks about us. We're seeing each other because it's what we both want. I understand his guilt, but I'm going to stop feeling guilty and just be there for him the way he's there for me. Fuck the world. I need him.

[/locked]

I'll have the jeweler send the watch to me.

I'm going back to bed.
porter_inc: (cappucino)
TALIA'S GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!

Mom told me that an old friend of hers who knows the guy who dyes Talia's best friend's hair said he overheard her talking to Talia on the cellphone about Talia's upcoming nuptials! From what he could gather, the boyfriend had given Talia an ultimatum - marry him or lose him. I guess his little plan to keep screwing me by just living with her wasn't quite working out as he'd planned. Though, I wouldn't doubt if it was all Talia's little plan to keep making me pay and he just went along with it. I also don't doubt for a second that she loves the guy. He was her divorce attorney and they were fucking around during our divorce proceedings. She lived up to the woman scorned stereotype and, thanks to him, practically cleaned me out. Why wouldn't she love him? Plus, I know that he makes a hell of a good living with his practice, so she probably sees dollar signs whenever she looks into his eyes. Who said romance was dead?

Man...I can't believe it. It's like some wonderful dream... I would pinch myself, but just in case it's not real, I don't want to wake up. And it's not so much about the money.

[LOCKED] )

It's the fact that she only wanted me to pay for cheating on her with Peter. Period. Her pride was hurt and she was going to get her pound of flesh one way or another. She got the house and practically all its contents, the cars, and even the boys. If she could have, she probably would have taken my job so I'd be completely destitute. All to punish me for what I did. Never mind that our marriage had practically been over for years. I let her screw me over - even though my divorce attorney wanted to throttle me - because I understood how deeply I'd hurt her. To this day, I totally understand why she hates me, and no matter how hopeful I am that one day we can sit down like civilized adults and talk, I'm not going to wait for her to stop cursing me every chance she gets. Still, it's not as if I tried to sue her for being a cold unfeeling bitch long before Peter even came back into my life.

Shit, I'm trying to be more forgiving and less judgmental. Deep breath, etc.

Good luck to her. May she live a long, happy, healthy life with her new husband. And, dear lord god, please don't let him turn out to be gay.

Thinking

Oct. 12th, 2006 07:03 pm
porter_inc: (cappucino)
[locked from everybody]

I feel horrible. I mean, I feel great about so much. But it makes me feel horrible. But not completely. Which is just confusing.

I'm free of Kevin, he'll be going to prison any day now, Orli's been completely cleared of any wrongdoing and so far nothing's leaked out about the shooting. Thank god. I'm so happy with him and I just know that Mom and Peter will come around soon. They'd better, anyway. Like Orli and I have both said, we don't know what the future will bring, but for now we're good together. Really good.

But I feel awful about what he's lost. His baby girl died and he never even got to see her. I remember when Talia lost the baby - or said she did, anyway. Before I started to suspect her, and even though I wasn't that crazy about having a kid, I was still really thrown for a loop when I knew for sure there wouldn't be a baby. Orli really wanted this little girl, so how much harder must that be? On top of it, he's getting divorced from the woman who also happens to be his best friend, so the person he probably would have turned to for the support only best friends can give isn't there.

And, god, I can't even begin to imagine how Cordelia's feeling. I don't know her, I've only seen pictures of her, but I can't stop thinking about her. She's lost her baby and her husband. I can speculate that maybe the marriage would have ended in a gentler way than it will, but the baby... I wish I could stop thinking about it. And it's not as if Hallmark makes a card for something like this. I have no right to send condolences, and honestly I don't even feel as if I have the right to feel awful for her. But I do. And it's not guilt that makes me wish things could have gone down differently. I just don't think anyone deserves to be hurt that much.

Maybe I could send flowers?
porter_inc: (water)
...or 'Why Will's Mad at Pete'


Will drummed his fingers on the table, looking around the restaurant as he waited for Peter. His friend had been tied up with a meeting for most of the morning, but had promised to call if he had to cancel their lunch date. Another look at his watch and Will began to wonder if Peter had forgotten him.
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Oct. 5th, 2006 01:33 am
porter_inc: (cappucino)
BT
ooc: Until I've decided when bendy time catches up with real time, Will's posts will be marked with a teeny 'BT' at the top.


This will be short.

I'm home. Mom hasn't left my side since I got in and she's been trying to feed me non-stop. I haven't talked to her about what happened and she's not pushing. She's just taking care of me. Blade and Wendell have been really clingy, too. It's so sweet. They're on my bed right now.

Now that I can, I might go back to my daily posts. We'll see.

I'm sleepy, I miss Orlando, Kevin's an asshole and Peter's staying over tonight because I don't want to sleep alone. The lug's way too good at being a security blanket.

Meds then bed.

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