Feels Like Starting Over

I love exercising. Yes, the health benefits are great, and the high I get from it is something I definitely miss when I don't get in my workout. But, and this is hard for me to admit, I also like the way it makes me look. I know Orlando appreciates it, too, so now I work out for him as much as I do for myself. I'm in very good shape and I can admit that I look pretty good. Nothing's sagging, nothing's bulging unless it's supposed to, and I'm not ashamed to take off my clothes shirt in public. While I'm blushing a little while I type this, the fact remains that I believe it's time I embrace my assets and stop being self-depracating if I receive a compliment. All right, I'm lying. I'm still going to blush if someone compliments me. Damn it. The reason I think it's so hard for me to be vain is because I wasn't raised to feel good about myself in any way. Anything I thought I did well was immediately put down by my father and I was told pride was sinful. That's another story, though.

I was a complete geek growing up. I had braces, I was ugly, I was picked on, I never stood up for myself and I couldn't fight a lick. (I still can't fight and I was hesitant to learn for a very long time. Once, I tried to take a boxing class, but I had to quit the first night because I had a panic attack. Getting my ass kicked by my dad on a regular basis has made me shy away from anything resembling violence. But, now that I feel a genuine need to be able to protect the man I love, I'm thinking about taking a class again. I'm strong, but I don't know how to use that strength.)

In high school, I scored extremely well on assessment tests but never applied myself in class for fear of being labeled "the smart kid." I didn't want to stand out, I never wanted to be recognized for my accomplishments, and I certainly never wanted to let on that I was a lot cleverer than people thought. I got over that in college, by the way, but I still liked to be modest and keep a low profile. You see, if people underestimate you while they think they're stepping all over you, they tend to become comfortable and complacent and are shocked when you fight back. I haven't come right out and said this before, and I won't say it again, but remember the following: I'm friendly, I smile a lot, I talk a lot and I sometimes play dumb. But I'm not an idiot. If I genuinely like you, you'll know it. It'll usually involve me talking to you on a regular basis and having fun with you while I do it. I'm loyal to my friends until the day they give me a reason to no longer trust them. After that happens, I'm still friendly, but guarded. Lastly, and please excuse the language, if you ever fuck with the people I care about, most especially the man I love, I will find a way to make sure you pay for it. I can admit that it takes a lot to make me truly angry, but once I am, you won't find anything remotely amusing about it.

No, I haven't taken cranky pills today, I'm just putting out a fair warning that I'm no longer a doormat. (If you're reading this, K, and you probably are, I'm not scared of you anymore.) Trust me, this goes to issues I've had since way back. I've also decided that I'm going to retool my friends list for simplicity's sake. If I have you friended, but you haven't friended me back, I'm going to remove you and make all my entries friends only. (Plus, I don't read anyone's journal if they don't have me friended, so, really, what's the point?) Reading my journal without friending me is a bit like spying on me and I don't appreciate that. I'm very hinky about privacy matters now and I'd appreciate anything I have to say in here not being shared with outsiders. I know I can trust my friends and, frankly, as I've just explained, I don't need validation from strangers to make me feel special. If I do get wind of anything private being shared, I'll unfriend you, too. This will be my last public post.

That's all.

( ooc )

I'm a pretty easy going guy, for the most part. Well, except for this jealousy stuff, but I'm actually learning to deal with that! I don't want to turn into some psycho who refuses to let my sweetie have fun just because I'm insecure, you know? I had enough of that with Kevin. So better to nip it on the bud now before it gets embarrassing and one day I come across like a raving lunatic.

But all of this new madness aside, I am easy going. I get mad when people attack the people I love, but I think that's just a human reaction. When I'm attacked, though, I generally curl up into a ball and apologize until it's over and the other person is satisfied. It's a pretty good defense and one I've had since I can remember. But when someone I consider to be a friend hurts me, I don't really have a defense for that. I'm a sap because I still want to try and make things right with them even if they shut me out. And even when they stop talking to me, I live in the vain hope that they'll get over whatever it is they're upset about and one day be my friend again. No matter how angry and hurt Pete and I might get with one another, I'll still do anything for him. I really need to learn how to cut my losses, though. Especially since I know that if they were ever in trouble, I'd help them in any way I could, but I couldn't really say the same for them. I know that the word "friend" doesn't have the same meaning for some that it does for me. I really am a sucker sometimes. Mom says I'm kind, I just think I'm a patsy who takes people at face value and who tends to trust people far too quickly. Sometimes easy going can lead to someone being a doormat.

Okay, I need to stop this. Thinking about the divorce has stirred up a lot of crap in my head and it's making me relive some really shitty moments in my life. It's over and done. The people I thought were my friends picked a side and it wasn't mine. I have to move on and stop thinking I can ever be close to them again. Divorce sucks. Ex wives suck. Lawyers suck. Ex wives who marry lawyers suck. Friends who pick the ex over me suck. There. I think that may have helped. (Orli, is there some kind of mediation thing I can do to forgive all the crap?)

On a lighter note, I woke Orli up this morning by giving him a zerbert on his tummy. I couldn't resist.

[ooc: Posted early for obvious reasons, takes place the day after this.]

I would like to wish all my friends a Merry Christmas, happy holidays, joy to the world, peace on earth and goodwill to all men, women, children, aliens and fairies. I hope that gifts made it to you guys in time for the day, and if not, they're on their way!!

Now, I have a very special announcement to make. Please don't kill me for not saying anything about this before, but I wanted to keep the people who knew to a really tiny number for fear of jinxing it.

Last night, I asked Orlando to marry me, and he said yes!!!!!

I don't think I've stopped smiling since he accepted, and I can't imagine anything making me happier except our actual wedding day. I'm kind of freaking out because I can't believe this is actually happening. I mean, what if I'm just dreaming and really have a life working as an insurance salesman in Lincoln? This wonderful life with fabulous friends and loved ones can't really be mine, can it? I can't be in love with the most amazing man and ready to spend my life with him, can I?

I'm so blessed, I can't begin to wrap my head around it. And as we all embark on a new year, I just wanted you guys to know that I couldn't be happier that we're all heading there together.

I'm engaged. To someone I love and adore beyond belief. I could get used to this feeling.

I feel like I'm about to write a report for the third grade, but before the day gets too hectic, I wanted to sit down and think about everything for which I am grateful. I think I'm like most people in that I don't really "celebrate" the first Thanksgiving (there's just way too much baggage attached to the history of it), but, rather, I take this day to reflect on the blessings in my life. I really am thankful for everything every single day that I wake up, but I don't think I express it enough. So, here I am, being official.

First and foremost, I am thankful and grateful for the man I love. Ever since Orlando entered my life, I've felt incredibly blessed and happier than I ever thought possible. He's made me discover a part of myself that I never thought existed. In past relationships, I've recognized the selfishness inside me that never really allowed me to put anyone else completely ahead of myself. In fact, I'm still that way to a certain extent with my friends. But Orlando is the first person I can honestly say I would do absolutely anything for without hesitation. Because of him I finally understand what it really means to love someone selflessly and to be loved in return. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I hope that this is the first of many, many Thanksgivings that we will spend together.

I'm thankful that my mom is healthy and still as vibrant as I ever remember her being. She's so happy, so supportive and such a source of strength for me when I need her. The two of us have been through a lot together and I don't know what I'd do without her in my corner. If I had become a father, I would have wanted to be the kind of parent to my child that Mom is to me. She's very special and I don't feel I let her know nearly enough. I'm also grateful that she adores Orli (she tells her friends that he's an ideal son-in-law) and is so accepting of my life. I know how very, very lucky I am that she doesn't share the views my father had of me. Speaking of, I'm still thankful the bastard's dead. I bet the turkey in Hell is really dry.

I'm grateful for Peter. He's been my best friend for 22 years - though we were estranged for over a decade when I married Talia. But the day I went to him after all that time, he took me back as if no time had passed. He helped me to come out, he was there for me when I was at my lowest point, and I can never forget that. I know that he thinks I don't have room for him in my life, anymore, but that's only his perception because, for the first time ever, there is another man who's first in my heart. I will always need Pete in my life and I hope he can realize that one day.

I am very thankful for all of my friends. I do have to single out Logan for his unwavering support during my confrontation with Kevin because that was literally a life or death situation. If not for him and Orli, I would be dead and unable to be babbling right now, so... Yeah. Wes, Snake, Iris, Mac, Ray, Ynez... I really want to list out absolutely everyone, but I'll accidentally leave off someone's name and feelings would get hurt, so I'll just say that you know if you're my friend. And if you are my friend, I would like to get mushy for a second and say thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you for the humor, the conversation, the support and the understanding. I love you guys.

I'm thankful for my health, my wealth and the life I have. I'm grateful for all of the opportunities I have, the ones I'll make, and the fact that I can look around every day and appreciate what I do have instead of lamenting what I don't.

Oh, and I'm still really grateful that I don't have to pay alimony anymore.

Happy Thanksgiving to those of you who celebrate. For those of you who don't, Happy Thursday. Much love.