Feels Like Starting Over

A few days after the wedding...

[locked]

Oh my god. I'm a cheater. No, I'm a serial cheater. I'm a big fat hairy serial cheater who goes around preying on defenseless widowers. I really need to be shot or forced to watch "Jerry Springer" until my eyes bleed and I learn my lesson.

I had a dream last night that Mrs. Cordelia Chase Bloom was running after me wielding a Manolo Blahnik with the intention of bludgeoning me with it. Either that or she wanted to cram the stylish thing where stylish things shouldn't really be crammed. Why the wrath? Because I took advantage of her sexy hot gay beloved husband and father of her baby. Oh, that's something else that was really freaky. She had a baby carrier on her back, and there was this maniacal infant strapped into it. It had Orlando's head - not his face, his entire head - and was peering at me over Mrs. Bloom's shoulder, making evil baby faces at me as if shrieking, "You screwed around with my daddy!" Then, in my attempt to evade the angry wife, I ran right into Kevin. I was so relieved to see him until he pulled out a canon and asked me if I felt lucky. I woke up before he could kill me.

Okay, fine. Reading that back, it sounds ridiculous, but at the time, it was really scary and disturbing. Now, in the harsh light of day, it's still disturbing, if not scary. I know my father cheated on my mom and how much that hurt her. I cheated on Talia, and now I'm cheating on Kevin. Even if no one thinks kissing and heavy petting is cheating, it sure feels that way. To make it worse, I'm doing it with a man who recently lost his wife and baby.

I wish I didn't like him so much. That's what's caused this whole mess. I honestly like him, I'm completely charmed by him, and my treacherous, adulterous self just decided to go in for the kill when the man's at the lowest point in his life. How could I do that to a friend?

And, god, and how could I do that to Kevin? The first time (or 25th, who's counting?) he's a jerk to me and I run off to make out with some unsuspecting mourner? I love him and I know he loves me. He's just been disappointed in the way things have been lately and getting upset with me in the process. He's feeing a lot of pressure from work and I need to understand that he won't always feel like being a nice guy. It's not his fault.

Jeez, I don't know how I'd be feeling if Orlando and I actually had sex. I'm a whore. Wait, they get paid. I'm a slut. A cheater who wouldn't know what monogamy was if it bitch slapped me and called me by my full name. I took advantage of someone AND I cheated on my boyfriend in the process.

In polite circles, I think I'd be called a cad because it means something horrible but doesn't sound vulgar. But I'm really just an asshole.

Will was asleep on the couch, Wendell curled up next to him, when Kevin got home. Kevin smiled at the sight, and stood over them both for a few moments before bending down to kiss Will's cheek.

Immediately stirring, Will blinked and rubbed at his eyes. "Kev!" he said, quickly sitting up and making Wendell grunt unhappily when he was displaced. "Are you okay?"

Kevin nodded and kissed Will again, on the mouth this time. "Are you?"

Will put his arms around his lover and hugged him. He had tasted liquor on Kevin's lips, and he could tell he was a little unsteady on his feet, but he didn't care. "I am, now. I was really worried when you left like that. I asked Iris--"

"Yeah, we spoke. She's why I'm back." Kevin sat on the edge of the couch. "I want to apologize for what I said to you and for walking out. I love you, Will. I shouldn't hurt you."

"It's okay," Will said, smiling at him. "I know you're under a lot of pressure at work, and I was thinking about it. I need to get out of here sometimes so you can have a little downtime."

"Well, don't get any ideas about leaving me too much," Kevin grinned, stroking Will's cheek with his hand. "I don't want to start missing you."

Will beamed at that and leaned into the touch. "Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder, though."

"We can test that out some other time," Kevin chuckled. "And I promise that one day I'll take you to Scotland, okay? When we're both ready to go."

Sitting up a little more, Will frowned. "Kev, I'm still going."

A raised eyebrow, and Kevin straightened up. "You're going."

Will nodded. "I booked the ticket."

"Just like that," Kevin said, raising his voice a little. "You're wasting your money on a trip to see some guy you barely know get married."

"Kevin..."

"Don't, Will," Kevin said, standing up. "It's nice to know you don't give a shit about what I want you to do."

Unable to believe what he just heard, Will stood up, too. "Are you telling me I need your permission to do things?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"For something like this?" Kevin sneered. "You'd better believe it."

"But I can't believe--"

"In case you've forgotten, William, I'm the one supporting the both of us!" Kevin shouted at him. "You've been holding onto your savings so you have a safety net, or so you said. I guess you just couldn't wait to spend it on some bullshit."

"You told me you didn't mind--"

"Cut it out, Will. Just fucking stop it."

Will swallowed hard. "I... What am I doing?" he asked softly.

"Playing the sweet innocent role when you know damn well that you're wrong. You know you shouldn't have bought that fucking ticket without talking to me about it first."

"But I tried to talk to you," Will said, reaching out to touch Kevin's arm, pulling back when Kevin yanked his arm away from him.

Kevin glared at him and shook his head. "If you go, don't expect to be able to come back here."

"What?" Will asked, his voice breaking. "Kevin, it's just one little trip. Why are you doing this?"

"Maybe it's the only way you'll learn who's in charge."

A chill went down Will's spine at the way Kevin said it. He sounded so much like Will's father, and he may as well have slapped him. In fact, Will found himself wondering if that wouldn't have been better in some strange way. He felt so betrayed by the idea that Kevin like felt that; could be like that.

"I don't know why you're doing this, Kevin, but I need to be away from you, right now," Will said.

"Oh, where are you gonna go?" Kevin smirked.

"The last time I looked, Seattle still had hotels. I can stay in one until I'm ready to fly out."

Will headed for the coat closet to get a carry on bag, then went to pack some of his things. If he didn't allow himself to think about anything but folding and packing, he wouldn't start crying. There was no way in hell he was going to give Kevin the satisfaction of seeing that. He wasn't sure why or when his lover had started to resent him, but it was obvious that things had changed between them and Will hadn't had a clue.

"Will, don't go," Kevin said, walking up behind him. "I'm sorry. Don't go to a hotel. I've had too much to drink, I'm being an asshole... You should go on your trip. Just... Stay here 'til then. Please?"

That did it. Lowering his head, Will started crying. He couldn't stand the fact that Kevin really did sound sorry. When he felt his lover's arms go around him, it felt as if his heart was breaking, and he turned in the embrace so he could hug him back.

"I love you," Will whispered. "I won't go... On the trip, I mean."

"No," Kevin said, stroking Will's hair. "You've got the ticket, you might as well go. I know how long you've wanted to see Scotland and I shouldn't stand in your way." He sighed and kissed Will's tearstained cheek. "I don't know what my problem is. Maybe I'm afraid of losing you."

Will wanted to ask why Kevin didn't want him around so much if that was the case, but he let it go. There was no telling if it would set Kevin off again.

"You won't lose me," Will sniffed, but he was wondering if he could keep living like this.

Will punched in his best friend's number and stretched out on the couch with a sigh. Since getting involved with Kevin, he'd been lax about calling his mother and Peter on a regular basis. Tonight, though, he really needed to talk to someone who'd known him forever.

"Hey, Will."

"Hey," Will said, smiling at the sound of his friend's voice. "What's going on?"

"What's wrong?"

"Why do you think something's wrong?"

"It's late, I haven't heard from you for a while and I worry about you," Peter said with a chuckle. "I'm playing the odds."

Will laughed. He couldn't argue with that. "Well, my friend, your uncanny ability to know when I need you has served you well."

Peter's voice immediately lost its humor. "What happened, Will? Is it Kevin?"

One of Will's fears was Kevin getting shot in the line of duty; a fear he'd shared with Peter.

"It's nothing major. He's all right," Will reassured his friend. "We had a fight, that's all."

"Uh oh, the honeymoon's over already?" Peter asked.

"No," Will said, frowning. "And don't sound so happy."

"Aw, Will, I'm just teasing you," Pete said softly. "What happened?"

Sighing, Will switched the phone to the other ear and rolled onto his side. "I told him I wanted to go to a friend's wedding and he said no. When I pushed the issue, he got mad, basically called me a wimp and a burden and walked out. He's still gone."

"That doesn't sound like the great guy you want me to meet," Peter said, concerned. "Why doesn't he want to go to the wedding?"

"It's in Scotland--"

"Scotland?" Peter interrupted, then laughed. "Um, Will, you do know that's in another country, right?"

"Haha," Will said, practically pouting. "It's also the place I want to get a cottage--"

"And live with me and a bunch of dogs while you write novels," Peter finished. "I know, sweetheart. So Kevin balked at going that far for a wedding, right?"

"Yeah, which I could understand, so I told him I could go alone. I would just use my own money I have saved and go."

"And he still objected?"

"Yeah. He told me to grow a pair and get a job," Will sighed. "He's never spoken that way to me before, Pete. He said he's tired of me being around all the time. And maybe he's right. I'm always here and I've gotten so comfortable, I can't blame him for resenting me."

"Hey, stop that," Peter said quickly. "Don't take all the blame for this. Has he ever said anything to you before?"

"No," Will said, "but--"

"Then it just sounds as if you two aren't communicating." Peter sighed, and Will could hear the sound of ice clinking in a glass. "Do you love him, Will?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to break up with him?"

"No."

"Okay, then. You two need to talk. When Kevin gets back, talk to him, ask him what's going on, and don't get defensive. From what you've told me about this guy, he loves you, too, so he'll be honest with you."

"Okay," Will said. "I'll do that. But, um..."

"Will, what did you do?" Peter asked, almost scolding.

"I booked a flight to Scotland. I'm going to the wedding without him."

Peter laughed, making Will smile. "All right, well, that might not be such a bad thing. You can take this opportunity to show him that you're still independent, plus, if he really wants to have some time to himself, this'll give him that."

"But what if he's mad that I'm going after he told me not to?"

"Baby, he's not your father. He can't tell you what to do and where to go. If he tries that, maybe you need to take time on the trip to reconsider your relationship with him."

Will knew Peter was right, but he didn't really want to hear that. Reconsidering anything with Kevin would mean having to question his judgment and choices, and he could admit that he had no interest in doing that at this point.

"Don't you want to know who's getting married?"

When Will changed the subject, Peter knew to drop the issue with Kevin.

"Sure, why don't you tell me all about it?"

"It's my friend Wes - I told you about him."

"The sexy pilot?"

"Yes," Will giggled. He hadn't mentioned the fact that Wes was from another planet, finding it hard enough to explain the vast array of people he'd met since entering this community. "He and his boyfriend, Aidan, are having a commitment ceremony. At a real castle."

"As opposed to all those fake castles out there," Peter snickered.

"Shut up," Will said, grinning. "Anyway, I haven't met the other groom, but I'm really excited to do that. It'll be so cool to see a commitment ceremony, and I just know it's going to be incredibly romantic. Plus, I'm hoping to meet a bunch of people over there. I'll get to meet Orlando in person, too."

"Who's Orlando?"

Will rolled his eyes. "I told you about meeting him online a while back when I first got here. We've been talking a lot recently and he helped me out with some hotel arrangements."

Peter cracked up laughing. "Oh, right... The guy you think is Orlando Bloom."

"It is him," Will frowned.

"Uh huh. Did I tell you that I was just talking to Tom Cruise the other day? He asked me to be Suri's godfather."

"Screw you," Will said, laughing despite himself. "It's him, and he's just a really sweet man who's going through a hard time right now."

"Oh, right, that accident. I read about that." Peter paused. "Is it really him?" he asked, still sounding a little skeptical.

"I believe it is, yes, but don't make a big deal, Peter."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"You know I love him."

"I know."

"And I'm incredibly jealous."

"I know."

"Can I go with you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You'll embarrass me. I'm going there for my friend's wedding, not so you can act like a teenaged girl because of the best man."

"Are there going to be kilts involved?"

"Yes."

Peter groaned. "Oh, come on, Will, let me go with you."

"No."

"Then can you get me a picture?"

"No."

"Autograph?"

"NO!"

"Why?"

"Peter, I love you, but you're really missing the entire point. I'm going to Scotland to do a little poking around about my family, see a friend marry his boyfriend, and meet some people in person. That's it. Now, drop it."

There was a long pause, then Peter said, "I'll give you fifty bucks if you call me from there and have him say hello."

"Okay, I'm hanging up now," Will said, stifling a giggle.

"All right, I give up," Peter laughed. "But before you go, are you feeling better?"

"Yeah, I am. Thank you."

"Don't thank me. That's what I'm here for."

"You're too good to me."

"I know," Peter said softly.

"Okay, I'm going. Kevin could be home soon."

"Remember to talk to him, okay?"

Will nodded and sat up. "I will."

"And I'm really excited that you're getting to go to Scotland. I know how much you've wanted to do that."

"Thanks, sweetie. I really think I'll have a good time."

"I know you will. Love you."

"Love you, too."

The call ended and Will set the phone down on the coffee table. Now, all he had to do was wait for Kevin to come home.