Feels Like Starting Over

I'm disappointed that things didn't work out with me and Peter. Before I say anything else, let me qualify that by saying that I couldn't be happier with my life, now. But every now and then I think about Pete and feel a little wistful.

I suppose the main reason I'm disappointed that I'm not going to be Mr. Peter Cavanaugh, one day, is because it felt as if we were destined to be together. Look at our relationship. It's got all the elements of a happy ever after.

We met when we were 11 years old and were both sent to the principal's office. An instant friendship was formed and we became inseparable. Over the years, the friendship grew even stronger. We supported each other through everything. He became the most important figure in my life besides my mother and was the only one who knew how to make me feel better about anything. We loved each other in that way that close friends do.

Peter made no secret of the fact that he's gay. In high school, he didn't date anyone, and while he never came right out and said that he was interested in guys, somehow I just knew. There were a couple of drunken incidents between us, things I denied for my own reasons, but he never let that affect our friendship. Rather, he never let my rejection of them, or him, really, affect things between us.

The drama came during college. When Peter found out I was getting married, he confronted me about denying my own sexuality and tried to convince me not to go through with the wedding. He kissed me, and it was my reaction to it that made me realize I needed to shut him out of my life. I couldn't be with him. I had to marry the woman carrying my baby and prove to my father that I wasn't what he thought I was, end of story. I kept track of Pete through my mom because she wasn't willing to cut him out of her life just because I was angry with him. But, really, I was never angry with him.

When I received word that Peter's lover of seven years had been killed, I couldn't ignore that. The news had shocked me into action, reminding me that life was too short to hold onto grudges that shouldn't have existed in the first place. That's why I went to the funeral to see him.

We talked. A lot. We caught up on each other's lives and cleared the air about what had happened. He met Talia, he came over to spend time with us, we took the dogs for their run together. Just when it looked as if I had my best friend back, he told me that he could see how unhappy I was and he couldn't stand it. And when he kissed me, I didn't push him away.

Our affair was one of the most incredible, exciting, satisfying things I've ever experienced. I'm the one who insisted on keeping it a secret instead of being honest with Talia. It was unfair to both her and Peter, but I couldn't bear the thought of a divorce. He didn't fight me on it. I think he was still dealing with the grief over losing Kory, so we were both getting what we needed and wanted from the relationship.

Then Talia caught us. The shame and guilt I felt would have been unbearable if not for Peter. Same thing for the divorce. He stood by my side, unwavering, loving me throughout all of it and when we were finally free to be together... It didn't happen.

The both of us tried, we really did. But I told him that I didn't want to lose him as my friend if we ever broke up. He told me that we'd never break up so it was a moot point, but I didn't have his faith in my ability to settle down with him. We ended things and agreed to be the best of friends. In fact, we'd made a promise to one another that we'd always be first in each other's lives no matter what other relationships we had. That included a physical relationship. I abided by that, too, until Orlando.

But after all those years and all that drama, when everything should have had a happy ending and Peter and I should have ended up living happily ever after, I ended things for fear of getting my heart broken. It seems kind of silly now.

[locked]

I've started seeing the guy Dr. Irving recommended. I've been feeling so much better about everything, lately, but I'm doing this as a way to make sure I'm really ready to be married again. Does that sound weird? I'd think that proposing to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with would be the first clue that I am ready. But I'm scared because I don't want to screw this up. I haven't said anything to Orlando yet because I want to see how things go. Once I'm certain it'll help, I'll tell him.

Anyway, his name's David Blackney, he specializes in marriage and family therapy like Janice, and he reminds me of Mr. Rogers. He's very soft spoken, grandfatherly and wears a sweater. I actually got the Mr. Rogers theme song stuck in my head after our first session. Oy.

So far we've just been talking about my first marriage. It's a little strange to remember so many of the issues I had with Talia, and it's such a relief to go home to Orlando after it's all over. I don't feel overly emotional when I think about it, but I don't like dwelling on what's probably the biggest mistake of my life. He said he wants to talk about my other relationships, too, and what makes this one different enough for me to make this kind of commitment. Gee, talking about Kevin's going to be fun. There was actually a time when I considered marrying him - or thought about considering it, anyway - and knowing that scares the shit out of me. I was so caught up in him, and while it wasn't nearly as intense as what I feel for Orli, it was serious. And I couldn't have been more wrong about who he was. I know David's going to make me talk about the break up and the rape attack. I just hope it's quick. If he wants to start talking about Dad and the abuse, I'll just refer him to Janice. I'm not interested in going down that road with anyone but Orli, and that's only if he ever asks me about it.

I have to call Sandy this week. I'd like to arrange for her to meet me in L.A. when I'm ready to fly back to New York so we can take the same flight back. It'll be good to see her and I can explain in person that her being hired will be contingent on Orli meeting her and feeling that he can trust her to do the job. She's a smart woman so I'm sure she won't be expecting anything less

Janice called back. It's up to him to call her after the new year. She was happy to hear from me and asked how I was doing. I froze. Conditioning! But I said fine and asked for a referral for myself.

I have a sinus thing but it's not a cold. No fever. Just sniffles and congestion. Nonetheless, Mom's drowning me in chicken soup. And hot toddies. I keep passing out. Now, I just pour them down the drain before I get alcohol poisoning.

Peter broke up with the boytoy because he was too immature. Pot. Kettle. Black. Kidding. It sounds like they wanted different things from life. The boytoy wanted to go out every night, get drunk, do drugs, be an all around hot little party monster. And Peter's 34. Heh. I should remember that for the next time I talk to him.

Talia called to tell me lawyer man broke the lamp I gave her for a wedding gift and asked for the name of the store where I bought it. Bastard probably did it on purpose because he hates Tiffany lamps. She heard about Lesbian Knock Up 2007 and congratulated me on my impending fatherhood. Then she went into a long, sad discussion about the baby we lost and how he or she would have turned thirteen this year, she and I would probably still be happily married and I wouldn't have felt the need to "become involved in that gay nonsense" since I would have had fatherly responsibilities. I honestly didn't know where to start telling her what was wrong with pretty much everything that she said beginning with the lesbians. She did get the age of the kid right, though. God, me with a teenager? Jesus wept.

Ann and Helene came by. They've decided that Ann will carry the bambino. Good choice. She's prettier, more intelligent, athletic, great sense of humor, no visible deformities and I would actually have sex with her if they wanted to do it that way. Okay, that last part's a lie, but the rest is true. I love Helene, and it's not as if she could pass for the Creature from the Black Lagoon or anything. Ann's just got more of everything. It's kind of like me and Orli. On my own, I'm not bad. But Orli's got more of everything. Anyway, Operation Babymaker looks like it's really going to happen this time. And I've decided not to have anything to do with the offspring other than them sending me pictures so I have proof it didn't turn out looking like an ape. It's not going to be my child and if they want to have a father figure in its life, they can sure as hell do better than me. And if anything happens to this one, too, I don't want to be able to care so much. Mom's ready to play Grandma, though, and scolded me quite handily when I reminded her that it wouldn't really be her grandchild after the papers are all signed. She said, and I quote, "William, I would be a grandmother to that baby if Mickey Mouse was the father. These girls are my friends and have asked me to be involved, and I will be for as long as they need me." Then I made a comment about the set of ears that kid would have if Mickey was the dad, not to mention being born with big, puffy, white glove-clad hands. She kicked me out of the kitchen and finished her tea with the ladies. Ann and Helene were laughing, though. See? Lesbians aren't all granola-crunching, Birkenstock-wearing, "global-warming-is-real"-gabbing, "I-lost-my-sense-of-humor-the-first-time-a -girl-went-down-on-me"-doing, man-hating, feminazis. In fact, I would be willing to bet that most of them are like Ann and Helene. And, as with any group, the extremists get all the press.

Evie called just to say hi. She's so sweet. I mean, even if she wasn't my sister (allegedly - DNA test next month), I would really like her. Get this: she says stuff the way I do. I know it's the other way around and is due to Dad, but every now and then she sounds like me. Is that freaky or what? And kind of cool. From the sounds of things, her brother - our brother - is just like Dad. Poor bastard. But she told me all about her latest casting project and how much trouble they're having finding someone to play the lead. I told her I'd do it as a favor but she had to promise not to want to cast me in everything after that because I just wouldn't have the time and would hate to feel obligated. Then I told her about my engagement, she screamed and congratulated me. I love this girl already.

Wendell and Blade are in love. Er, I mean, they're just "really good friends" who never leave each other's side, snuggle at night and do the same cute little doggie moves that make Mom want to deck them out in horrendous doggie sweaters. Poor babies. If I see them donning spandex and going for bike rides, I'm going to nickname them "Gyllenstrong."

The new year is almost here and the possibilities are endless. Please, God, don't let Orli break up with me.

This is mainly going to be me listing out random things and commenting on them. Feel free to skip over it all because, like most of my ramblings, it's not really all that interesting. I just have to get it all out of my head so I can get some sleep.

1. Okay, I want to make this clear: Orlando and I are not living together. I'm living at home in Hartford. Orli's living in his home in New York. We basically commute to see one another, and I think the longest I've ever stayed over is a long weekend. I spend a lot of my time trying to keep myself busy during the week because I miss him a lot, but there is no cohabitation going on. He's still technically married. No, I don't see it as hypocritical that we're in love and having sex. Making the decision to live together is a completely different thing.

2. Orli told me the divorce will probably be final before Christmas. I'm sorry for the way things had to happen. I know how hard divorce is on both parties. The thing that breaks my heart the most is knowing he's lost his friend. Still, I believe in miracles. Talia no longer wants to stab my eyes out when she sees me, and what I did to her was a hell of a lot worse than what happened with Orli. Maybe after Cordy spends a ton more money, she'll come around. Is that bitchy of me to say? Ah, I'll let it stand. I'm tired.

3. Mom's birthday is tomorrow. I'm going to surprise her by making breakfast for her, then I'll be taking her out for a day in the city. The highlight of the day will be taking her to see The Nutcracker. She seems to think that the car was going to take care of her birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day presents for the rest of her life. Um, no.

4. Ann and Helene have worked out their problems and are finally ready to get pregnant. They asked me, again, to consider being the donor. I just don't know... Things are so much more complicated now than they were the first time they asked me.

5. I got a letter from a woman today who claims to be my sister. I didn't show it to Mom because she doesn't really like to talk too much about Dad's other family. Well, she doesn't really know that much about it. Or so she says. Anyway, I'm taking it with a grain of salt. I've also gotten marriage proposals (from men and women), naked pictures, recipes(!), nice letters, and a few religious tracts.

6. Peter's seeing someone. It's really, really, really weird. I'm happy for him, but I can't believe he's actually seeing someone who's not me. That's a lot more egotistical than I mean for it to sound. After Kory died, I was the only one Peter wanted to be with and he swore that he couldn't ever be happy with anyone else. I told him that wasn't true but he was so sure that he could never meet anyone he'd want. And now he has. I think it's great! But weird. I just hope it helps him ease up on me.

7. I got a postcard from Talia! She and lawyer man are honeymooning in Jamaica. It looks gorgeous and she sounds really happy. I'm glad she got the chance to have a real honeymoon with a real husband. I know he'll treat her well.

8. Jesus, I'm freezing. I really don't want to put on the flannel pajamas but I might have to. If my sweetie was here we could do that naked body heat thing.

9. Someone please explain why Paris Hilton is famous. And why Britney Spears thinks it's a good idea to be her new BFF.

10. Cocoa makes me happy.

Okay, I'm rested and NOT hungover (surprisingly), though I can't speak for Orlando because he's still asleep. We decided to book a room in the hotel where Talia had the reception and took full advantage of the jacuzzi tub, so it was a late night.

The wedding ceremony was perfect. Talia looked radiant in her ivory slip dress, lawyer man looked handsome in his dark grey suit and the bridesmaids weren't trapped in hideous concoctions dreamt up to make the bride look better. Everything was tasteful and gorgeous, love and romance filled the air and it all made me want to get married again. (No, I don't know when I turned into a woman, so don't ask.)

The reception felt a lot more comfortable than I thought it would. We were assigned to tables for a sit down dinner, and Talia had actually put Orlando and me together with some of my old friends (and her defenders during the divorce). It was so awkward to see them, at first, and I really expected the worst. But they were extremely gracious, were wonderful to Orlando (not that they had much choice since he was absolutely gorgeous and charming, as always), and apologized to me for the way things had happened last year. They explained that they were shocked and hurt for Talia, but seeing her now made them realize that what had happened was the best for everyone.

When Talia and lawyer man were making the rounds and arrived at our table, things couldn't have been more amiable. It was the first chance I'd had to introduce Orlando to them both, and it felt strange but very liberating to finally get to do that. Later, Talia pulled me aside to tell me that she couldn't remember seeing me this happy and that she really liked Orli. After that, Orli and I spent the rest of the evening dancing (with each other and some of the other guests - there was a few young girls there, maybe 14 or 15, who kept mooning over Orli. He treated them each to a dance and they were so happy. It was adorable. I love him so much) and enjoying the party.

All in all, it was a beautiful evening, and the best part was getting to share it with my sweetheart.

Talia's wedding is next Saturday. I've got my suit ready, I've got the lamp for their gift, and I went ahead and bought a silver punch bowl set that was on their gift registry since the lamp is mainly for Talia. I guess the bowl will be mainly for her, too, but the wedding gifts we got were all pretty much for her, anyway. Man, guys really get ripped off on their wedding days, don't they?

I can't believe she's getting married! My glee has shifted from being about the financial break I'll get to being about feeling genuine happiness for her. She's so much sweeter now that she's not wishing for my painful death and destruction. I was talking to her today about seeing some of the friends I lost in the divorce. I understood them siding with Talia, but they were very vocal in their dislike of me after I left her - actively vocal as in calling me at Peter's and barraging me with insults and curses for hurting their friend. (I think that's why I'm so touchy about the way Orli's treated during this whole thing with Cordelia. Being the guilty party shouldn't automatically make you the target of outsiders. What I did to Talia was probably more intimate than anything that had happened before in our marriage. It was the first time she'd ever thought she couldn't trust me. It was our business to scream at each other and no one else had a right to chastise me. I never made any vows to them. Opinions are like assholes, I know, everyone has one. But, for something this personal, they should also be kept under wraps unless you're with someone with whom it's appropriate to share them. *g*) Anyway, I have a feeling I'll be holding onto Orli's hand for dear life if they approach me to talk. The first dirty look they cast my way, though, my tongue's going in Orlando's mouth so I don't say anything to start a fight.

Mom's birthday is on the 29th. She's going to be 56! Oops, she might kill me for revealing her age, so it's a good thing she doesn't have the first clue about my journal. Anyway, I'm torn between taking her out for an expensive dinner with me, Orli and Pete (and whatever pretty boy he decides to bring along. I think he's dating, but he won't tell me one way or the other) or throwing a party so her friends can come. I'm not sure if I could handle being around all those older ladies pinching my cheeks and sending me hurtling back to age five. I'll talk to the lesbians. Maybe they can help me organize an all girls birthday party for Mom and I can still take her out to dinner. I guess we could invite Mom's male friend (she stopped seeing that guy in Seattle). I have not met this guy, but if he kisses my mom in front of me, I'll punch him. I had thought about doing something during Thanksgiving, but I hate doing the combo holiday/birthday thing just because the dates are close. Pete's birthday is coming up on December 12. I get to tease him about being older than me for three months!!!! I love that. I asked him what he wants for his birthday but since I won't "make love on the white sands of a Jamaican beach" with him, I'm going to enroll him in the fruit of the month club. I know it sounds cheesy, but he's a healthy guy, he likes that kind of thing and every month he'll think of me when he gets a bunch of fruit delivered to his door. Plus, I'm really uncomfortable with giving him anything close to what I've given him in the past. Way too intimate.

Oh, and for my awesome news...

I've got a job. A magazine liked my writing sample and they're interested in the idea of Orli and me doing a series of articles for them. I didn't mention Orli by name because I wanted to be hired on my own merits, but they like the whole "gay couple travels the world and reports back" thing. They're just starting out, they're small, and we'll basically be doing this freelance, getting paid by the article. But it's not the money that ever concerned me. It's doing something. And now I get to do it with my partner. How cool is that???

Talia is the one who told the rags who I am. I just wanted to get that out of the way. She's being nice to me because she feels guilty. And I'm going to take full advantage of that. She gave them my mother's address, for god's sake. I'm not going to feel bad at all for letting her kiss my ass for a while.

Anyway.

Lunch was civil. She was looking really good, she said I was, too. There were a few moments that made me feel like we were back at school, but they were pretty fleeting. It was strange making small talk with her as if everything was normal between us. She asked about Mom and Peter and said she was looking forward to meeting Orli at the wedding. Then she dropped the bomb about the rags. After I calmed down (thank you, Glenlivet), I told her that if the roles had been reversed, I might have done the same thing. She didn't seem to think I would have. Then there was one of those awkward, "Did we just make up?" moments when neither of us knew what else to say or do.

Oh, she won't sell me the house. No, not won't. She can't. It's already been sold. She wasn't required to tell me since she got the house in the divorce and can do anything she wants with it. I just wish I'd gotten the chance to put in a bid. It's probably just as well, now that I think about it. There'd be too many memories of our life together, and the awful way things ended between us. The Master bedroom's where Talia caught me and Peter together and I wanted to disappear off the face of the earth when I saw the look on her face. Okay, so maybe it was a bad idea to want the house. I'll look for something else. Maybe a condo nearby. Pete offered to let me move in with him, but that would be way too weird knowing how he feels, and I really just want something private and quiet. I want Orli to feel like he can leave some of his things here when he comes up and not have to worry about other people being around.

As for Talia, there's a tentative peace between us. I'll take it.

I've decided what I'm going to buy them for a wedding present. When Talia and I were married, she always wanted a Tiffany lamp. I asked her if lawyer man ever got her one and she said he found them gaudy but she still loves them. It spoiled the surprise, but I told her I'd get her one. That earned me a kiss on the cheek.

It's been a strange day.

Okay, I need to post this and go. I'm heading to New York in my beautiful new car to see my beautiful boo.

Talia's getting married the same day as Tomkat. November 18th. I don't know why I find that so funny.

I still have to buy her a present.

And, hold onto your hats, but she wants to have lunch with me on Monday. When I called to RSVP for Orlando and myself, she was very friendly and said that we needed to talk. Thus, lunch. Monday.

I was married to this woman for 12 years, but I'm scared shitless to meet her one on one. At least at the wedding I'll have Orli by my side and witnesses if she tries to drown me in the punch bowl. Wait, there wouldn't be a punch bowl. She'd try to drown me in the chocolate fountain. We don't do well when we meet for things. It usually ends in yelling and her telling me how disgusting I am. But, hey, people change.

Anyway, it should be interesting.

Oh god, I almost forgot the biggest thing:

Egg Girl belongs to the people down the street! I used to be friends with the family who lived there before they sold the house to Egg Girl's parents. Mom said they've never been that social and that she didn't even know they had a child. According to Mom's sources, the girl had been sent away to school so I have no clue what she was doing back here. The parents came by and apologized to me for what she did and thanked me for not having her arrested. It was really weird. Nice, but... Odd. And Becky did not participate in the apology. I was kind of hoping I'd get to toss a rotten tomato at her or something. Anyway, that's her name. Rebecca Beckham. I wanted to get the proper spelling for the restraining order when she decides she wants to stalk Orli and squeal in his general direction.

This life, she is very strange, no?

TALIA'S GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!

Mom told me that an old friend of hers who knows the guy who dyes Talia's best friend's hair said he overheard her talking to Talia on the cellphone about Talia's upcoming nuptials! From what he could gather, the boyfriend had given Talia an ultimatum - marry him or lose him. I guess his little plan to keep screwing me by just living with her wasn't quite working out as he'd planned. Though, I wouldn't doubt if it was all Talia's little plan to keep making me pay and he just went along with it. I also don't doubt for a second that she loves the guy. He was her divorce attorney and they were fucking around during our divorce proceedings. She lived up to the woman scorned stereotype and, thanks to him, practically cleaned me out. Why wouldn't she love him? Plus, I know that he makes a hell of a good living with his practice, so she probably sees dollar signs whenever she looks into his eyes. Who said romance was dead?

Man...I can't believe it. It's like some wonderful dream... I would pinch myself, but just in case it's not real, I don't want to wake up. And it's not so much about the money.

( [LOCKED] )

It's the fact that she only wanted me to pay for cheating on her with Peter. Period. Her pride was hurt and she was going to get her pound of flesh one way or another. She got the house and practically all its contents, the cars, and even the boys. If she could have, she probably would have taken my job so I'd be completely destitute. All to punish me for what I did. Never mind that our marriage had practically been over for years. I let her screw me over - even though my divorce attorney wanted to throttle me - because I understood how deeply I'd hurt her. To this day, I totally understand why she hates me, and no matter how hopeful I am that one day we can sit down like civilized adults and talk, I'm not going to wait for her to stop cursing me every chance she gets. Still, it's not as if I tried to sue her for being a cold unfeeling bitch long before Peter even came back into my life.

Shit, I'm trying to be more forgiving and less judgmental. Deep breath, etc.

Good luck to her. May she live a long, happy, healthy life with her new husband. And, dear lord god, please don't let him turn out to be gay.

Before I write everything down, I want to thank those of you who offered to help me out with Lani and Jake, and who lent an ear at a time when I was feeling pretty damn frazzled. You guys are awesome, and I really am grateful that I've met so many good people here. And that's going out to all my friends here. Thanks.

Now, down to business...

See that man? *points at icon* He saved my boys.

The last thing Peter ever wants to do is talk to Talia. (I'm sure she feels the same way. How would any woman feel having to talk to the man they caught their husband sleeping with?) When I called him, yesterday, and told him what she was talking about doing, though, he agreed to talk to her. Something came up at work (what kinds of emergencies do PR people have, anyway?), so he called Talia at home and asked her what was going on. She said she wasn't going to kill the "goddamn dogs" right away and hung up on him. (He didn't want to call me back until he'd sorted everything out, so that's why it took so long for me to hear anything from him. I told him that maybe he should have let me know what she'd said so I wouldn't have been awake all night worrying, but he made a very good point that I would have wanted more answers that very second that he wouldn't have been able to provide. Damn him for knowing me so well. Love him.)

He was finally able to go by and see her after she got off work. She was home alone - the asshole boyfriend was still at work (did I mention that he's her divorce attorney? The same man who told her they should live together but not get married so that I can keep paying alimony?) - and Peter said that when she answered the door and saw him standing there, she looked as if she was going to faint. Peter told her he was there to take Lani and Jake since she obviously didn't want them anymore.

Talia told him that the dogs were hers since that was the agreement we'd come to (which is bullshit. She put on such a show in front of the judge about wanting to keep her "babies," I didn't stand a chance.) Peter pointed out the fact that she was ready to kill them for her fuck buddy (his exact words), to which she said it was nice to see that Peter was still running around like my errand boy because I was too much of a wimp to take her on, myself. Not wanting to antagonize her any more, Peter let that go and asked her, one more time, to hand over the boys. She said no. She said they were her property and if I wanted to save them, I should fly out there to take them off her hands. Peter explained that was basically why he was there - to take them off her hands.

I would like to preface what I'm about to say with the following disclaimer:

I do not believe in using violence, or the threat of violence, to get what you want. Peter, however, does.

My best friend in the world threatened great bodily harm against Talia's live-in lover if anything happened to my dogs. He also threatened to report ethics violations to the state bar. (Personally, I think that was the bigger threat.) If I had more details, I'd share them. That's honestly all he told me. I don't know what he said, or why he's not worried about the authorities getting involved because he threatened someone, but whatever it was worked. She handed over Lani and Jake, along with every toy, leash and dish.

No matter what happens, I know that I can count on Peter. I know he loves me and I know that I'm always going to love him. I have to think of how I can thank him when I see him next month.

And I get to see my boys!

All right. Off to bed. I'm so tired after not sleeping last night. Kev stayed up with me, so he's ready to crash, too. He told me he can't wait to meet Peter in person. That makes me happy.

Okay. Tired. Bed. Goodnight.