Feels Like Starting Over

Because they were both leery of causing a scene, Will had agreed to meet Orli in the parking lot, and Sandy had agreed to just meet up with them at a later time. A quick call once his plane had landed, and Will knows exactly where he needs to go. He's practically running as he races from the plane, determined to get to Orlando as quickly as possible.

Once he finds the lot where Orli parked, he sees the SUV, and his heart starts pounding in anticipation of seeing his lover.

[locked]

I've started seeing the guy Dr. Irving recommended. I've been feeling so much better about everything, lately, but I'm doing this as a way to make sure I'm really ready to be married again. Does that sound weird? I'd think that proposing to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with would be the first clue that I am ready. But I'm scared because I don't want to screw this up. I haven't said anything to Orlando yet because I want to see how things go. Once I'm certain it'll help, I'll tell him.

Anyway, his name's David Blackney, he specializes in marriage and family therapy like Janice, and he reminds me of Mr. Rogers. He's very soft spoken, grandfatherly and wears a sweater. I actually got the Mr. Rogers theme song stuck in my head after our first session. Oy.

So far we've just been talking about my first marriage. It's a little strange to remember so many of the issues I had with Talia, and it's such a relief to go home to Orlando after it's all over. I don't feel overly emotional when I think about it, but I don't like dwelling on what's probably the biggest mistake of my life. He said he wants to talk about my other relationships, too, and what makes this one different enough for me to make this kind of commitment. Gee, talking about Kevin's going to be fun. There was actually a time when I considered marrying him - or thought about considering it, anyway - and knowing that scares the shit out of me. I was so caught up in him, and while it wasn't nearly as intense as what I feel for Orli, it was serious. And I couldn't have been more wrong about who he was. I know David's going to make me talk about the break up and the rape attack. I just hope it's quick. If he wants to start talking about Dad and the abuse, I'll just refer him to Janice. I'm not interested in going down that road with anyone but Orli, and that's only if he ever asks me about it.

I have to call Sandy this week. I'd like to arrange for her to meet me in L.A. when I'm ready to fly back to New York so we can take the same flight back. It'll be good to see her and I can explain in person that her being hired will be contingent on Orli meeting her and feeling that he can trust her to do the job. She's a smart woman so I'm sure she won't be expecting anything less

Mom was on a mission today. I saw her walking through the house with a big black garbage bag and when I asked her what she was doing, she said that she was ridding the house of evil. In case you were wondering, the evil was magazines, tabloids and newspapers. She refuses to let Peter bring over any more, and if they show up, she refuses to let me see them. She's been worried that I keep taking so many things to heart and wants me to be blissfully ignorant. I guess from this moment on I can act as if there's no such thing as nasty gossip and innuendo. I really can't argue with her point that it stresses me out. Plus, I know that assholes will always exist and whatever I feel about them doesn't really matter. All that matters to me is being with Orli, helping him through all of this and seeing what each new day has in store for us. That's all that should have ever mattered and I hate that I wasted so much energy worrying about anything else. It would have helped if I didn't have to defend us to my mom and my best friend. That's the thing that's been getting to me the most, to be honest. What I read only echoed what I know they were thinking. That's a big reason for why I want to move out and get my own place.

Speaking of which, I asked Mom what she'll do when I move out and don't have her to censor my reading material for me. She started asking me why I wanted to move out, etc. I basically told her that I need a place of my own now and I wouldn't be too far away. I couldn't come right out and say that I'd want total privacy when Orlando visits, but I'm pretty sure she got it. I haven't mentioned this to anyone, but I'm thinking of asking Talia if I can buy our old house from her. She and lawyer man are going to get their own house, and since I love the neighborhood and I could get my other boys back, it would work out. I still have to meet with Talia and see what she says, but I'm hopeful.

I forgot to say how my soufflé turned out! According to the lesbians (btw, they do have names: Ann and Helene), it was very good for a first time and if I practice, I'll be great. Oh! I'm going to learn to make Yorkshire pudding, too. I want to be able to do it the next time Orli comes over and A&H are going to help me plan a menu. They really are turning out to be the sisters I wish I had growing up. They're both older than I am (35 and 36), so they're starting to see me as a little brother, too. At least that's how they're starting to treat me, which is kind of funny considering they wanted me to father their kid. What's weird is if they get back on the baby train, I would feel more comfortable saying yes. 'Course, it's easy for me to say since I know they're not ready right now.

Sandy (who really needs to come visit) called me with some news. I won't go into details but a Seattle news station is going to interview Kevin in prison. I'm livid. I want to sue and I want to get a gag order or something but I don't know if I can. Then again, I want to stick by my resolution to ignore all the shit and concentrate on the good stuff. And there's so much more good than bad in this whole thing. So much more.

Okay. I'm officially letting it go. What the hell can he say, anyway? He's as bad as the rest of them (worse, actually), and not worth my time or energy.

I think I need to go meditate. Or drink. Or make a call.

[locked from Kevin]

I'm leaving him. He called me today, told me why he doesn't trust me but that he refuses to let me go until he's ready for me to leave. When I said I didn't want to see him when he's angry, he threatened Wendell.

I know I've fucked up. I've given him reason not to trust me and while he might not know it for sure, I haven't been completely faithful to him. You know what's funny? When Kevin and I were first together, I never even noticed other men. I had no desire to be with anyone but him. But now... I won't say that Kevin made me do anything. He didn't. His behavior made it easier for me to let someone else in. I still feel guilty, though. And I'm going to keep feeling guilty until Kevin and I are officially over. It's my MO. I even felt guilty throughout my divorce proceedings.

I'm flying home to Seattle after I visit Mom and Peter. Kevin ordered me home the day after I see them and I'm going to comply because I'm very scared for Wendell. I'll go home, I'll play along. I don't know what he's got planned for me, but maybe if I humor him, he'll go to work as usual and then I can leave while he's gone. That's the plan, anyway. I'm just glad Orli's going with me. When I get home, I'll try to get hold of Sandy, too. If I'm leaving town, she should know.

I've been working like a mad man to get everything covered for my vacation. This Fillmore thing threw me for a loop, but between Sandy and the other admin support staff, things should be all right. The new guy is...interesting. I think I misjudged him. It's only been a few days, but I'm definitely thinking that the incompetence thing is an act to see exactly what I can handle. We'll see. And he's maybe a teensy bit charming. Kev thinks he's sort of testing me, too. He also thinks I should try flirting with the man to see how he reacts. I think my boyfriend's on drugs.

This is K: I need drugs. He's leaving me for a week.

This is me: I'll bring you back something nice.

K: Bastard

Me: I'll miss you, too, pookie.

K: Don't call me pookie.

It's poetry, isn't it? Anyway, Kevin's moping (and I'm regretting that he can't go with me :-( :-( :-( :-(:-( ), but, yes, I am going on vacation for a week. Actually, I'm going to be away from him for nine nights. He's told me I don't have to call him every night, but like hell I'll listen to him. Since you're sitting right next to me, reading what I type, officer, you are going to get a call from me every night, end of story. See? I knew you'd like that, Mr. Tough Guy.

My laptop is going with me, though, and while I've promised myself I won't do any work, I feel better that I can be connected, just in case. Plus, I'll want to check in and see what everyone here is up to!

Okay. Down to business!

I will be leaving for the east coast tomorrow night. I'll be spending Saturday through Tuesday in Connecticut so I can see Mom and Peter. I have Wednesday through Saturday slated for anyone who'd like to meet up with me while I'm out there. I've talked to a few folks from New York, and I think it would be fun to get together, even if it's just for drinks or lunch or something. Obviously, no one has to say hi, but if you'd like to, please let me know so we can schedule something. And if no one does, Petey and Mom will be stuck with me all week!

I think Wendell knows I'm going somewhere. He seems miffed with me and is sticking closer to Kevin than usual. Our puppy's giving me guilt! Bless his little heart.

I have to remember to take Sandy out for Administrative Assistant's Day or week or whatever it is. If anyone deserves to be treated, it's her.

Kevin wants to work in Vice, now. I'm irritated. He knows it.

Work sucks and I might have to cancel my trip if Fillmore doesn't come back.

I hate my damn life.

Last night was great. I can't believe I'd been so nervous beforehand! Kevin's friends were so sweet and warm and I felt so welcome. There were three other couples there, including another Jewish/Catholic combo. (Let me see if I can remember everyone's names... We went to Joel and Sara's house, and were joined by Sid and Nancy (yes, I did crack up but they'd heard it all before and were very good-natured about it) and Dave and Carol.) Kevin and I are going to plan a dinner party once all the moving's been settled, and have all of them over.

The seder itself was actually pretty cool. I told Kevin later that thinking about all the tradition involved kind of got to me because I felt as if I was allowed to be part of something that was so much bigger than myself, and I was really touched. Obviously, the Catholic church is full of tradition, pomp and ceremony, but this felt so different. I can't explain it, and Kev didn't make me try.

All right, be warned that I'm going to get a little sappy. I feel very sappy, anyway.

Before we went to bed, all I could think about was the BIG talk I needed to have with him. Mom and Peter had me second guessing myself and so worried that maybe I was doing the wrong thing, I wanted to make sure Kevin really was okay with everything. Before I could even start talking, though, Kevin told me he loved me, and said that he knew it might seem fast, but he wanted me to know how he felt and that if I needed more time, he'd understand. I really wasn't expecting that, and I think I scared him because I was so quiet. (The last time I felt that emotional was when Peter and I made up after over ten years of estrangement.)

I told Kevin I loved him, too, and then we...well, you can figure that part out. Afterwards, we made the final decision that W and I would move in with him. I don't know what time we finally fell asleep, but I'm not even tired today. I'm so damn happy, I'm taking Sandy and a couple of the other assistants out for lunch today to celebrate. (Apparently, my personal life is fodder for their lunchtime conversation. When Sandy told me, I didn't get mad. I probably should have, but... It's all so funny to me and I have nothing to hide. So, why not take them out? I can give them firsthand accounts of the latest developments. Does that make me weird? Hmm, maybe I can consider them pseudo-groupies. Counting Ynez (though she's an imaginary one - and there IS a difference!), that would make four.)

Kev's off this weekend, so we're going to make the move then. He'll come over after work tonight and tomorrow and help me pack. I don't have very many things, but packing always seems to take longer than I think it will.

He said he loves me. I can't stop smiling.

I know I only worked three days this week, but I have to say I'm ready for the weekend. I'm at the tail end of this thing where you feel okay but not necessarily good. I figure a nice relaxing weekend should do it.

Kevin and I are going to dinner, tonight, to celebrate a month together. I'm taking him to this sweet, small, romantic Italian restaurant Sandy recommended. Her new beau took her there and she raved. I haven't been, but I trust her tastes because she's good about knowing mine. I'll wear the tie clip he gave me and I bought him a pair of platinum cufflinks. I don't personally know too many men who still use cufflinks, but he does, and I love that.

On a completely different topic... Katie Couric is taking over the CBS Evening News? I love the idea of a solo female anchor on a weeknight evening news program and I'd like her to do well. But the evening news isn't morning television. I'll save my judgments until I actually watch her.

Wendell's in here with me, today, but next week I'll have to leave him with the neighbor so he can start to get used to not seeing me during the day. Actually, it's more for me. Though... No one minds him being here, and he gets regular walks and lots of attention from folks. He's already pretty spoiled and it's only day three. Maybe I'll make him one of those dogs that goes everywhere with its owner. He's so damn cute. I never got to take Lani and Jake everywhere with me but that was because they were too big, plus, they had a backyard to play in when Talia and I were at work. Lani was too big, anyway. He's a german shepherd and collie mix. Jake's a Jack Russell. I did take them with me when I ran errands, though... Fuck it. Wendell's my dog, and until I'm told I can't bring him in, I'll do it. Though he will be left with the neighbor when Kev and I go out tonight.

I am not in the mood to work. I want to kidnap Kev from work, grab W and drive out to Snoqualmie.

Jeez, I almost forgot. Fillmore said it shouldn't be a problem for me to take a vacation next month. I'm thinking second week in May (6th to 14th).

Okay, W's giving me that look. I'm going to go walk him.

I managed to drag my ass into work today. I'm feeling a lot better, actually. I think I just had a bug that hit me a little hard and is at the end of its run. Sandy says I don't look that sick and she's suspcious about my days off coinciding with Kevin's, but then she got distracted by Wendell's cuteness.

Everyone loves him, and it turns out that Fillmore has a Yorkshire bitch, so he doesn't mind W being here just as long as there are no accidents. I wonder if he'll want to set Wendell up with his dog...

Right now, Sandy has W's little dog bed set up by her desk. I guess she's adopting him for the day. He doesn't seem to be nervous or clingy, so I think that's good. I, however, keep looking to make sure he's okay. He's within eyeshot, though, so that's fine.

I just received word that there's going to be a fundraising dinner on April 28th, and I'm strongly urged to attend. I can take a date. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that Kevin and I will still be together, so I'll take him. I bet he'll look gorgeous in a tux.