porter_inc: (goof)
I've had this journal for a year (yesterday). When I started it, I wasn't sure that I'd keep it for long. Sandy was the one who convinced me to get it, and I'm glad I did. I've met some great friends through it, and I've met the love of my life. I'm confident that the next year is going to bring more wonderful things.

The 9th is going to be a year since I joined that writing community. It's been pretty neat and I've actually responded to every writing prompt every week, plus a few old ones.

Most importantly, the 1st marked six months since the very first time I kissed my beautiful boy.
porter_inc: (body)
I love exercising. Yes, the health benefits are great, and the high I get from it is something I definitely miss when I don't get in my workout. But, and this is hard for me to admit, I also like the way it makes me look. I know Orlando appreciates it, too, so now I work out for him as much as I do for myself. I'm in very good shape and I can admit that I look pretty good. Nothing's sagging, nothing's bulging unless it's supposed to, and I'm not ashamed to take off my clothes shirt in public. While I'm blushing a little while I type this, the fact remains that I believe it's time I embrace my assets and stop being self-depracating if I receive a compliment. All right, I'm lying. I'm still going to blush if someone compliments me. Damn it. The reason I think it's so hard for me to be vain is because I wasn't raised to feel good about myself in any way. Anything I thought I did well was immediately put down by my father and I was told pride was sinful. That's another story, though.

I was a complete geek growing up. I had braces, I was ugly, I was picked on, I never stood up for myself and I couldn't fight a lick. (I still can't fight and I was hesitant to learn for a very long time. Once, I tried to take a boxing class, but I had to quit the first night because I had a panic attack. Getting my ass kicked by my dad on a regular basis has made me shy away from anything resembling violence. But, now that I feel a genuine need to be able to protect the man I love, I'm thinking about taking a class again. I'm strong, but I don't know how to use that strength.)

In high school, I scored extremely well on assessment tests but never applied myself in class for fear of being labeled "the smart kid." I didn't want to stand out, I never wanted to be recognized for my accomplishments, and I certainly never wanted to let on that I was a lot cleverer than people thought. I got over that in college, by the way, but I still liked to be modest and keep a low profile. You see, if people underestimate you while they think they're stepping all over you, they tend to become comfortable and complacent and are shocked when you fight back. I haven't come right out and said this before, and I won't say it again, but remember the following: I'm friendly, I smile a lot, I talk a lot and I sometimes play dumb. But I'm not an idiot. If I genuinely like you, you'll know it. It'll usually involve me talking to you on a regular basis and having fun with you while I do it. I'm loyal to my friends until the day they give me a reason to no longer trust them. After that happens, I'm still friendly, but guarded. Lastly, and please excuse the language, if you ever fuck with the people I care about, most especially the man I love, I will find a way to make sure you pay for it. I can admit that it takes a lot to make me truly angry, but once I am, you won't find anything remotely amusing about it.

No, I haven't taken cranky pills today, I'm just putting out a fair warning that I'm no longer a doormat. (If you're reading this, K, and you probably are, I'm not scared of you anymore.) Trust me, this goes to issues I've had since way back. I've also decided that I'm going to retool my friends list for simplicity's sake. If I have you friended, but you haven't friended me back, I'm going to remove you and make all my entries friends only. (Plus, I don't read anyone's journal if they don't have me friended, so, really, what's the point?) Reading my journal without friending me is a bit like spying on me and I don't appreciate that. I'm very hinky about privacy matters now and I'd appreciate anything I have to say in here not being shared with outsiders. I know I can trust my friends and, frankly, as I've just explained, I don't need validation from strangers to make me feel special. If I do get wind of anything private being shared, I'll unfriend you, too. This will be my last public post.

That's all.

ooc )
porter_inc: (William)
So I was thinking about something this morning as I lay in bed. Granted, I was still kind of sleepy because Orli and I had stayed up later than usual doing premarital things involving honey dust and feathers, but I was feeling pretty philosophical and deep. You know how people always say it's quality and not quantity that counts? They're right. It holds true for something as simple as investing in one really good item versus having several cheaper things around, as much as it does for something as serious as relationships. I was married for (all together now) 12 years, but they weren't quality years. On paper, my marriage looked like a success just because of how long we'd been together, but underneath it all, it had become a hollow mess. The level of my happiness during those years was nothing when compared to the complete joy I've experienced in the four and a half months I've had with Orlando. Our first date was dinner at the hotel in Scotland the day I arrived. At the time we weren't thinking of it in those terms, obviously. We were just two friends meeting and discussing our lives, but all that time we spent together, getting to know one another, was more precious to me than some of the years I've spent with some people. As Legolas recently said to me, time means nothing to the heart and you can love enough for a lifetime in a day. I wouldn't have ever believed that before Orlando.

This led me down the road to some other advice I'd gotten years ago from one of my old college professors. He told me that successful people will tell you the same thing over and over again: Be the best you that you can be and don't worry about what anyone else says about you. Whatever you think about yourself is what other people will think about you, and if you believe positive things about yourself, that's all that matters. Get rid of the negative people in your life. Not just that, but realize that jealousy can be a very powerful, harmful thing, and it's important not to let other people's jealousy affect you. If someone's envious of your life or your relationship or your friends, it's their problem. Don't let it become yours.

I have to admit that at the time I thought it was all a bunch of motivational speaker tripe, but he was actually telling me things that could help me if I'd only chosen to take them all in at the time. But I can do it now. I'm trying to live by this. Let go and let God. Or, let go and let (insert the name of your own higher power here). All I want to do is love my family and friends, and live every day to the fullest. I know how quickly it can be taken away, so I refuse to dwell on what could happen when there is so much happiness to be found in what is happening.

Now, we go from the sublime to the ridiculous. Doing that 27 questions meme called for me to give weird facts about myself. I didn't want to tell everyone the same thing, so I'm going to list what I've told folks so far:

- The thing I told Orlando
- I used to be afraid of mushrooms
- I eat apple cores
- I can walk on my hands
- I collected bottle caps when I was a kid
- I can burp the alphabet

I can't remember everything I told people, but I think that's it.

Musings

Jan. 12th, 2007 01:25 am
porter_inc: (serious)
I'm a pretty easy going guy, for the most part. Well, except for this jealousy stuff, but I'm actually learning to deal with that! I don't want to turn into some psycho who refuses to let my sweetie have fun just because I'm insecure, you know? I had enough of that with Kevin. So better to nip it on the bud now before it gets embarrassing and one day I come across like a raving lunatic.

But all of this new madness aside, I am easy going. I get mad when people attack the people I love, but I think that's just a human reaction. When I'm attacked, though, I generally curl up into a ball and apologize until it's over and the other person is satisfied. It's a pretty good defense and one I've had since I can remember. But when someone I consider to be a friend hurts me, I don't really have a defense for that. I'm a sap because I still want to try and make things right with them even if they shut me out. And even when they stop talking to me, I live in the vain hope that they'll get over whatever it is they're upset about and one day be my friend again. No matter how angry and hurt Pete and I might get with one another, I'll still do anything for him. I really need to learn how to cut my losses, though. Especially since I know that if they were ever in trouble, I'd help them in any way I could, but I couldn't really say the same for them. I know that the word "friend" doesn't have the same meaning for some that it does for me. I really am a sucker sometimes. Mom says I'm kind, I just think I'm a patsy who takes people at face value and who tends to trust people far too quickly. Sometimes easy going can lead to someone being a doormat.

Okay, I need to stop this. Thinking about the divorce has stirred up a lot of crap in my head and it's making me relive some really shitty moments in my life. It's over and done. The people I thought were my friends picked a side and it wasn't mine. I have to move on and stop thinking I can ever be close to them again. Divorce sucks. Ex wives suck. Lawyers suck. Ex wives who marry lawyers suck. Friends who pick the ex over me suck. There. I think that may have helped. (Orli, is there some kind of mediation thing I can do to forgive all the crap?)

On a lighter note, I woke Orli up this morning by giving him a zerbert on his tummy. I couldn't resist.
porter_inc: (smile)
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I hope everyone's recovering from their night of partying.

I LOVE the first of January. There's nothing like it, is there? There's a whole year stretching out in front of me and I know that I'm going to make the very best of it. The most exciting part? I'm not going to be alone on the journey.

And check this out:

Me llamo Will. Necesito un maletero.

Heh. That's sort of a joke since that's supposed to say, "My name is Will. I need a porter." I'm a dork. But I am going to try and learn a few little phrases every day.

----

For Orli:

I love the way you rub your eyes when you first wake up in the morning.

(I'm serious about telling you something every day, sweetie.)
porter_inc: (red shirt)
Hey peeps:

This is a heads up about Orli's birthday. In two weeks, he's hitting the big 3-0 and Michael and I are throwing him a surprise birthday party. All the details will be announced later, but this is to warn you that you MUST keep Saturday, January 13th open. If you're not going to be able to attend, you'd better get him an awesome present to make up for missing such an important milestone in his life. I understand that things come up, but you'd better be there if you want to call yourself our friend and don't want me to go all Incredible Hulk on you. I have muscles. Fear them.

Oh my god, I'm so kidding. Seriously, after the year Orlando's had, I would love to have the chance to show him that his real friends still care about him and support him. Even if you don't like me, please give some thought to attending. This is for Orli and I know he would love to see you all there.

Pretty please.

Peace out,
Will
porter_inc: (smile)
[ooc: Posted early for obvious reasons, takes place the day after this.]

I would like to wish all my friends a Merry Christmas, happy holidays, joy to the world, peace on earth and goodwill to all men, women, children, aliens and fairies. I hope that gifts made it to you guys in time for the day, and if not, they're on their way!!

Now, I have a very special announcement to make. Please don't kill me for not saying anything about this before, but I wanted to keep the people who knew to a really tiny number for fear of jinxing it.

Last night, I asked Orlando to marry me, and he said yes!!!!!

I don't think I've stopped smiling since he accepted, and I can't imagine anything making me happier except our actual wedding day. I'm kind of freaking out because I can't believe this is actually happening. I mean, what if I'm just dreaming and really have a life working as an insurance salesman in Lincoln? This wonderful life with fabulous friends and loved ones can't really be mine, can it? I can't be in love with the most amazing man and ready to spend my life with him, can I?

I'm so blessed, I can't begin to wrap my head around it. And as we all embark on a new year, I just wanted you guys to know that I couldn't be happier that we're all heading there together.

I'm engaged. To someone I love and adore beyond belief. I could get used to this feeling.
porter_inc: (happy man)
Have I ever told you, my dear, sweet friends, that I love each and every one of you?
porter_inc: (Default)
I feel like I'm about to write a report for the third grade, but before the day gets too hectic, I wanted to sit down and think about everything for which I am grateful. I think I'm like most people in that I don't really "celebrate" the first Thanksgiving (there's just way too much baggage attached to the history of it), but, rather, I take this day to reflect on the blessings in my life. I really am thankful for everything every single day that I wake up, but I don't think I express it enough. So, here I am, being official.

First and foremost, I am thankful and grateful for the man I love. Ever since Orlando entered my life, I've felt incredibly blessed and happier than I ever thought possible. He's made me discover a part of myself that I never thought existed. In past relationships, I've recognized the selfishness inside me that never really allowed me to put anyone else completely ahead of myself. In fact, I'm still that way to a certain extent with my friends. But Orlando is the first person I can honestly say I would do absolutely anything for without hesitation. Because of him I finally understand what it really means to love someone selflessly and to be loved in return. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I hope that this is the first of many, many Thanksgivings that we will spend together.

I'm thankful that my mom is healthy and still as vibrant as I ever remember her being. She's so happy, so supportive and such a source of strength for me when I need her. The two of us have been through a lot together and I don't know what I'd do without her in my corner. If I had become a father, I would have wanted to be the kind of parent to my child that Mom is to me. She's very special and I don't feel I let her know nearly enough. I'm also grateful that she adores Orli (she tells her friends that he's an ideal son-in-law) and is so accepting of my life. I know how very, very lucky I am that she doesn't share the views my father had of me. Speaking of, I'm still thankful the bastard's dead. I bet the turkey in Hell is really dry.

I'm grateful for Peter. He's been my best friend for 22 years - though we were estranged for over a decade when I married Talia. But the day I went to him after all that time, he took me back as if no time had passed. He helped me to come out, he was there for me when I was at my lowest point, and I can never forget that. I know that he thinks I don't have room for him in my life, anymore, but that's only his perception because, for the first time ever, there is another man who's first in my heart. I will always need Pete in my life and I hope he can realize that one day.

I am very thankful for all of my friends. I do have to single out Logan for his unwavering support during my confrontation with Kevin because that was literally a life or death situation. If not for him and Orli, I would be dead and unable to be babbling right now, so... Yeah. Wes, Snake, Iris, Mac, Ray, Ynez... I really want to list out absolutely everyone, but I'll accidentally leave off someone's name and feelings would get hurt, so I'll just say that you know if you're my friend. And if you are my friend, I would like to get mushy for a second and say thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you for the humor, the conversation, the support and the understanding. I love you guys.

I'm thankful for my health, my wealth and the life I have. I'm grateful for all of the opportunities I have, the ones I'll make, and the fact that I can look around every day and appreciate what I do have instead of lamenting what I don't.

Oh, and I'm still really grateful that I don't have to pay alimony anymore.

Happy Thanksgiving to those of you who celebrate. For those of you who don't, Happy Thursday. Much love.

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