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Topic 132: What makes you angriest?
Jun. 24th, 2006 11:07 amThe things that make me mad seem to change from day to day. One moment, I'm cursing the imcompetence of bad drivers, the next I'm going off on something I heard some asshole say on the radio. I suppose what makes me the angriest is whatever happens to be pushing my buttons at any one particular time. Then again, I think that may be mere annoyance rather than true anger.
I'm not an angry man. I don't know what it's like to feel true rage. Even at the worst point of my breakup with my ex-wife, I didn't feel what I imagine rage to be. I was angry, of course, but a large part of that was my own guilt for letting things spiral out of control the way they had. The episode with the dogs didn't even engrage me as much as it disgusted me.
My boyfriend sometimes tells me he worries that I don't express my anger when I'm around him. He jokes that he's afraid I'll finally have to let loose and kill everyone in sight once I reach my breaking point. I think he only says that because he doesn't have a problem getting pissed off in front of me, and maybe he wants me to join in and do that. I don't like seeing him angry, though, so I'm not going to fuel the fire once it's started. When I told him about what Somers was doing to me at my old job, it was only because we were away for the weekend that Kevin didn't track Alex down and kill him. He was angrier than I'd ever seen him, and even though I knew it wasn't directed at me, it still made me feel uneasy. It took me a while to calm him down, too. I just hope he never gets that mad at me.
But this isn't about what makes my boyfriend angry, is it?
I don't like getting angry. I don't like thinking about things that could make me angry. Growing up, I faced my father's anger every day because I wasn't the son he wanted. Why the hell would I want to be anything like him?
But I guess a real hotbutton for me is anyone making cracks about my sexuality. I grew up hearing nothing but derogatory comments and judgments about gay men from my father. When I was going through the divorce with Talia, I heard even worse, all directed at me and my so-called "choices." If you want to stay on my good side, you won't grouse, in any way, about me being gay. Ever.
I'm not an angry man. I don't know what it's like to feel true rage. Even at the worst point of my breakup with my ex-wife, I didn't feel what I imagine rage to be. I was angry, of course, but a large part of that was my own guilt for letting things spiral out of control the way they had. The episode with the dogs didn't even engrage me as much as it disgusted me.
My boyfriend sometimes tells me he worries that I don't express my anger when I'm around him. He jokes that he's afraid I'll finally have to let loose and kill everyone in sight once I reach my breaking point. I think he only says that because he doesn't have a problem getting pissed off in front of me, and maybe he wants me to join in and do that. I don't like seeing him angry, though, so I'm not going to fuel the fire once it's started. When I told him about what Somers was doing to me at my old job, it was only because we were away for the weekend that Kevin didn't track Alex down and kill him. He was angrier than I'd ever seen him, and even though I knew it wasn't directed at me, it still made me feel uneasy. It took me a while to calm him down, too. I just hope he never gets that mad at me.
But this isn't about what makes my boyfriend angry, is it?
I don't like getting angry. I don't like thinking about things that could make me angry. Growing up, I faced my father's anger every day because I wasn't the son he wanted. Why the hell would I want to be anything like him?
But I guess a real hotbutton for me is anyone making cracks about my sexuality. I grew up hearing nothing but derogatory comments and judgments about gay men from my father. When I was going through the divorce with Talia, I heard even worse, all directed at me and my so-called "choices." If you want to stay on my good side, you won't grouse, in any way, about me being gay. Ever.
