Flotsam

Dec. 30th, 2006 12:59 pm
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Janice called back. It's up to him to call her after the new year. She was happy to hear from me and asked how I was doing. I froze. Conditioning! But I said fine and asked for a referral for myself.

I have a sinus thing but it's not a cold. No fever. Just sniffles and congestion. Nonetheless, Mom's drowning me in chicken soup. And hot toddies. I keep passing out. Now, I just pour them down the drain before I get alcohol poisoning.

Peter broke up with the boytoy because he was too immature. Pot. Kettle. Black. Kidding. It sounds like they wanted different things from life. The boytoy wanted to go out every night, get drunk, do drugs, be an all around hot little party monster. And Peter's 34. Heh. I should remember that for the next time I talk to him.

Talia called to tell me lawyer man broke the lamp I gave her for a wedding gift and asked for the name of the store where I bought it. Bastard probably did it on purpose because he hates Tiffany lamps. She heard about Lesbian Knock Up 2007 and congratulated me on my impending fatherhood. Then she went into a long, sad discussion about the baby we lost and how he or she would have turned thirteen this year, she and I would probably still be happily married and I wouldn't have felt the need to "become involved in that gay nonsense" since I would have had fatherly responsibilities. I honestly didn't know where to start telling her what was wrong with pretty much everything that she said beginning with the lesbians. She did get the age of the kid right, though. God, me with a teenager? Jesus wept.

Ann and Helene came by. They've decided that Ann will carry the bambino. Good choice. She's prettier, more intelligent, athletic, great sense of humor, no visible deformities and I would actually have sex with her if they wanted to do it that way. Okay, that last part's a lie, but the rest is true. I love Helene, and it's not as if she could pass for the Creature from the Black Lagoon or anything. Ann's just got more of everything. It's kind of like me and Orli. On my own, I'm not bad. But Orli's got more of everything. Anyway, Operation Babymaker looks like it's really going to happen this time. And I've decided not to have anything to do with the offspring other than them sending me pictures so I have proof it didn't turn out looking like an ape. It's not going to be my child and if they want to have a father figure in its life, they can sure as hell do better than me. And if anything happens to this one, too, I don't want to be able to care so much. Mom's ready to play Grandma, though, and scolded me quite handily when I reminded her that it wouldn't really be her grandchild after the papers are all signed. She said, and I quote, "William, I would be a grandmother to that baby if Mickey Mouse was the father. These girls are my friends and have asked me to be involved, and I will be for as long as they need me." Then I made a comment about the set of ears that kid would have if Mickey was the dad, not to mention being born with big, puffy, white glove-clad hands. She kicked me out of the kitchen and finished her tea with the ladies. Ann and Helene were laughing, though. See? Lesbians aren't all granola-crunching, Birkenstock-wearing, "global-warming-is-real"-gabbing, "I-lost-my-sense-of-humor-the-first-time-a -girl-went-down-on-me"-doing, man-hating, feminazis. In fact, I would be willing to bet that most of them are like Ann and Helene. And, as with any group, the extremists get all the press.

Evie called just to say hi. She's so sweet. I mean, even if she wasn't my sister (allegedly - DNA test next month), I would really like her. Get this: she says stuff the way I do. I know it's the other way around and is due to Dad, but every now and then she sounds like me. Is that freaky or what? And kind of cool. From the sounds of things, her brother - our brother - is just like Dad. Poor bastard. But she told me all about her latest casting project and how much trouble they're having finding someone to play the lead. I told her I'd do it as a favor but she had to promise not to want to cast me in everything after that because I just wouldn't have the time and would hate to feel obligated. Then I told her about my engagement, she screamed and congratulated me. I love this girl already.

Wendell and Blade are in love. Er, I mean, they're just "really good friends" who never leave each other's side, snuggle at night and do the same cute little doggie moves that make Mom want to deck them out in horrendous doggie sweaters. Poor babies. If I see them donning spandex and going for bike rides, I'm going to nickname them "Gyllenstrong."

The new year is almost here and the possibilities are endless. Please, God, don't let Orli break up with me.

Stuff

Oct. 26th, 2006 01:31 am
porter_inc: (cappucino)
There was some sweetness, some excitement and some oddness today.

I swear to god, Wendell told my mom he loves her. This little growly howl came out during dinner and it sounded like "Ri rove rou." Weird. It would make sense, though. She's been spoiling both boys absolutely rotten. Blade may very well serenade her tomorrow.

Mom's car arrived. It's a 2007 Toyota Camry because that's what she said she wanted when I was interrogating her (sneakily) to try and figure out what to buy. She loves it. After she scolded me for "wasting" my money, she took me for a spin to visit some of her friends. I had no idea that women in their 50s could get so excited over a new car. I still have lip prints on my face and one of them pinched my bottom. Saucy. I could totally have a Mrs. Robinson thing going on with her. If I weren't completely gay and involved with someone, of course.

I got an invitation to Talia's wedding in the mail. At first I thought it was a mistake, but there was a handwritten note in there from her. I won't share what it said, but my mouth is still hanging open in shock. It's got to be a trick. I've got spies on the case as we speak. Hopefully I'll find out what's going on. There's no way she can go from hating me to forgiving me in the course of a few weeks. I'm even more suspicious because she said she hopes I'll bring Orlando as my guest.

After much thought, I'm going to finally buy a car for myself. Dark blue Lexus convertible. Part of me thinks, "Oy, go for a classic!" (thanks, Ray) but the other, bigger part thinks, "Boy, you've earned this."

Car pictures! )

In other news, the lesbians are coming over tomorrow to teach me how to make a soufflé. They're postponing the baby thing again because of LD (Lesbian Drama(tm)), so in the meantime, I'm actually finding out that they're very sweet and a lot of fun. They popped over today to bring banana bread and tequila (something about a bet with Mom), and we all got to talking. Here's the good part: They told Mom they moved in together after dating for a week. This is the same woman who won't accept my being with Orli until we've been dating for at least three months. This is the same woman who constantly puts the lesbians up as a wonderful example of domestic bliss and commitment. So, what did I do when I saw the look of shock on her face? I laughed and laughed. Then, after a shot of tequila, I laughed and laughed some more.

I'm an evil son.
porter_inc: (cappucino)
I really like the new Justin Timberlake and John Mayer albums. Peter bought them for me as get well gifts. I'm partial to the John Mayer because it suits the way I'm feeling and it's nice and mellow. Plus, I think he has a sexy voice. I do have to give Justin some love, though, since "Sexyback" is pretty damn catchy. I'm over my standards phase for now.

Mom rented POTC and we watched it together after the lesbians left. It was cool watching it since, you know, Orli! I couldn't take my eyes off him. Mom teased me a little because I kept talking or getting up when he wasn't on screen, then shushing her when he was. I'm such a dork.

The lesbians have put me back on the list for sperm donors. The guy they'd decided on pulled out at the last minute. Um, I mean, he changed his mind. Not that he literally... So, anyway, I'm on a short list and they've asked me to think about it. Again. I'm leaning towards saying no because no child should be subjected to my genes. I think the talk about grandchildren got Mom even more excited about me doing this even though she's been told I'd have no legal right to the child. No more thinking about this until later. But I'm 99% sure I'll say no.

Peter's taking me to lunch tomorrow. He says he needs to talk to me about something important, but he can't stay over tonight because he has a meeting first thing in the morning. Wendell and Blade will be happy to have more room in the bed, I'm sure.

Oh, I almost forgot. Talia called today. She screamed something about me flaunting my filth so her friends could see it and then hung up on me. She's such a delicate flower. A fucking psychotic maneating Venus flytrap sort of flower.

Lesbians

Oct. 7th, 2006 03:08 pm
porter_inc: (cappucino)
I don't know why she did it considering I don't feel like showing my face to anyone but loved ones, but Mom's invited the lesbians over for dinner tonight. Maybe I'll stay up in my room. I could break out the Casio and play haunting melodies and Mom can tell them she has her very own Phantom.

I need to train Blade and Wendell to bite ankles on command.

Things

Oct. 6th, 2006 01:52 am
porter_inc: (cappucino)
BT

Sandy called today to see how I was doing. She started crying on the phone and I didn't know what to say. I felt so bad that she was so upset. She's promised to come visit me. Oh, she said that Alex (the man formerly known as "New Boss") was fired for committing lewd acts with his subordinate at the office. She thinks I should contact Big Boss and let him know that it happened to me, too, because he's threatening to sue for discrimination. But I don't want to have anything to do with Seattle ever again. I'm sure he won't win. He screwed around at work. His being fired has nothing to do with his sexuality.

Blade and Wendell are becoming fast friends. Wendell follows Blade everywhere and even tries to imitate the adorable little poses Blade has. It's the funniest thing, and if I didn't see it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it. Mom's spoiling the both of them, calls them her grandchildren and ordered them little doggie tee shirts off the internet. They're the closest she'll get to being a grandmother. Even though I know she's fine with it, sometimes I feel bad that Talia and I didn't have kids. Then again, the custody battle would have been brutal and she would have moved to Iceland just for spite to keep my kid away from me.

Mom just came up to tell me breakfast is ready and asked what I'm typing about. I read it to her (just the second paragraph). I won't say what she said, but she did make me blush.

Oh, I've decided to stop thinking about anything or anyone bad. Less chance of making myself nuts. So I'm just letting myself think about all the things and people that make me happy. It's a surprisingly long list.
porter_inc: (Default)
Peter's looking out the living room window when he sees Will's rental pull up. "Car!" he calls out to Will's mom, and takes a closer look. When he sees a figure in the front seat, he frowns. "And he's brought someone with him."

He's been helping Inez Porter get things ready for Will's visit, the both of them excited to see him. But Will hadn't told them anything about bringing someone along.

"Who is it, sweetie?" Inez asks, emerging from the kitchen where she's been getting lunch ready for her boys.

"I don't know," Peter shrugs. "Kevin maybe? He could have changed his mind about coming."

"Well, it's about damn time," Inez says. "What kind of man doesn't want to meet his boyfriend's family?"

Peter laughs and kisses her on the cheek. "Let's find out, shall we?"

In the car, Will looks over at Orli and smiles. Blade's happily perched in Orli's lap, looking every inch the proper little gentleman.

"I feel that I should warn you that my mom is a serial cheek pincher, and Pete has no idea you're coming. So, if you get shrieked at while your face is getting squeezed, I apologize now."

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