Feels Like Starting Over

Janice called back. It's up to him to call her after the new year. She was happy to hear from me and asked how I was doing. I froze. Conditioning! But I said fine and asked for a referral for myself.

I have a sinus thing but it's not a cold. No fever. Just sniffles and congestion. Nonetheless, Mom's drowning me in chicken soup. And hot toddies. I keep passing out. Now, I just pour them down the drain before I get alcohol poisoning.

Peter broke up with the boytoy because he was too immature. Pot. Kettle. Black. Kidding. It sounds like they wanted different things from life. The boytoy wanted to go out every night, get drunk, do drugs, be an all around hot little party monster. And Peter's 34. Heh. I should remember that for the next time I talk to him.

Talia called to tell me lawyer man broke the lamp I gave her for a wedding gift and asked for the name of the store where I bought it. Bastard probably did it on purpose because he hates Tiffany lamps. She heard about Lesbian Knock Up 2007 and congratulated me on my impending fatherhood. Then she went into a long, sad discussion about the baby we lost and how he or she would have turned thirteen this year, she and I would probably still be happily married and I wouldn't have felt the need to "become involved in that gay nonsense" since I would have had fatherly responsibilities. I honestly didn't know where to start telling her what was wrong with pretty much everything that she said beginning with the lesbians. She did get the age of the kid right, though. God, me with a teenager? Jesus wept.

Ann and Helene came by. They've decided that Ann will carry the bambino. Good choice. She's prettier, more intelligent, athletic, great sense of humor, no visible deformities and I would actually have sex with her if they wanted to do it that way. Okay, that last part's a lie, but the rest is true. I love Helene, and it's not as if she could pass for the Creature from the Black Lagoon or anything. Ann's just got more of everything. It's kind of like me and Orli. On my own, I'm not bad. But Orli's got more of everything. Anyway, Operation Babymaker looks like it's really going to happen this time. And I've decided not to have anything to do with the offspring other than them sending me pictures so I have proof it didn't turn out looking like an ape. It's not going to be my child and if they want to have a father figure in its life, they can sure as hell do better than me. And if anything happens to this one, too, I don't want to be able to care so much. Mom's ready to play Grandma, though, and scolded me quite handily when I reminded her that it wouldn't really be her grandchild after the papers are all signed. She said, and I quote, "William, I would be a grandmother to that baby if Mickey Mouse was the father. These girls are my friends and have asked me to be involved, and I will be for as long as they need me." Then I made a comment about the set of ears that kid would have if Mickey was the dad, not to mention being born with big, puffy, white glove-clad hands. She kicked me out of the kitchen and finished her tea with the ladies. Ann and Helene were laughing, though. See? Lesbians aren't all granola-crunching, Birkenstock-wearing, "global-warming-is-real"-gabbing, "I-lost-my-sense-of-humor-the-first-time-a -girl-went-down-on-me"-doing, man-hating, feminazis. In fact, I would be willing to bet that most of them are like Ann and Helene. And, as with any group, the extremists get all the press.

Evie called just to say hi. She's so sweet. I mean, even if she wasn't my sister (allegedly - DNA test next month), I would really like her. Get this: she says stuff the way I do. I know it's the other way around and is due to Dad, but every now and then she sounds like me. Is that freaky or what? And kind of cool. From the sounds of things, her brother - our brother - is just like Dad. Poor bastard. But she told me all about her latest casting project and how much trouble they're having finding someone to play the lead. I told her I'd do it as a favor but she had to promise not to want to cast me in everything after that because I just wouldn't have the time and would hate to feel obligated. Then I told her about my engagement, she screamed and congratulated me. I love this girl already.

Wendell and Blade are in love. Er, I mean, they're just "really good friends" who never leave each other's side, snuggle at night and do the same cute little doggie moves that make Mom want to deck them out in horrendous doggie sweaters. Poor babies. If I see them donning spandex and going for bike rides, I'm going to nickname them "Gyllenstrong."

The new year is almost here and the possibilities are endless. Please, God, don't let Orli break up with me.

I really like the new Justin Timberlake and John Mayer albums. Peter bought them for me as get well gifts. I'm partial to the John Mayer because it suits the way I'm feeling and it's nice and mellow. Plus, I think he has a sexy voice. I do have to give Justin some love, though, since "Sexyback" is pretty damn catchy. I'm over my standards phase for now.

Mom rented POTC and we watched it together after the lesbians left. It was cool watching it since, you know, Orli! I couldn't take my eyes off him. Mom teased me a little because I kept talking or getting up when he wasn't on screen, then shushing her when he was. I'm such a dork.

The lesbians have put me back on the list for sperm donors. The guy they'd decided on pulled out at the last minute. Um, I mean, he changed his mind. Not that he literally... So, anyway, I'm on a short list and they've asked me to think about it. Again. I'm leaning towards saying no because no child should be subjected to my genes. I think the talk about grandchildren got Mom even more excited about me doing this even though she's been told I'd have no legal right to the child. No more thinking about this until later. But I'm 99% sure I'll say no.

Peter's taking me to lunch tomorrow. He says he needs to talk to me about something important, but he can't stay over tonight because he has a meeting first thing in the morning. Wendell and Blade will be happy to have more room in the bed, I'm sure.

Oh, I almost forgot. Talia called today. She screamed something about me flaunting my filth so her friends could see it and then hung up on me. She's such a delicate flower. A fucking psychotic maneating Venus flytrap sort of flower.

BT

Sandy called today to see how I was doing. She started crying on the phone and I didn't know what to say. I felt so bad that she was so upset. She's promised to come visit me. Oh, she said that Alex (the man formerly known as "New Boss") was fired for committing lewd acts with his subordinate at the office. She thinks I should contact Big Boss and let him know that it happened to me, too, because he's threatening to sue for discrimination. But I don't want to have anything to do with Seattle ever again. I'm sure he won't win. He screwed around at work. His being fired has nothing to do with his sexuality.

Blade and Wendell are becoming fast friends. Wendell follows Blade everywhere and even tries to imitate the adorable little poses Blade has. It's the funniest thing, and if I didn't see it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it. Mom's spoiling the both of them, calls them her grandchildren and ordered them little doggie tee shirts off the internet. They're the closest she'll get to being a grandmother. Even though I know she's fine with it, sometimes I feel bad that Talia and I didn't have kids. Then again, the custody battle would have been brutal and she would have moved to Iceland just for spite to keep my kid away from me.

Mom just came up to tell me breakfast is ready and asked what I'm typing about. I read it to her (just the second paragraph). I won't say what she said, but she did make me blush.

Oh, I've decided to stop thinking about anything or anyone bad. Less chance of making myself nuts. So I'm just letting myself think about all the things and people that make me happy. It's a surprisingly long list.