porter_inc | Let's get physical...and other random thoughts

I love exercising. Yes, the health benefits are great, and the high I get from it is something I definitely miss when I don't get in my workout. But, and this is hard for me to admit, I also like the way it makes me look. I know Orlando appreciates it, too, so now I work out for him as much as I do for myself. I'm in very good shape and I can admit that I look pretty good. Nothing's sagging, nothing's bulging unless it's supposed to, and I'm not ashamed to take off my ~~clothes~~ shirt in public. While I'm blushing a little while I type this, the fact remains that I believe it's time I embrace my assets and stop being self-depracating if I receive a compliment. All right, I'm lying. I'm still going to blush if someone compliments me. Damn it. The reason I think it's so hard for me to be vain is because I wasn't raised to feel good about myself in any way. Anything I thought I did well was immediately put down by my father and I was told pride was sinful. That's another story, though.

I was a complete geek growing up. I had braces, I was ugly, I was picked on, I never stood up for myself and I couldn't fight a lick. (I still can't fight and I was hesitant to learn for a very long time. Once, I tried to take a boxing class, but I had to quit the first night because I had a panic attack. Getting my ass kicked by my dad on a regular basis has made me shy away from anything resembling violence. But, now that I feel a genuine need to be able to protect the man I love, I'm thinking about taking a class again. I'm strong, but I don't know how to use that strength.)

In high school, I scored extremely well on assessment tests but never applied myself in class for fear of being labeled "the smart kid." I didn't want to stand out, I never wanted to be recognized for my accomplishments, and I certainly never wanted to let on that I was a lot cleverer than people thought. I got over that in college, by the way, but I still liked to be modest and keep a low profile. You see, if people underestimate you while they think they're stepping all over you, they tend to become comfortable and complacent and are shocked when you fight back. I haven't come right out and said this before, and I won't say it again, but remember the following: I'm friendly, I smile a lot, I talk a lot and I sometimes play dumb. But I'm not an idiot. If I genuinely like you, you'll know it. It'll usually involve me talking to you on a regular basis and having fun with you while I do it. I'm loyal to my friends until the day they give me a reason to no longer trust them. After that happens, I'm still friendly, but guarded. Lastly, and please excuse the language, if you ever fuck with the people I care about, most especially the man I love, I will find a way to make sure you pay for it. I can admit that it takes a lot to make me truly angry, but once I am, you won't find anything remotely amusing about it.

No, I haven't taken cranky pills today, I'm just putting out a fair warning that I'm no longer a doormat. (If you're reading this, K, and you probably are, I'm not scared of you anymore.) Trust me, this goes to issues I've had since way back. I've also decided that I'm going to retool my friends list for simplicity's sake. If I have you friended, but you haven't friended me back, I'm going to remove you and make all my entries friends only. (Plus, I don't read anyone's journal if they don't have me friended, so, really, what's the point?) Reading my journal without friending me is a bit like spying on me and I don't appreciate that. I'm very hinky about privacy matters now and I'd appreciate anything I have to say in here not being shared with outsiders. I know I can trust my friends and, frankly, as I've just explained, I don't need validation from strangers to make me feel special. If I do get wind of anything private being shared, I'll unfriend you, too. This will be my last public post.

That's all.

ooc: Despite what he says, the boy is a bit cranky because of 'press' stuff. *sigh* Just check the friends list on his user info page and comment to be added if you're not on it. :-D

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's everything. I'm sick of feeling like the press knows all of my business, I'm sick of critics who think they know anything about my life, I'm sick of thinking about Kevin, and I'm sick of not being able to defend myself and my home. Or feeling that way, anyway.

And I appreciate that, Logan, thank you.

I'm sorry, Will, that's more than enough to deal with! On the plus side, you do seem to be making progress on the latter ones; with Wes and Snake to help out with the defense. Locking down your journal with Kevin... or has more happened there? Does Orlando have any suggestions on how he usually deals with the first ones? I can't imagine having your life under a microscope by everyone all the time.

I've gotten a couple of emails from Kevin, but I've dealt with them. And I'm happy to be working on the defense stuff.

Hopefully, the press stuff will be moot once Orli and I leave the country.

Kevin contacted you again? When? How? I mean how did he contact you and how did you deal with them?

When are you guys heading out? Are you still looking at that country?

He emailed me from prison. I wrote back and basically told him I want nothing to do with him. He wrote again to apologize, but I haven't answered him.

Oh, and we won't be heading out now.

This happen recently?

Why's that?

It was last month, so fairly recently. He was transferred to another prison and wanted to let me know.

Sounds like he used it as an excuse to talk to you. Are you going to write him back?

I did. Then he wrote again and tried to make me feel sorry for him and I wrote back and gave him a piece of my mind. He wrote again to apologize.

How are you feeling about communicating with him?

Annoyed, frustrated, grateful, sad.

Logan, I don't know where my head is and it's freaking me out.

*nods* It's a lot to sort through, and come to terms with.

Don't let him play you again, Will. He's good at that; knows exactly what to say and do to make others feel sorry for him or give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's all just an act.

If you ever want to talk, I'm always willing to lend an ear.

Thanks, man. Maybe when I get another email from him I should tell you before I write him back. You can remind of all of this. I know it's true, but I manage to forget it. Part of me - a small part, granted - still cares about him.

Just because the head knows better doesn't mean the heart stops caring. If you get another e-mail, let me know and I will gladly remind you!

*little smile* I will.

Let's get physical...and other random thoughts

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