porter_inc | Valentine's Day with his Boo

Will raises his head, a little confused as he looks at Orlando. "What limits are you pushing? I mean, if she said that, then it's a done deal. No more scenes. But...what limits, baby?"

Orlando's finding it hard to breathe suddenly.

"I never let them mix. I had my lovers, and I had the ones I did scenes with. I never let them come together because the pain was about sex, and it was never about love. And, and I couldn't love someone who hurt me, because Colin hurt me. Colin only fucked me and hurt me, and when someone hurt me, all I could feel was degraded, like he degraded me."

He suddenly pushes himself up, and stalks over to stare out the window. "When we were doing that, I started thinking that maybe it meant I didn't really love you because I let you do that to me. Or maybe it meant I loved you enough to let you see me like that. But I didn't know, and it scared the fuck out of me. I never understood before the other day with Janice that it all led back to Colin raping me."

He wipes his eyes. "I thought pain and sex were linked, but I didn't realize why."

It feels as if the blood's draining from Will as he listens to Orlando, and he feels lightheaded. He didn't know. He'd never made the connection between Colin and what he'd done. But now, listening to his lover, he can't believe he was stupid enough to ever do anything like that with Orli.

"Baby..." His throat is dry, so it comes out as a croak. He licks his lips and forces himself to his feet so he can go over to Orlando. "I'm sorry. I never... Jesus Christ, I'm sorry," he whispers.

Orlando shakes his head. "No, you didn't do anything wrong. I did. I have. I've tried to make myself out to be a normal bloke, but I'm not. I've got problems that I have to deal with before I can do things like that, but I'm on the right track now, I think."

"But I shouldn't have been so stupid," Will says, tentatively putting his arms around Orlando. "I want to help you work through your problems, sweetheart, and I'm glad you feel you're on the right track. But I didn't think. I...just didn't think. You know that I didn't mean any of that as a way to hurt you, don't you?"

Orlando sighs. "Will, it wasn't your job to think about it. I encouraged it. I wanted it. Of course I know you didn't want to really hurt me. I can't tell you enough that it's not you."

Will wraps his arms all the way around Orli, protective as he tightens his hold on him. "I wish I could kill him," he whispers.

"Don't say that," Orlando murmurs. "Please, baby, that doesn't make it better."

"It's not fair that he never paid for what he did to you," Will says, tears pricking his eyes as he holds onto Orli.

Orlando just shakes his head. He doesn't know what to say, and he's trembling.

"It's okay, baby," Will whispers when he feels Orli start trembling. "Come on," he says, gently leading him back over to the bed and pulling back the covers.

Orlando balks at lying back down. "I think I'd like to take a walk, if that's okay with you."

"Of course it is," Will says softly, then swallows. "Alone?"

Orlando reaches for Will's hand. "With you. Always with you, baby. I'm not trying to push you away, I swear."

Will squeezes Orli's hand and lets out a relieved breath. "I don't want you to feel like you can't have your space," he says, then grabs Orli and hugs him. "But I'd much rather you have your space with me in it."

Orlando holds him close. "I want that too." He kisses him gently. "I'll let you know if I ever need some time alone. I just want to walk off some nervous energy right now."

Will kisses him back, nodding. "That sounds like a great idea," he says, giving him another quick kiss. "But let's really bundle up, okay? It's gorgeous outside, but it's freezing."

Orlando laughs. "When have you ever seen me without my jacket?" He puts it on, then wraps his favorite scarf around his neck, and pulls a beanie on. "I think I'm ready."

Will grins as he puts on his coat and gloves. "Just making sure you don't get pneumonia," he says, taking Orli's hand as they head outside.

Orlando grins. "I take my vitamins," he promises.

Will's right, it's freezing, but he stays close to him and holds his hand, and it doesn't seem so bad.

After they walk a bit, Orlando asks, "What if I don't want to do that any more?"

Will gives Orlando's hand a squeeze and offers a little shrug. "Then we don't do it anymore," he says. He takes Orli's arm and hooks it with his own so they can be closer. "I in love with you, sweetheart. Not whatever games we may play."

Orlando doesn't look convinced. "But what if it's like I was with Cordy? I wasn't getting what I needed sexually."

"Because you were a gay man married to a woman," Will says. "Do you think that what we did is something you'll need but won't feel comfortable getting from me?" He stops and looks at Orlando. "Baby, I want you to be honest with me about this. Please."

"No," Orlando says firmly. "I'm more concerned that if I can't do it anymore, that you'll need it."

For an instant, Will looks at Orlando with a mixture of confusion and surprise. "You're talking about me?" He lets out a quick breath and pulls Orlando into his arms. "Sweetheart, I thought... God, no, baby. I don't need that stuff to be with you. I... It was something other lovers liked and I thought you liked it, but I can take it or leave it. I don't need it. Not by any stretch of the imagination, I promise you."

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