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PSA

Do not get drunk and post in your journal. When you read it the next day, you wonder what the hell you were thinking. But at least I locked it. I'm embarrassed reading it and that's with knowing no one else can see it! What's most surprising? I actually still made sense. Go fig.

I spent the night at Pete's because we got drunk while we talked some things out. This morning, he made me breakfast, then sent me on my way. We're good.

I've got to finish packing up my stuff! And I have to prepare Mom for the moment I rip her grandpuppies away from her.

[locked to Orlando]

Are you sure you want me to move in with you? I have a lot of annoying habits I won't be able to hide anymore.

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I'd rather have you move in with me than spend the night with Pete. *grin*

Me too, baby! He just didn't want me driving home if I'd been drinking.

Hmmm... yeah, I'll bet he didn't.

Sweetie, are you jealous?

Of course I'm jealous!

Baby, nothing happened, I promise you. Oh, wait, he tried to kiss me because he's a complete IDIOT and I put him in his place, but that's it. I just had to talk to him about some things concerning you and me. He'd wanted to take me to dinner, but I didn't see any point in doing that, so we had a few drinks and talked things out.

I know... you're right.

I just don't like knowing he still wants you.

I understand that feeling, sweetie. Trust me, he can want me all he likes, he's not getting me. And he knows that. Besides getting drunk, I did make it very clear to him during our little talk that I'm yours and he needs to start treating me like nothing more than a friend.

I can be a little possessive at times. I don't dislike Peter, I just don't want him touching you.

I probably shouldn't, but I like the thought of you being possessive. And he won't touch me anymore, I promise. I'll make sure to enforce that.

I shouldn't be that possessive. He can hug you and stuff. I just... I'm weird.

You're not weird. Remember when Aidan posted those sex dreams he had about different people? I got so pissed off at the one about you. And it was just a dream!!

Well, yeah. I suppose that's true.

*smiles* If I can get jealous over a dream, you can get jealous about my friend wanting me.

I just don't know if it's fair. I mean, I'm a flirt. I hug and I even kiss my friends. It's not fair for me to be angry if you do.

Hmm, when you put it that way, it does sound a little unfair. But would you be angry with me or the friend?

...

I'm not sure.

I don't like the thought of you being angry at all, let alone with me. But let me tell you how I feel when I think about you flirting or hugging and kissing your friends. I feel jealous, angry and insecure, and then the feeling's gone. It's this fleeting moment of madness, but I don't like it because I don't understand it. I know I love you, and I know you love me. I know that at the end of the day, I'm the one who's going home with you. But I bristle whenever anyone else touches you in a familiar way. Maybe it's because you have more history with them or something? I wish I knew.

What really confuses me is the fact that I turn around and get turned on at the thought that there are a lot of people out there who want you, but I'm the one who has you.

I'm not even making sense to myself.

I just think about people like Eric, or Michael, and every time I see them, I hug them and kiss them. Eric calls me "little Ranger", and I love it. But if it were someone doing that to you, I'd be jealous and angry. I guess that's one more thing to add to my list for the shrink.

Even if you know they're straight? I get jealous of the gay guys and the women, but I see you hugging Michael and telling him you love him and I'm okay with it.

You were a lot straighter than I was.

I know you were with lots of women, and I wonder if maybe one day, you'll be with one again.

Sweetheart, no. I can promise you that I have no interest at all in being with a woman again. I was only that way because I was young, wanted sex, and wasn't ready to admit I really wanted it from men.

But Will? How do you know every other straight guy in the world is really straight? What if I hugged and kissed someone we thought was straight, then found out he was like you?

...

Well, now I don't want you hugging and kissing anyone else at all.

Why does life have to be so complicated?

I don't know. I mean, I trust you and I know you wouldn't cheat on me.

And I know I wouldn't ever cheat on you. I don't even find anyone else vaguely attractive.

So what's the problem? Shouldn't that be enough?

C'mon, love. You can't tell me you don't find anyone else attractive.

I don't. I mean, I can obviously see if people are good looking or physically appealing, etc., but it doesn't mean I find them attractive in the sense that I'm attracted to them. It's kind of weird, because that's never happened before.

Oh.

Well, I suppose I'm flattered.

I've written about it a lot in my journal, but I don't think I've ever told you.

*smiles* It's okay if you think it's weird.

I don't think it's weird.

I think maybe I'm weird.

Why, sweetheart?

I would guess that's how a person is supposed to feel.

Maybe it's just how I'm supposed to feel so I don't fuck things up. If I didn't, I could end up cheating on you no matter how much I love you. I don't care what people say. I know that your character is a lot stronger than mine.

Oh God Will, you are SO wrong about that!

(ooc: wrong icon!)

Sweetheart, I know that neither of us is perfect. We have made a lot of mistakes. But you are faithful. You were faithful to Cordy when you were married. I was faithful to Talia by default. The only reason I didn't cheat on Talia with a woman during our marriage was because I didn't want to have to "service" two women. The first second Peter came to me and said he wanted me, I threw away 12 years of marriage to fuck him. And... I deliberately didn't come clean with Talia because I liked the idea of fooling around behind her back. I made a conscious decision to have sex with Peter in my marriage bed because I was angry with her for "making" me live a lie, and we did it there every day until she walked in on us. When she caught us, the very first thing I felt was excitement, not shame or remorse. It wasn't until I looked at her that I felt guilty.

I dumped Peter because I didn't want to feel married to him and that's what he wanted. I cheated on Kevin long before he started treating me badly, and lied about being forced to have sex with my boss. I wanted it because he was attractive and in a position of authority, so I did it. I probably deserved what Kevin did to me.

Shit, sweetheart, you are the first person I've been in a relationship with who makes me want to be a genuinely good, loving, faithful person. I can't explain how amazing it feels. But I would deserve to lose you. If you're having second thoughts because you think you're a bad person, don't. I can forgive you for anything you've ever done. You should have second thoughts because I'm not a good person.

Will, stop it, please.

You didn't deserve what Kevin did. Even if you did cheat on him.

I wasn't faithful to Cordy. I slept with Aidan. And the main reason I decided to stay married? Because I wanted to prove to Jimmy that I could. How shitty is that?

I'm sorry, Orli, but I'm not going to stop it until you see that I won't let you push me away.

I don't know if you remember, but a while back we talked about wanting to get to know everything about each other. I said that we might end up finding out we're both bastards.

Well, I guess in a way we've found out that we're definitely not angels. And that hasn't changed the fact that I want to be with you for the rest of my life.

Baby, I'm so happy you're going to talk to someone about your personal demons. Not because of how they'll affect me, but because of the way they're affecting you. Just, please let me love you while you work everything out. You deserve to be loved, and I don't want to be anywhere else but by your side.

I love you, and I want to be well for you. I'm going to get there, for you.

For us, darling.

For us.

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