porter_inc (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
porter_inc) wrote2006-12-28 02:09 am
porter_inc) wrote2006-12-28 02:09 am
News
Today I called the lesbians and told them that I'll be happy to knock one of them up. I had discussed it with Orli first because... Just because. And he's all right with it, bless him. Ann told me she's going to ask Mom if she would mind being there as a "grandmother" since her parents are deceased and Helene's folks have disowned her. I told her that she needs to expect a high pitched squeal when she does ask Mom to do that. Of course, Mom won't have any legal rights to the bundle and neither will I, so I'm a little worried about Mom getting hurt. Then again, my mother's a lot more resilient than I've ever given her credit for - just look at the circumstances with Evie and her brother. Anyway, I'll be signing all the necessary paperwork for the lesbians when it's time. Right now, they're looking at late January/early February for the launch date. I offered to do it the natural way and Ann very sweetly told me to "shut the fuck up, pervert!" Nice mouth you got there, Mama. :-) Oh, there will have to be sacrifices, though. When it's time for the harvesting, I won't be able to have sex or diddle lest I send my soldiers swirling down the shower drain or shooting down Orli's throat when either Ann or Helene will need them. It's all very strange and they've recommended the four of us do some counseling to ensure that all parties are fine, etc. Can't hurt, right? I want to make sure that Orli's okay through every step of this.
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Speaking of my love, I think someone's gotten to him.
Okay, that's just a phrase I'm using for effect. I don't think anyone's literally gotten to him. I'm just feeling a little... I don't know. I guess confused is good.
Since I popped the question, I almost feel as if he's actively trying to make me take back the ring and walk away from him. I can't talk to anyone about it because it's really nobody's business (and if I'm just being silly, I'd feel terrible that I spoke out of turn about him), but it's the strangest feeling. He'd told me before about his past relationships and the way things had ended, but when we discussed them in greater detail recently, it was almost as if he was trying to convince me that he's a horrible person. Even worse, it felt as if he was really getting upset as we talked. Upset with himself, or maybe upset with me for not getting upset with his actions. There's that confused thing again. All I can say is if his critics are under the impression that he doesn't have a conscience, they're full of shit. This man is still broken up about past events to the point where it feels as if he's... Maybe sabotaging is too strong a word, but I'm definitely getting a "Scared yet?" vibe from him.
I know he loves me, so it's not an issue of "Oh no, he changed his mind!" Not just that, but he'd be man enough to tell me. I know that it's sort of soon to ask for this kind of commitment, but it's not unheard of for people to have short courtships that lead to marriage (our own Commander in Chief being one example - Three months!! Laura, you sly hussy!!). No, I'm very secure in the fact that he loves me and he knows I love him.
But he keeps telling me how he leaves his lovers even when nothing's wrong. You know what I told him? He could go ahead and leave me, but I'd just go after him and bring him home. Then he asked me what I'd do if he said bad things to me before he left. I basically gave him the same answer. It's as if no one's ever fought to keep him before. I don't know how else to tell him that I won't let him walk away because he's afraid of being happy. But whenever he brings it up, I'll keep telling him I'll go after him.
Is he testing me? No, I don't think it's a test. I honestly think he's trying to warn me in order to protect me or maybe prepare me. Is it because he doesn't think he's worthy of being happy? Does he need to be forgiven by the wronged parties? Do I need to invest in some shackles and chain him to the bed so he can't run away and leave me?
I don't know what else to do but to keep loving him and reassuring him that if he leaves, I'm going after him. Jesus, for the first time in my life, I'm imagining having a real family with someone. Why would I ever let the man who can do that go?
[locked]
Speaking of my love, I think someone's gotten to him.
Okay, that's just a phrase I'm using for effect. I don't think anyone's literally gotten to him. I'm just feeling a little... I don't know. I guess confused is good.
Since I popped the question, I almost feel as if he's actively trying to make me take back the ring and walk away from him. I can't talk to anyone about it because it's really nobody's business (and if I'm just being silly, I'd feel terrible that I spoke out of turn about him), but it's the strangest feeling. He'd told me before about his past relationships and the way things had ended, but when we discussed them in greater detail recently, it was almost as if he was trying to convince me that he's a horrible person. Even worse, it felt as if he was really getting upset as we talked. Upset with himself, or maybe upset with me for not getting upset with his actions. There's that confused thing again. All I can say is if his critics are under the impression that he doesn't have a conscience, they're full of shit. This man is still broken up about past events to the point where it feels as if he's... Maybe sabotaging is too strong a word, but I'm definitely getting a "Scared yet?" vibe from him.
I know he loves me, so it's not an issue of "Oh no, he changed his mind!" Not just that, but he'd be man enough to tell me. I know that it's sort of soon to ask for this kind of commitment, but it's not unheard of for people to have short courtships that lead to marriage (our own Commander in Chief being one example - Three months!! Laura, you sly hussy!!). No, I'm very secure in the fact that he loves me and he knows I love him.
But he keeps telling me how he leaves his lovers even when nothing's wrong. You know what I told him? He could go ahead and leave me, but I'd just go after him and bring him home. Then he asked me what I'd do if he said bad things to me before he left. I basically gave him the same answer. It's as if no one's ever fought to keep him before. I don't know how else to tell him that I won't let him walk away because he's afraid of being happy. But whenever he brings it up, I'll keep telling him I'll go after him.
Is he testing me? No, I don't think it's a test. I honestly think he's trying to warn me in order to protect me or maybe prepare me. Is it because he doesn't think he's worthy of being happy? Does he need to be forgiven by the wronged parties? Do I need to invest in some shackles and chain him to the bed so he can't run away and leave me?
I don't know what else to do but to keep loving him and reassuring him that if he leaves, I'm going after him. Jesus, for the first time in my life, I'm imagining having a real family with someone. Why would I ever let the man who can do that go?
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Though, the way Mom would want to dive in headfirst, it would be a good idea for her to have some counseling with the lesbians on her own. They may talk to her about it and just not tell me.
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ooc: oops. replied in wrong place.
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It's not going to affect me. It's just a baby that belongs to someone else. It's not mine.
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[locked]
Honey, I'm worried. I'm a worrier. What if I get too attached? What if we both do? Or what if I say I'll be there and then my old fear about raising children rears up and I'm MIA? I almost wonder if it would be better to decide from the start not to be involved at all.
And it's not just that. I think about little Elyse so much because she's a part of you. I see how much you miss her all the time. Sometimes you say her name in your sleep. This wouldn't be just a baby. It's going to be my baby. It'll look like me. I'm scared that once you're actually face to face with it, or if you see me with it, you'll feel your loss even more than you already do and I can't stand the thought of making something that already hurts you so much even worse.
I want to help my friends. That's why I'm doing this. But I'm scared.
*locked*
Those women have chosen to raise a baby together. It's their responsibility, not yours. You can be MIA this time, and it won't hurt anyone. It's as if a couple you know had a baby. The only difference is that you're going to donate a teaspoon of fluid instead.
I do miss my daughter. I won't deny it. I dream about what she would have been like, and I would give ten years off my life if I could have just held her for a little while. I admit, I'm jealous that Cordy got to hold her and I didn't. Maybe it's why I have some animosity towards Cordy. Maybe it's something I should work through.
But it's not going to affect this child. It's just not.
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Have you... Do you think you should start seeing someone? I know we talk, but I worry about you so much and I love you so much, I know I can't be objective. I can't even pretend to be.
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There's not a 12 step program for people like me.
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If you change your mind, I saw a lady who was very helpful during my divorce/coming out drama.
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Oh God, I feel like I'm going to throw up.
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