"I never let them mix. I had my lovers, and I had the ones I did scenes with. I never let them come together because the pain was about sex, and it was never about love. And, and I couldn't love someone who hurt me, because Colin hurt me. Colin only fucked me and hurt me, and when someone hurt me, all I could feel was degraded, like he degraded me."
He suddenly pushes himself up, and stalks over to stare out the window. "When we were doing that, I started thinking that maybe it meant I didn't really love you because I let you do that to me. Or maybe it meant I loved you enough to let you see me like that. But I didn't know, and it scared the fuck out of me. I never understood before the other day with Janice that it all led back to Colin raping me."
He wipes his eyes. "I thought pain and sex were linked, but I didn't realize why."
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"I never let them mix. I had my lovers, and I had the ones I did scenes with. I never let them come together because the pain was about sex, and it was never about love. And, and I couldn't love someone who hurt me, because Colin hurt me. Colin only fucked me and hurt me, and when someone hurt me, all I could feel was degraded, like he degraded me."
He suddenly pushes himself up, and stalks over to stare out the window. "When we were doing that, I started thinking that maybe it meant I didn't really love you because I let you do that to me. Or maybe it meant I loved you enough to let you see me like that. But I didn't know, and it scared the fuck out of me. I never understood before the other day with Janice that it all led back to Colin raping me."
He wipes his eyes. "I thought pain and sex were linked, but I didn't realize why."