porter_inc (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
porter_inc) wrote2006-10-13 09:41 pm
porter_inc) wrote2006-10-13 09:41 pm
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Topic 148. What keeps you up at night?
There are a lot of things that keep me up at night. I worry about the people I love and try to think of everything I can do to make sure they're safe and cared for. Every now and then I think about my dad and wonder what he'd think of my life now. No, I know what he'd think, but I wonder how he'd handle it. I also say a prayer every night that Talia will get married so I can stop paying her alimony. I found out that she's the one who tipped off the papers about me, so that keeps me up, too. I usually alternate between cursing her and trying to think of ways to pay her back. I should stop that.
Lately, it's these stupid dreams I keep having about Kevin that are keeping me up. Everything still happens the same way. He's hitting me and... everything else. Logan and Orli still show up to save me. But when Kevin throws me down, the ending keeps changing. Sometimes he shoots me before Orli can stop him. Sometimes he shoots himself. Sometimes he shoots Orlando. It's that last one that makes me feel sick, because I actually see it happening. I see Orli go down, and I see Logan run in and shoot Kevin. But before either of us can get to Orli to save him, he's dead. It's horrific and it scares me to death and I usually spend the rest of the night awake and anxious. If Orli's with me, it's easy for me to just hold onto him and fall back asleep, but it's the nights I'm alone that are the hardest. I can't fall asleep unless I have a couple of drinks and some OTC sleep aid.
[locked]
You want to know something else that keeps me up? I know there are critics who think the fact that Orli's seemingly moved on so quickly makes him a bad husband and father. I'm not stupid, I hear things, I read things. I know shitty things are being said by people who have no connection or involvement with this situation; people who have no damn business opening their fucking mouths. It keeps me awake some nights, thinking too much and fuming. It's not so much what's being said - actually, it is, especially when it's some jackass who should just stay out of it. But it's also the fact that I don't think Orli would ever judge anyone else the way he's being judged. I could understand if he was malicious and evil and didn't care about what happened to him. But all of those pricks aren't there to see him when he's broken down and devastated. God forbid he finds comfort or a distraction in me. I guess they'd prefer him to shoot up and overdose or something. That would sell more papers and get more ratings, I guess.
We live in a world of serial killers, child murderers, neverending wars and devastating natural disasters, yet this is what some people choose to focus on. It almost makes me wonder if they've ever actually experienced real grief. If they had, they'd know that no one reacts the same way to it. God. Fuck 'em. I can't sleep when I think about the swipes and cheapshots people take, because I want to defend him and take them on myself. The only thing that makes me feel any better is that maybe he doesn't see or hear them. I hope he doesn't, anyway. Or, maybe he just knows the best way to deal with it is to ignore it. I wish I could learn to do that. I hate them and I know that doesn't do anything but hurt me in the end. This is why I need to learn to meditate. And he said he'll teach me. And while he's teaching me, I hope someone somewhere is pissed off at the fact that I'm with him. Oh, wait. That's not really going to be in the spirit of the whole thing. Never mind.
I'm sorry to bitch, but there isn't very much in this world that pisses me off like this. Hurting someone I care about is pretty much number one.
[/locked]
I think I need to get a prescription for something to help me sleep. I just want my brain to shut down at night so I can leave the worrying for the daytime.
Lately, it's these stupid dreams I keep having about Kevin that are keeping me up. Everything still happens the same way. He's hitting me and... everything else. Logan and Orli still show up to save me. But when Kevin throws me down, the ending keeps changing. Sometimes he shoots me before Orli can stop him. Sometimes he shoots himself. Sometimes he shoots Orlando. It's that last one that makes me feel sick, because I actually see it happening. I see Orli go down, and I see Logan run in and shoot Kevin. But before either of us can get to Orli to save him, he's dead. It's horrific and it scares me to death and I usually spend the rest of the night awake and anxious. If Orli's with me, it's easy for me to just hold onto him and fall back asleep, but it's the nights I'm alone that are the hardest. I can't fall asleep unless I have a couple of drinks and some OTC sleep aid.
[locked]
You want to know something else that keeps me up? I know there are critics who think the fact that Orli's seemingly moved on so quickly makes him a bad husband and father. I'm not stupid, I hear things, I read things. I know shitty things are being said by people who have no connection or involvement with this situation; people who have no damn business opening their fucking mouths. It keeps me awake some nights, thinking too much and fuming. It's not so much what's being said - actually, it is, especially when it's some jackass who should just stay out of it. But it's also the fact that I don't think Orli would ever judge anyone else the way he's being judged. I could understand if he was malicious and evil and didn't care about what happened to him. But all of those pricks aren't there to see him when he's broken down and devastated. God forbid he finds comfort or a distraction in me. I guess they'd prefer him to shoot up and overdose or something. That would sell more papers and get more ratings, I guess.
We live in a world of serial killers, child murderers, neverending wars and devastating natural disasters, yet this is what some people choose to focus on. It almost makes me wonder if they've ever actually experienced real grief. If they had, they'd know that no one reacts the same way to it. God. Fuck 'em. I can't sleep when I think about the swipes and cheapshots people take, because I want to defend him and take them on myself. The only thing that makes me feel any better is that maybe he doesn't see or hear them. I hope he doesn't, anyway. Or, maybe he just knows the best way to deal with it is to ignore it. I wish I could learn to do that. I hate them and I know that doesn't do anything but hurt me in the end. This is why I need to learn to meditate. And he said he'll teach me. And while he's teaching me, I hope someone somewhere is pissed off at the fact that I'm with him. Oh, wait. That's not really going to be in the spirit of the whole thing. Never mind.
I'm sorry to bitch, but there isn't very much in this world that pisses me off like this. Hurting someone I care about is pretty much number one.
[/locked]
I think I need to get a prescription for something to help me sleep. I just want my brain to shut down at night so I can leave the worrying for the daytime.