Takes place after this.
So I've started this meditation thing, trying to be more patient and a better person. I've been trying to live a peaceful life, being kinder and gentler to my fellow human beings. It helps that lately I've only wanted to be sweaty and naked with my favorite human being, but that aside, I've been working on being a better man.
Can you believe I think it's starting to pay off? Sort of.
Remember that interview that Kevin was supposed to do with that television station in Seattle? I don't know if the letter he sent me was connected to it in any way - and I really don't care. I didn't read the damn thing and I hope I don't hear from him again. Anyway, the interview is being postponed because Kevin's in the infirmary. According to Sandy, the news reported that a fellow prisoner attacked Kevin. There weren't any more details disclosed, and authorities are chalking it up to Kevin's status as a cop.
I know that I said I didn't want anything to happen to him, and this probably doesn't jibe with my whole "good will to all men" thing, but there's a part of me that's glad this happened. He hurt me. He terrorized me and he made me feel like shit. He threatened my friends and he almost killed me and them. If someone got a little cosmic payback, then more power to them.
The fucker raped me, so maybe someone did that to him. I hope they did. I hate feeling vindictive, but... I wish Orli had killed him. I wish I'd told Iris she could kill him. I wish someone in prison would kill him. I can't stop feeling him on top of me, hearing him telling me he loves me while he's forcing himself inside me, and I hate him for still being with me that way every time I close my goddamn eyes. The only time I get any peace is when I'm with Orlando. It's not just when we're making love. Just spending time with him makes me feel safe and at ease. I'm less anxious and less antsy when I can talk to him, I feel less angry when I can see him. I love him. He makes me happy but he saves me, too. Maybe it's unfair to put all that on him, but I have so much faith in him as a human being as well as a partner. I know people can't understand how quickly things have moved, but I can and I can't be bothered to explain or justify it. I just know I want to be with him in literally every way possible. Right now, Kevin is ruining that because I'm getting hung up on something. I really want to ask Orli to top me because I know it's going to be as amazing as everything else we've done. But I can't. I'm terrified that I'm going to start thinking of Kevin. It hasn't become an issue or anything but I need to get over it before it does. I need to get over it. I need to fucking get over it.
Of course, now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn't be happy that violence was the solution. Unless it was just karma for what he did to me. I'm confused now.