porter_inc: (lounge)
I forgot to mention this the last time I posted (why can't I post every day the way I used to? Why do I feel so restless and disoriented all the time? I'm really starting to get sick of it. Maybe it's the meds I'm on. Except they make me feel nice and calm. So not sick of that. I should talk to David about it). It's only in the talking phase at the moment, but one of these days, Orli and I are going to get a house of our very own built.

I cannot wait. New house. New life. New beginning for the both of us.

Oh. And this is my first public post since I decided to make my journal friends only. It's not as if I'm spilling state secrets in this thing. If anyone (Kevin, for example) wants to comment or hassle me or comment in their journal about things I write in mine, who cares? I'm not scared of him anymore. I'm conflicted and wondering what I could have done differently, but I'm not scared. Anyway, huge kudos to my shrink for pointing out the fact that, while crazies may lurk and spy, they can only harm me if I let them. He also explained that my paranoia is perfectly reasonable since my life went from quiet and private to...not so much...in such a short period of time. Makes sense, right? I feel good. He talked me down. And it only took him a month to convince me that I can stop looking over my shoulder all the time (online)! I'm an open book. Always have been. I never wanted that to change. Thanks to the miracle of pharmaceuticals, it doesn't have to.
porter_inc: (serious)
Will had given himself a couple of days to think about Kevin's latest email before answering it. Hearing from his ex was less of a surprise, this time, but it was harder to deal with what had been said. Will didn't want to hear about Kevin being attacked or know that his sister missed him. Still, he couldn't just ignore him or let this go.

To: 1017071@sccc.doc.wa.gov
From: will_porter@livejournal.com

Subject: Don't thank me

Kevin

I'd intended to sit down and write out a rational reply. But reading your email several times has left me feeling less than fucking rational.

Where the hell do you get off? Do you think I'm stupid enough to buy the wounded bullshit and your not so subtle ploy for sympathy? You forget, sweetheart, I know you. I may have been too much of a wuss to tell you what I thought before, but not anymore. Being with Orlando has changed me and made me stronger. I'm no longer going to take anyone's bullshit then line up and ask for more. I'm done with letting people walk all over me.

What do you want me to say? I'm sorry you were hurt? Like hell I'll ever be sorry about something like that. You deserve everything you get. I don't think you can ever understand what you put me through. I loved you, I trusted you, and I put up with an amazing amount of your shit until I just couldn't do it anymore. What did wanting to be free of you get me? You were going to kill me, Kevin, or have you forgotten that in the rush of all your newfound understanding? You held a gun to my head, you asshole, and I know damn well you would have killed us both if not for Orlando and Logan. You held me against my will, you beat me and you sexually assaulted me. I don't believe for one second that you're remorseful. Do you know why? People like you have no fucking conscience, so how the hell can you be sorry for anything you do to anyone?

But I don't hate you, Kevin. I pity you. And, believe it or not, I really am trying to work up the strength to forgive you. I refuse to let what you did turn me into a victim. I'm living my life and you will not have any kind of hold over me.

Don't mention your sister to me again. She's lucky to be free of you and is blessed to be unaware of the sack of shit she has for a brother.

Will

P.S. If you want another picture of me, pick up a tabloid. There should be one of me and Orli in there somewhere. Enjoy.
porter_inc: (shadow)
ooc: I argued with pup and won on the point that since he can't "lock" this post from Kevin (i.e. it's not his private thoughts), it can be public. Go me!

His first night in Los Angeles almost over, Will decides to give his email a quick check and make a post before heading to bed. The email from Kevin is unexpected, but instead of deleting it unread, morbid curiosity (and probably some inebriation) makes Will open it.

He reads it four times, gets a drink, then reads it again, not quite sure what he's feeling. David, his therapist, has mentioned closure with regards to Kevin, making a reply the first step towards that. His own paranoia makes him want to turn off his computer and go to bed. His need to be a better person - the kind of forgiving person he sees whenever he looks at Orlando - doesn't see the harm in a response. He reads the message one more time, drains the scotch in his glass, and hits reply.


To: pnw_pd@livejournal.com
From: will_porter@livejournal.com

Subject: Re: Please read this

Kevin,

You're right about the following things:

Sorry is inadequate. I am happy. You're one reason I locked my journal.

Things you should know:

I thought I hated you, but I don't. I want to make myself forgive you, but I can't. I don't trust you. I'm afraid of you. I don't miss you but I do miss the man I loved thought you were. I'm getting married.

There's no need for you to know anything more than that.

Will

P.S. I'm drunk. I'll probaby regret sending this come morning.
porter_inc: (header crop)
ooc: posting late! ETA: My brain's been fried from NO friggin' sleep, and I should still be making OOC and RP posts public. It's only Will's journal entries/musings/memes (anything he'd be afraid for Kevin to see) that have to be locked in order to be true to his current situation. Got it? Good, because I don't know how to make it clearer. :-) This announcement will be on all the entries I'm unlocking so I don't get any "I thought his LJ was locked" griping.



Will doublechecks that he has everything he needs for the airport. "You ready, baby?" he calls into the kitchen.

OOC

Jan. 21st, 2007 03:44 am
porter_inc: (ooc2)
ETA: My brain's been fried from NO friggin' sleep, and I should still be making OOC and RP posts public. It's only Will's journal entries/musings/memes (anything he'd be afraid for Kevin to see) that have to be locked in order to be true to his current situation. Got it? Good, because I don't know how to make it clearer. :-) This announcement will be on all the entries I'm unlocking so I don't get any "I thought his LJ was locked" griping.

The chance for you to boss me around, puddin' pops!

http://juleskicks.livejournal.com/933915.html?thread=4919323#t4919323
porter_inc: (ooc2)
(from my mun journal, slightly edited)

If anyone's wondering why Will flocked his LJ, it's because he's feeling a bit paranoid about Kevin. (Oops, I need to have him unfriend Kev!) I'm going to sort out some details later. But I never thought twice about his flist being part of his "reality" until another mun had her pup mention the fact that Will had unfriended him when I'm the one who was messing around with Will's flist. *g* Instead of breaking the fourth wall and telling the mun that the friending stuff had nothing to do with her pup, I just had Will go along with it (which has turned out really well). And now flocking his journal is just another part of making him a real person since his journal is real in every other way for him, and who hasn't flocked their jounal at one time or another? Uh, if that makes sense... Well, I know what I mean, anyway.

Let me add: It may sound weird, but some of you will understand when I say that Will's a real person. He's got his moods and his annoyances and his LJ is just as personal and important to him as mine is to me. I'm going to start taking it as a compliment if someone confuses his actions for mine because that means I'm making him a very real person who is realistically imperfect, stressed, etc.

Last thing - I find it really funny that there's a tendency to confuse a pup's actions with a mun's when something negative happens. No one's ever accused a mun of being nice, sweet, loving or patient because his or her pup is that way. Why the double standard? Hypothetical question, btw.

ETA: My brain's been fried from NO friggin' sleep, and I should still be making OOC and RP posts public. It's only Will's journal entries/musings/memes (anything he'd be afraid for Kevin to see) that have to be locked in order to be true to his current situation. Got it? Good, because I don't know how to make it clearer. :-) This announcement will be on all the entries I'm unlocking so I don't get any "I thought his LJ was locked" griping.

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