Day two.

Jan. 2nd, 2007 06:05 pm
porter_inc: (slight smile)
I really am going to try and write in this thing every day, this year. I did it for a little while, but then fizzled out. It helped that I was going into the office. I would sit down with my cappuccino and write up a little entry. That's why I always used that coffee icon, in case anyone was wondering. But this year I'm dumping that and just writing whatever, whenever. Er, every day. Damn it, I almost forgot.

Oh, I learned a new Spanish phrase, courtesy of Snake!

Que carajo quieres comemierda?

I'm almost all moved in, by the way! Just a few odds and ends still at Mom's.

[locked]

Sometimes I wish I didn't read my flist.

[/locked]

------

For Orlando:

I love your honesty.

Okay

Dec. 30th, 2006 01:44 am
porter_inc: (side)
Something's really bothering me.

[locked] )

I think I'm coming down with a cold. Just in time for New Year's Eve. Go me.
porter_inc: (cappucino heart)
After this.

[locked]

I'm on Pete's computer. I'm a littel drunk so I'll be sleepingin the guest room.

bUt I'm okay! I mean it's going to be okay.

All systms are go for Operation Suppport Orlando. Helove s me and I will not doutb that!! I'll do iverything I can to help him love himselg too .

Pete's gonna be my best man.

Im' sleeepy.

I can't waitt o talk to Orli tomorrow!!!!

Thinking

Dec. 28th, 2006 10:39 pm
porter_inc: (scotch)
[locked]

Orli's agreed to see someone. I'm going to call Janice tonight and leave a message for her. I don't know if I can make an appointment on Orli's behalf, but at least this'll get the ball rolling. I just hope he doesn't change his mind. And it shouldn't be a problem for her to see him since I'm no longer her patient.

I'm worried about him. He's so down on himself, punishing himself for things he's done in the past. I know he's happy with me when he lets himself be, but I'm obviously not enough.

I really hate the people who're making him feel this way. He says it's all him, but I don't know if I believe that.

I'm going to get a drink and then call Peter after I call Janice. I really feel like this is my fault because I proposed. I'm such an idiot. We were so happy and then I had to ruin it. Maybe I should take the ring back and tell him I didn't mean to pressure him and he doesn't have to say yes just because I asked. I'd understand. Both of our marriages were farces underneath it all, so it would make sense to be leery. I just... It felt so right. He looked so happy when I asked him. And when we made love, it was perfect. I'd never felt that connected to him. I thought... I never thought it would end up making him feel like this.

I'm so selfish. I thought he'd want this. Instead, he's preparing me for the day he walks out and leaves me because his ex lovers make him feel guilty for the way things ended with them.

Maybe I shouldn't move to New York just yet. What if I make things worse by being around all the time?

News

Dec. 28th, 2006 02:09 am
porter_inc: (cappucino heart)
Today I called the lesbians and told them that I'll be happy to knock one of them up. I had discussed it with Orli first because... Just because. And he's all right with it, bless him. Ann told me she's going to ask Mom if she would mind being there as a "grandmother" since her parents are deceased and Helene's folks have disowned her. I told her that she needs to expect a high pitched squeal when she does ask Mom to do that. Of course, Mom won't have any legal rights to the bundle and neither will I, so I'm a little worried about Mom getting hurt. Then again, my mother's a lot more resilient than I've ever given her credit for - just look at the circumstances with Evie and her brother. Anyway, I'll be signing all the necessary paperwork for the lesbians when it's time. Right now, they're looking at late January/early February for the launch date. I offered to do it the natural way and Ann very sweetly told me to "shut the fuck up, pervert!" Nice mouth you got there, Mama. :-) Oh, there will have to be sacrifices, though. When it's time for the harvesting, I won't be able to have sex or diddle lest I send my soldiers swirling down the shower drain or shooting down Orli's throat when either Ann or Helene will need them. It's all very strange and they've recommended the four of us do some counseling to ensure that all parties are fine, etc. Can't hurt, right? I want to make sure that Orli's okay through every step of this.

[locked] )

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