porter_inc: (slight smile)
Here, in no particular order, is a list of the best parties I've ever attended:

- Orlando's 30th birthday (can I list this if I helped organize it? Who cares, it's probably the best party I've been to.)

- A frat party my freshman year (the name of the frat escapes me) where I received my first... Where I was pleasured orally for the first time. Funny how something that's over so quickly can leave such a lasting impression. I remember nothing else about that girl but bubblegum pink lipstick.

- My 14th birthday. Dad was out of town and Mom let me have Pete over to spend the night. All we did was listen to music, watch TV (Mom rented us a VCR and some movies) and eat a lot of junk food, but it was awesome. It might not technically count as a party since it was only my best friend, me and Mom, but it was definitely one of my better birthday celebrations.

And now for the worst:

- My wedding reception. I don't have enough time to list the reasons why this rates as one of the worst, but I'm sure you can figure them out.

- Every Christmas party I ever had to attend for work. As much fun as it sounds to be trapped under the mistletoe by drunken female colleagues or the drunken wives of colleagues, it was mainly awkward and did nothing to raise my level of Christmas cheer.

- Every fundraiser/benefit/begging for dollars type thing I attended as a representative of Hamilton-Fairhaven.

- Another frat party later in my freshman year where my shoes were mistaken for a toilet and some poor girl yakked all over them.
porter_inc: (scruffy)
I'm disappointed that things didn't work out with me and Peter. Before I say anything else, let me qualify that by saying that I couldn't be happier with my life, now. But every now and then I think about Pete and feel a little wistful.

I suppose the main reason I'm disappointed that I'm not going to be Mr. Peter Cavanaugh, one day, is because it felt as if we were destined to be together. Look at our relationship. It's got all the elements of a happy ever after.

We met when we were 11 years old and were both sent to the principal's office. An instant friendship was formed and we became inseparable. Over the years, the friendship grew even stronger. We supported each other through everything. He became the most important figure in my life besides my mother and was the only one who knew how to make me feel better about anything. We loved each other in that way that close friends do.

Peter made no secret of the fact that he's gay. In high school, he didn't date anyone, and while he never came right out and said that he was interested in guys, somehow I just knew. There were a couple of drunken incidents between us, things I denied for my own reasons, but he never let that affect our friendship. Rather, he never let my rejection of them, or him, really, affect things between us.

The drama came during college. When Peter found out I was getting married, he confronted me about denying my own sexuality and tried to convince me not to go through with the wedding. He kissed me, and it was my reaction to it that made me realize I needed to shut him out of my life. I couldn't be with him. I had to marry the woman carrying my baby and prove to my father that I wasn't what he thought I was, end of story. I kept track of Pete through my mom because she wasn't willing to cut him out of her life just because I was angry with him. But, really, I was never angry with him.

When I received word that Peter's lover of seven years had been killed, I couldn't ignore that. The news had shocked me into action, reminding me that life was too short to hold onto grudges that shouldn't have existed in the first place. That's why I went to the funeral to see him.

We talked. A lot. We caught up on each other's lives and cleared the air about what had happened. He met Talia, he came over to spend time with us, we took the dogs for their run together. Just when it looked as if I had my best friend back, he told me that he could see how unhappy I was and he couldn't stand it. And when he kissed me, I didn't push him away.

Our affair was one of the most incredible, exciting, satisfying things I've ever experienced. I'm the one who insisted on keeping it a secret instead of being honest with Talia. It was unfair to both her and Peter, but I couldn't bear the thought of a divorce. He didn't fight me on it. I think he was still dealing with the grief over losing Kory, so we were both getting what we needed and wanted from the relationship.

Then Talia caught us. The shame and guilt I felt would have been unbearable if not for Peter. Same thing for the divorce. He stood by my side, unwavering, loving me throughout all of it and when we were finally free to be together... It didn't happen.

The both of us tried, we really did. But I told him that I didn't want to lose him as my friend if we ever broke up. He told me that we'd never break up so it was a moot point, but I didn't have his faith in my ability to settle down with him. We ended things and agreed to be the best of friends. In fact, we'd made a promise to one another that we'd always be first in each other's lives no matter what other relationships we had. That included a physical relationship. I abided by that, too, until Orlando.

But after all those years and all that drama, when everything should have had a happy ending and Peter and I should have ended up living happily ever after, I ended things for fear of getting my heart broken. It seems kind of silly now.

Musings

Jan. 12th, 2007 01:25 am
porter_inc: (serious)
I'm a pretty easy going guy, for the most part. Well, except for this jealousy stuff, but I'm actually learning to deal with that! I don't want to turn into some psycho who refuses to let my sweetie have fun just because I'm insecure, you know? I had enough of that with Kevin. So better to nip it on the bud now before it gets embarrassing and one day I come across like a raving lunatic.

But all of this new madness aside, I am easy going. I get mad when people attack the people I love, but I think that's just a human reaction. When I'm attacked, though, I generally curl up into a ball and apologize until it's over and the other person is satisfied. It's a pretty good defense and one I've had since I can remember. But when someone I consider to be a friend hurts me, I don't really have a defense for that. I'm a sap because I still want to try and make things right with them even if they shut me out. And even when they stop talking to me, I live in the vain hope that they'll get over whatever it is they're upset about and one day be my friend again. No matter how angry and hurt Pete and I might get with one another, I'll still do anything for him. I really need to learn how to cut my losses, though. Especially since I know that if they were ever in trouble, I'd help them in any way I could, but I couldn't really say the same for them. I know that the word "friend" doesn't have the same meaning for some that it does for me. I really am a sucker sometimes. Mom says I'm kind, I just think I'm a patsy who takes people at face value and who tends to trust people far too quickly. Sometimes easy going can lead to someone being a doormat.

Okay, I need to stop this. Thinking about the divorce has stirred up a lot of crap in my head and it's making me relive some really shitty moments in my life. It's over and done. The people I thought were my friends picked a side and it wasn't mine. I have to move on and stop thinking I can ever be close to them again. Divorce sucks. Ex wives suck. Lawyers suck. Ex wives who marry lawyers suck. Friends who pick the ex over me suck. There. I think that may have helped. (Orli, is there some kind of mediation thing I can do to forgive all the crap?)

On a lighter note, I woke Orli up this morning by giving him a zerbert on his tummy. I couldn't resist.

Bad son

Jan. 3rd, 2007 06:32 pm
porter_inc: (thinking)
I called Mom to check and see how she was doing, and she started crying. She'd gotten so used to having me and the puppies in the house, now it feels really lonely without us. I think I'll buy her a couple of pups of her own. I feel so bad. I called Peter and told him to go have dinner with her tonight. This weekend, I'll go up to Hartford to get the rest of my stuff and spend some time with her. And remind her that once the baby comes, she'll forget all about me! I know she really won't, but she'll at least forget to be so lonely.

------
My Orli thought of the day (in haiku form):

Little tea drinker
So careful when you prepare
You make it the best

(Told you I'd subject you to my haikus one day!!)

Flotsam

Dec. 30th, 2006 12:59 pm
porter_inc: (Default)
Janice called back. It's up to him to call her after the new year. She was happy to hear from me and asked how I was doing. I froze. Conditioning! But I said fine and asked for a referral for myself.

I have a sinus thing but it's not a cold. No fever. Just sniffles and congestion. Nonetheless, Mom's drowning me in chicken soup. And hot toddies. I keep passing out. Now, I just pour them down the drain before I get alcohol poisoning.

Peter broke up with the boytoy because he was too immature. Pot. Kettle. Black. Kidding. It sounds like they wanted different things from life. The boytoy wanted to go out every night, get drunk, do drugs, be an all around hot little party monster. And Peter's 34. Heh. I should remember that for the next time I talk to him.

Talia called to tell me lawyer man broke the lamp I gave her for a wedding gift and asked for the name of the store where I bought it. Bastard probably did it on purpose because he hates Tiffany lamps. She heard about Lesbian Knock Up 2007 and congratulated me on my impending fatherhood. Then she went into a long, sad discussion about the baby we lost and how he or she would have turned thirteen this year, she and I would probably still be happily married and I wouldn't have felt the need to "become involved in that gay nonsense" since I would have had fatherly responsibilities. I honestly didn't know where to start telling her what was wrong with pretty much everything that she said beginning with the lesbians. She did get the age of the kid right, though. God, me with a teenager? Jesus wept.

Ann and Helene came by. They've decided that Ann will carry the bambino. Good choice. She's prettier, more intelligent, athletic, great sense of humor, no visible deformities and I would actually have sex with her if they wanted to do it that way. Okay, that last part's a lie, but the rest is true. I love Helene, and it's not as if she could pass for the Creature from the Black Lagoon or anything. Ann's just got more of everything. It's kind of like me and Orli. On my own, I'm not bad. But Orli's got more of everything. Anyway, Operation Babymaker looks like it's really going to happen this time. And I've decided not to have anything to do with the offspring other than them sending me pictures so I have proof it didn't turn out looking like an ape. It's not going to be my child and if they want to have a father figure in its life, they can sure as hell do better than me. And if anything happens to this one, too, I don't want to be able to care so much. Mom's ready to play Grandma, though, and scolded me quite handily when I reminded her that it wouldn't really be her grandchild after the papers are all signed. She said, and I quote, "William, I would be a grandmother to that baby if Mickey Mouse was the father. These girls are my friends and have asked me to be involved, and I will be for as long as they need me." Then I made a comment about the set of ears that kid would have if Mickey was the dad, not to mention being born with big, puffy, white glove-clad hands. She kicked me out of the kitchen and finished her tea with the ladies. Ann and Helene were laughing, though. See? Lesbians aren't all granola-crunching, Birkenstock-wearing, "global-warming-is-real"-gabbing, "I-lost-my-sense-of-humor-the-first-time-a -girl-went-down-on-me"-doing, man-hating, feminazis. In fact, I would be willing to bet that most of them are like Ann and Helene. And, as with any group, the extremists get all the press.

Evie called just to say hi. She's so sweet. I mean, even if she wasn't my sister (allegedly - DNA test next month), I would really like her. Get this: she says stuff the way I do. I know it's the other way around and is due to Dad, but every now and then she sounds like me. Is that freaky or what? And kind of cool. From the sounds of things, her brother - our brother - is just like Dad. Poor bastard. But she told me all about her latest casting project and how much trouble they're having finding someone to play the lead. I told her I'd do it as a favor but she had to promise not to want to cast me in everything after that because I just wouldn't have the time and would hate to feel obligated. Then I told her about my engagement, she screamed and congratulated me. I love this girl already.

Wendell and Blade are in love. Er, I mean, they're just "really good friends" who never leave each other's side, snuggle at night and do the same cute little doggie moves that make Mom want to deck them out in horrendous doggie sweaters. Poor babies. If I see them donning spandex and going for bike rides, I'm going to nickname them "Gyllenstrong."

The new year is almost here and the possibilities are endless. Please, God, don't let Orli break up with me.

Okay

Dec. 30th, 2006 01:44 am
porter_inc: (side)
Something's really bothering me.

[locked] )

I think I'm coming down with a cold. Just in time for New Year's Eve. Go me.

PSA

Dec. 29th, 2006 02:08 pm
porter_inc: (Default)
Do not get drunk and post in your journal. When you read it the next day, you wonder what the hell you were thinking. But at least I locked it. I'm embarrassed reading it and that's with knowing no one else can see it! What's most surprising? I actually still made sense. Go fig.

I spent the night at Pete's because we got drunk while we talked some things out. This morning, he made me breakfast, then sent me on my way. We're good.

I've got to finish packing up my stuff! And I have to prepare Mom for the moment I rip her grandpuppies away from her.

[locked to Orlando]

Are you sure you want me to move in with you? I have a lot of annoying habits I won't be able to hide anymore.
porter_inc: (cappucino heart)
After this.

[locked]

I'm on Pete's computer. I'm a littel drunk so I'll be sleepingin the guest room.

bUt I'm okay! I mean it's going to be okay.

All systms are go for Operation Suppport Orlando. Helove s me and I will not doutb that!! I'll do iverything I can to help him love himselg too .

Pete's gonna be my best man.

Im' sleeepy.

I can't waitt o talk to Orli tomorrow!!!!

Thinking

Dec. 28th, 2006 10:39 pm
porter_inc: (scotch)
[locked]

Orli's agreed to see someone. I'm going to call Janice tonight and leave a message for her. I don't know if I can make an appointment on Orli's behalf, but at least this'll get the ball rolling. I just hope he doesn't change his mind. And it shouldn't be a problem for her to see him since I'm no longer her patient.

I'm worried about him. He's so down on himself, punishing himself for things he's done in the past. I know he's happy with me when he lets himself be, but I'm obviously not enough.

I really hate the people who're making him feel this way. He says it's all him, but I don't know if I believe that.

I'm going to get a drink and then call Peter after I call Janice. I really feel like this is my fault because I proposed. I'm such an idiot. We were so happy and then I had to ruin it. Maybe I should take the ring back and tell him I didn't mean to pressure him and he doesn't have to say yes just because I asked. I'd understand. Both of our marriages were farces underneath it all, so it would make sense to be leery. I just... It felt so right. He looked so happy when I asked him. And when we made love, it was perfect. I'd never felt that connected to him. I thought... I never thought it would end up making him feel like this.

I'm so selfish. I thought he'd want this. Instead, he's preparing me for the day he walks out and leaves me because his ex lovers make him feel guilty for the way things ended with them.

Maybe I shouldn't move to New York just yet. What if I make things worse by being around all the time?
porter_inc: (phone)
Will had told himself he wouldn't let what Peter had said bother him, and because he wanted to enjoy the first official day of his engagement to his sweetheart, he managed to succeed for a while. It wasn't until he decided to take a few minutes to call his mom and wish her a Merry Christmas that he thought about talking to Peter, too. Pete would be over at Inez's, along with the lesbians and his mother's gentleman friend, and he knew that his mom would put Peter on the phone.

Sure enough, after he had told her everything about the previous evening (almost everything) and listened to her gush for a while about wanting to tell all her friends the good news, she told him to hold on while she hunted down Peter. Will didn't have a choice, really. He didn't want his mom to know that anything was wrong.

"Hi, Will. Merry Christmas." Pete sounded contrite. Good, Will thought.

"Thanks, Pete. Merry Christmas to you, too." Will cleared his throat. "I just called to talk to Mom and I didn't want to tell her not to bother you. You know she worries when she thinks we're fighting."

"Will, I'm sorry. I'm a jerk. I didn't mean to dump all over you like that." Peter sighed, and Will could imagine him rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. He always did that when he was nervous or upset.

"You mean there was another way you wanted to dump on me?" Will smiled, not sure why he was kidding around. His feelings had really been hurt, but he didn't want to hold onto anything that could ruin this day.

"I'm serious, Will," Peter continued. "Listen, let me take you out to dinner when you get back."

"Okay, I'll ask Orli if he--"

"Just you," Peter said, cutting him off. "I owe you an apology and we need to talk some things out."

Will almost said that he was tired of talking things out with Pete, but he kept that to himself. "Peter, anything you have to say to me, especially about this, you can say in front of Orli."

"No, I can't, Will. Please?"

"Fine," Will sighed, relenting. "But, please, stop insulting me, okay? Every time you take a cheap shot it makes me question our friendship."

"Will!" Peter sounded so shocked, it actually startled Will. "That's the one thing you're not supposed to ever question. Remember? We always said that no matter what happened or who came into our lives, we were going to love each other the best and the most."

Will pressed his lips together and rubbed his eyes, suddenly tired. Of course he remembered that. He'd even told Kevin that when they'd started getting serious, forcing him to accept that Peter would come first. But that was when he'd assumed that no one could ever make him love them more than Peter. That had completely changed now and it made him sad that his friend wouldn't accept it. He knew he'd already told Peter that couldn't be true anymore, but he didn't want to rehash that on the phone.

"Remember?" Peter repeated when Will didn't say anything.

"I remember," Will finally answered. "But, I need to go. I'll see you when I get back, all right?"

When Will closed his cell phone, he immediately went over to Orlando and hugged him tight. Being with him was the only thing that mattered right now.
porter_inc: (cappucino)
My best friend is 34 today. Instead of the fruit of the month club idea I'd had for a present, I ended up giving him a monogrammed briefcase. He'd mentioning needing a new one a while back. I figure it's personal but not personal. I was going to take him out for dinner, but he's got plans with the guy he's been seeing. He hasn't let me meet him yet but apparently they're getting serious and Pete really likes him. I'm glad. And relieved. Mom said that she's met the guy, but it was an accident. She ran into the two of them at the market. He's got dark hair and blue eyes and Mom seems to think that means Pete's dating someone who looks like me. Bless her, but I'm sure she's overstating it.

I'm just happy that he's moving on instead of making me feel guilty for not loving him that way anymore. I didn't mean to hurt him. I just fell in love with someone who's filled my heart completely.

Less than two weeks until Christmas! I've given out some presents already, but I have to get the others delivered before it's too late. I love this time of year. I may even go to midnight mass on Christmas Eve. I wonder if Orli would want to go with me. We could come home and open presents afterwards.

I'm really, really, really happy.

That is all.
porter_inc: (cappucino)
I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I broke down and told Mom about the woman who wrote me claiming to be the product of Tobias's first marriage. I showed her the letter, then she went into her room and hasn't come out since. The door's locked and when I knock on it, she just tells me she needs a moment alone.

I called Ann and Helene to come over, but they were both busy. I was going to call some of her other friends, but I don't know if they know about Dad's first marriage. So, I called Pete. He's on his way.

Update: She let Pete in there to talk to her, but he locked the door behind him. At least I know she'll be okay if he's in there with her, but what kind of damage have I done?
porter_inc: (cappucino heart)
[locked]

And my baby's with me!

I can't believe it hasn't been all that long since we first hooked up, but on the other hand, I feel so comfortable and loved by him, time doesn't seem to have any meaning. Time really is relative, isn't it? I've always had this feeling that I'm not going to live a very long life no matter how much I would like to. I don't know why that is, but I just want to do everything now before it's too late. Or maybe that fear is just some adolescent holdover and I've mistaken it for a genuine concern. The truth could be that I didn't really start living my life until last year. I've got so much to make up for, and I don't want to make any of the mistakes I did before. I stayed married to Talia for 12 years when I should have been living my own life. My real life. After seven years we should have divorced, but I held on out of habit more than anything. I didn't want to be alone, so I let myself stay in what had basically deteriorated to a loveless marriage. On my end, anyway. I think Talia still loved me in her way. I never let on, I performed all my husbandly duties, and I couldn't admit to myself just how miserable I was. Then Peter came back into my life and the rest is history.

New Year's day is going to be four months. One third of one year. By my birthday, it'll be six months. Or...

I don't want to wait. I know I should, but I don't want to. Of course, it's all going to depend on Orli.

Life's so short. I'm never going to have enough time with him. I just want him to know how serious I am about this.
porter_inc: (cappucino)
This is mainly going to be me listing out random things and commenting on them. Feel free to skip over it all because, like most of my ramblings, it's not really all that interesting. I just have to get it all out of my head so I can get some sleep.

1. Okay, I want to make this clear: Orlando and I are not living together. I'm living at home in Hartford. Orli's living in his home in New York. We basically commute to see one another, and I think the longest I've ever stayed over is a long weekend. I spend a lot of my time trying to keep myself busy during the week because I miss him a lot, but there is no cohabitation going on. He's still technically married. No, I don't see it as hypocritical that we're in love and having sex. Making the decision to live together is a completely different thing.

2. Orli told me the divorce will probably be final before Christmas. I'm sorry for the way things had to happen. I know how hard divorce is on both parties. The thing that breaks my heart the most is knowing he's lost his friend. Still, I believe in miracles. Talia no longer wants to stab my eyes out when she sees me, and what I did to her was a hell of a lot worse than what happened with Orli. Maybe after Cordy spends a ton more money, she'll come around. Is that bitchy of me to say? Ah, I'll let it stand. I'm tired.

3. Mom's birthday is tomorrow. I'm going to surprise her by making breakfast for her, then I'll be taking her out for a day in the city. The highlight of the day will be taking her to see The Nutcracker. She seems to think that the car was going to take care of her birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day presents for the rest of her life. Um, no.

4. Ann and Helene have worked out their problems and are finally ready to get pregnant. They asked me, again, to consider being the donor. I just don't know... Things are so much more complicated now than they were the first time they asked me.

5. I got a letter from a woman today who claims to be my sister. I didn't show it to Mom because she doesn't really like to talk too much about Dad's other family. Well, she doesn't really know that much about it. Or so she says. Anyway, I'm taking it with a grain of salt. I've also gotten marriage proposals (from men and women), naked pictures, recipes(!), nice letters, and a few religious tracts.

6. Peter's seeing someone. It's really, really, really weird. I'm happy for him, but I can't believe he's actually seeing someone who's not me. That's a lot more egotistical than I mean for it to sound. After Kory died, I was the only one Peter wanted to be with and he swore that he couldn't ever be happy with anyone else. I told him that wasn't true but he was so sure that he could never meet anyone he'd want. And now he has. I think it's great! But weird. I just hope it helps him ease up on me.

7. I got a postcard from Talia! She and lawyer man are honeymooning in Jamaica. It looks gorgeous and she sounds really happy. I'm glad she got the chance to have a real honeymoon with a real husband. I know he'll treat her well.

8. Jesus, I'm freezing. I really don't want to put on the flannel pajamas but I might have to. If my sweetie was here we could do that naked body heat thing.

9. Someone please explain why Paris Hilton is famous. And why Britney Spears thinks it's a good idea to be her new BFF.

10. Cocoa makes me happy.
porter_inc: (Default)
I feel like I'm about to write a report for the third grade, but before the day gets too hectic, I wanted to sit down and think about everything for which I am grateful. I think I'm like most people in that I don't really "celebrate" the first Thanksgiving (there's just way too much baggage attached to the history of it), but, rather, I take this day to reflect on the blessings in my life. I really am thankful for everything every single day that I wake up, but I don't think I express it enough. So, here I am, being official.

First and foremost, I am thankful and grateful for the man I love. Ever since Orlando entered my life, I've felt incredibly blessed and happier than I ever thought possible. He's made me discover a part of myself that I never thought existed. In past relationships, I've recognized the selfishness inside me that never really allowed me to put anyone else completely ahead of myself. In fact, I'm still that way to a certain extent with my friends. But Orlando is the first person I can honestly say I would do absolutely anything for without hesitation. Because of him I finally understand what it really means to love someone selflessly and to be loved in return. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I hope that this is the first of many, many Thanksgivings that we will spend together.

I'm thankful that my mom is healthy and still as vibrant as I ever remember her being. She's so happy, so supportive and such a source of strength for me when I need her. The two of us have been through a lot together and I don't know what I'd do without her in my corner. If I had become a father, I would have wanted to be the kind of parent to my child that Mom is to me. She's very special and I don't feel I let her know nearly enough. I'm also grateful that she adores Orli (she tells her friends that he's an ideal son-in-law) and is so accepting of my life. I know how very, very lucky I am that she doesn't share the views my father had of me. Speaking of, I'm still thankful the bastard's dead. I bet the turkey in Hell is really dry.

I'm grateful for Peter. He's been my best friend for 22 years - though we were estranged for over a decade when I married Talia. But the day I went to him after all that time, he took me back as if no time had passed. He helped me to come out, he was there for me when I was at my lowest point, and I can never forget that. I know that he thinks I don't have room for him in my life, anymore, but that's only his perception because, for the first time ever, there is another man who's first in my heart. I will always need Pete in my life and I hope he can realize that one day.

I am very thankful for all of my friends. I do have to single out Logan for his unwavering support during my confrontation with Kevin because that was literally a life or death situation. If not for him and Orli, I would be dead and unable to be babbling right now, so... Yeah. Wes, Snake, Iris, Mac, Ray, Ynez... I really want to list out absolutely everyone, but I'll accidentally leave off someone's name and feelings would get hurt, so I'll just say that you know if you're my friend. And if you are my friend, I would like to get mushy for a second and say thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you for the humor, the conversation, the support and the understanding. I love you guys.

I'm thankful for my health, my wealth and the life I have. I'm grateful for all of the opportunities I have, the ones I'll make, and the fact that I can look around every day and appreciate what I do have instead of lamenting what I don't.

Oh, and I'm still really grateful that I don't have to pay alimony anymore.

Happy Thanksgiving to those of you who celebrate. For those of you who don't, Happy Thursday. Much love.
porter_inc: (cappucino heart)
Talia's wedding is next Saturday. I've got my suit ready, I've got the lamp for their gift, and I went ahead and bought a silver punch bowl set that was on their gift registry since the lamp is mainly for Talia. I guess the bowl will be mainly for her, too, but the wedding gifts we got were all pretty much for her, anyway. Man, guys really get ripped off on their wedding days, don't they?

I can't believe she's getting married! My glee has shifted from being about the financial break I'll get to being about feeling genuine happiness for her. She's so much sweeter now that she's not wishing for my painful death and destruction. I was talking to her today about seeing some of the friends I lost in the divorce. I understood them siding with Talia, but they were very vocal in their dislike of me after I left her - actively vocal as in calling me at Peter's and barraging me with insults and curses for hurting their friend. (I think that's why I'm so touchy about the way Orli's treated during this whole thing with Cordelia. Being the guilty party shouldn't automatically make you the target of outsiders. What I did to Talia was probably more intimate than anything that had happened before in our marriage. It was the first time she'd ever thought she couldn't trust me. It was our business to scream at each other and no one else had a right to chastise me. I never made any vows to them. Opinions are like assholes, I know, everyone has one. But, for something this personal, they should also be kept under wraps unless you're with someone with whom it's appropriate to share them. *g*) Anyway, I have a feeling I'll be holding onto Orli's hand for dear life if they approach me to talk. The first dirty look they cast my way, though, my tongue's going in Orlando's mouth so I don't say anything to start a fight.

Mom's birthday is on the 29th. She's going to be 56! Oops, she might kill me for revealing her age, so it's a good thing she doesn't have the first clue about my journal. Anyway, I'm torn between taking her out for an expensive dinner with me, Orli and Pete (and whatever pretty boy he decides to bring along. I think he's dating, but he won't tell me one way or the other) or throwing a party so her friends can come. I'm not sure if I could handle being around all those older ladies pinching my cheeks and sending me hurtling back to age five. I'll talk to the lesbians. Maybe they can help me organize an all girls birthday party for Mom and I can still take her out to dinner. I guess we could invite Mom's male friend (she stopped seeing that guy in Seattle). I have not met this guy, but if he kisses my mom in front of me, I'll punch him. I had thought about doing something during Thanksgiving, but I hate doing the combo holiday/birthday thing just because the dates are close. Pete's birthday is coming up on December 12. I get to tease him about being older than me for three months!!!! I love that. I asked him what he wants for his birthday but since I won't "make love on the white sands of a Jamaican beach" with him, I'm going to enroll him in the fruit of the month club. I know it sounds cheesy, but he's a healthy guy, he likes that kind of thing and every month he'll think of me when he gets a bunch of fruit delivered to his door. Plus, I'm really uncomfortable with giving him anything close to what I've given him in the past. Way too intimate.

Oh, and for my awesome news...

I've got a job. A magazine liked my writing sample and they're interested in the idea of Orli and me doing a series of articles for them. I didn't mention Orli by name because I wanted to be hired on my own merits, but they like the whole "gay couple travels the world and reports back" thing. They're just starting out, they're small, and we'll basically be doing this freelance, getting paid by the article. But it's not the money that ever concerned me. It's doing something. And now I get to do it with my partner. How cool is that???
porter_inc: (cappucino heart)
Jon Stewart is so cute! Just a random note because I'm watching the Daily Show and I think he's adorable. And, you know, Stephen Colbert cracks me up and is kind of sexy... Sure, maybe I need to get my news from a source other than Comedy Central, but there aren't any other anchors who're that kind of eye candy.

Ann came over for a visit today without Helene. We had tea and chatted about a few things that are on her mind. Luckily, she left before I grew breasts and my dick dropped off. Actually, she's having some trouble with H and I feel bad for her. I promised not to say anything to anyone (and it doesn't matter that anyone who'd see this doesn't know them) so I won't go into detail here, but after ten years together, maybe A needs to have fewer expectations. Not that I'm taking H's side or anything, but really, doesn't there come a point in a relationship when you have to accept the bad about someone as well as the good not only because you love them but because you'd like them to do the same for you? Sometimes it seems as if people think they're perfect and rush to pick out faults in others without looking at the faults within themselves. Hmm, I wonder if I should list out my faults and give them to Orli, just to give him a heads up.

Mom bought Blade and Wendell some sweaters (for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and a generic winter one). They are so cute, but I'm really worried that she's going to have a hard time when I move out and take them with me. And I don't think I can take Jake and Lani from Pete. I went to visit them this morning and they were so happy to see me. But I can tell that they're very attached to Peter, and vice versa. I'm so sad. But so grateful to him for taking care of them. But they're my babies. Or they were... I guess I don't need four dogs, right? And I couldn't move with all four of my babies. Okay, there's time to think about this.

I got a letter from Kevin. I threw it out.

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