Whoa

Mar. 2nd, 2007 04:10 am
porter_inc: (omg dude)
Talia's pregnant according to my mother. Ex wifey called her to share the news so she could let me know. She and lawyer man are breeding. That's... That baby's going to be born with horns and a tail, I know it.

I'd actually wish them well if I hadn't found out Talia spilled the details of our marriage to some rag. All that goodwill I'd worked so very hard to feel towards her went away just like that.

The one thing I did right in our marriage was not get crazy and insist on having a kid with her after she "lost" the first one. I'd be tied to the witch forever.

My Ann and Helene's kid is going to be so much cuter than that spawn of evil.

Shit. I should take that back. I keep forgetting I'm trying to be a better person.

It's not the kid's fault it's going to be born to the icy bitch and the shyster them. I hope it's born healthy and grows up to be intelligent and well-liked, thus, guaranteeing it won't follow in its parents' footsteps. Poor kid.

WTF

Feb. 23rd, 2007 09:56 pm
porter_inc: (thinking)
Mom knows that I'm not a practicing Catholic. She knows that I only do the Big Masses when I'm in the mood and that's about it. So why would she scold me for not going to church on Wednesday (Ash Wednesday - which I actually forgot because the Catholic fucking church is not really on my mind much these days) and not giving up anything for Lent? Believe it or not, there's an answer.

She wants to make sure that God sees fit to make sure the baby's born healthy, and, since I'm the father, it's important for me to "be vigilant" while Ann's pregnant. (Maybe angry hordes are on the hunt for her and the bambino...?) I'm not sure if she knows that Ann's an agnostic.

I don't know when my mother turned into a religious freak and lost her grip on reality. You'd think that there would be warning signs or something. I didn't have the energy to tell her that if my being a good little boy is what would keep the baby safe, the poor kid wouldn't have a chance.

My mother is usually a very rational, grounded woman, so I know that all the excitement about Baby is making her a little loony. I'm thinking of humoring her and telling her that I'll give up scotch starting today. I won't, but I'll tell her I did.

Another day

Jan. 4th, 2007 07:00 am
porter_inc: (biting lip)
I'm thinking I should go to L.A. to do the DNA test in person and meet Evie while I'm there. Maybe the third week of January. This way I can be back in time for the lesbians if they're ready to make Junior. I've never been to Southern California, so it should be nice. And I'll be back before Orli can miss me.

---

What I love about him today?

Too much.

Flotsam

Dec. 30th, 2006 12:59 pm
porter_inc: (Default)
Janice called back. It's up to him to call her after the new year. She was happy to hear from me and asked how I was doing. I froze. Conditioning! But I said fine and asked for a referral for myself.

I have a sinus thing but it's not a cold. No fever. Just sniffles and congestion. Nonetheless, Mom's drowning me in chicken soup. And hot toddies. I keep passing out. Now, I just pour them down the drain before I get alcohol poisoning.

Peter broke up with the boytoy because he was too immature. Pot. Kettle. Black. Kidding. It sounds like they wanted different things from life. The boytoy wanted to go out every night, get drunk, do drugs, be an all around hot little party monster. And Peter's 34. Heh. I should remember that for the next time I talk to him.

Talia called to tell me lawyer man broke the lamp I gave her for a wedding gift and asked for the name of the store where I bought it. Bastard probably did it on purpose because he hates Tiffany lamps. She heard about Lesbian Knock Up 2007 and congratulated me on my impending fatherhood. Then she went into a long, sad discussion about the baby we lost and how he or she would have turned thirteen this year, she and I would probably still be happily married and I wouldn't have felt the need to "become involved in that gay nonsense" since I would have had fatherly responsibilities. I honestly didn't know where to start telling her what was wrong with pretty much everything that she said beginning with the lesbians. She did get the age of the kid right, though. God, me with a teenager? Jesus wept.

Ann and Helene came by. They've decided that Ann will carry the bambino. Good choice. She's prettier, more intelligent, athletic, great sense of humor, no visible deformities and I would actually have sex with her if they wanted to do it that way. Okay, that last part's a lie, but the rest is true. I love Helene, and it's not as if she could pass for the Creature from the Black Lagoon or anything. Ann's just got more of everything. It's kind of like me and Orli. On my own, I'm not bad. But Orli's got more of everything. Anyway, Operation Babymaker looks like it's really going to happen this time. And I've decided not to have anything to do with the offspring other than them sending me pictures so I have proof it didn't turn out looking like an ape. It's not going to be my child and if they want to have a father figure in its life, they can sure as hell do better than me. And if anything happens to this one, too, I don't want to be able to care so much. Mom's ready to play Grandma, though, and scolded me quite handily when I reminded her that it wouldn't really be her grandchild after the papers are all signed. She said, and I quote, "William, I would be a grandmother to that baby if Mickey Mouse was the father. These girls are my friends and have asked me to be involved, and I will be for as long as they need me." Then I made a comment about the set of ears that kid would have if Mickey was the dad, not to mention being born with big, puffy, white glove-clad hands. She kicked me out of the kitchen and finished her tea with the ladies. Ann and Helene were laughing, though. See? Lesbians aren't all granola-crunching, Birkenstock-wearing, "global-warming-is-real"-gabbing, "I-lost-my-sense-of-humor-the-first-time-a -girl-went-down-on-me"-doing, man-hating, feminazis. In fact, I would be willing to bet that most of them are like Ann and Helene. And, as with any group, the extremists get all the press.

Evie called just to say hi. She's so sweet. I mean, even if she wasn't my sister (allegedly - DNA test next month), I would really like her. Get this: she says stuff the way I do. I know it's the other way around and is due to Dad, but every now and then she sounds like me. Is that freaky or what? And kind of cool. From the sounds of things, her brother - our brother - is just like Dad. Poor bastard. But she told me all about her latest casting project and how much trouble they're having finding someone to play the lead. I told her I'd do it as a favor but she had to promise not to want to cast me in everything after that because I just wouldn't have the time and would hate to feel obligated. Then I told her about my engagement, she screamed and congratulated me. I love this girl already.

Wendell and Blade are in love. Er, I mean, they're just "really good friends" who never leave each other's side, snuggle at night and do the same cute little doggie moves that make Mom want to deck them out in horrendous doggie sweaters. Poor babies. If I see them donning spandex and going for bike rides, I'm going to nickname them "Gyllenstrong."

The new year is almost here and the possibilities are endless. Please, God, don't let Orli break up with me.

News

Dec. 28th, 2006 02:09 am
porter_inc: (cappucino heart)
Today I called the lesbians and told them that I'll be happy to knock one of them up. I had discussed it with Orli first because... Just because. And he's all right with it, bless him. Ann told me she's going to ask Mom if she would mind being there as a "grandmother" since her parents are deceased and Helene's folks have disowned her. I told her that she needs to expect a high pitched squeal when she does ask Mom to do that. Of course, Mom won't have any legal rights to the bundle and neither will I, so I'm a little worried about Mom getting hurt. Then again, my mother's a lot more resilient than I've ever given her credit for - just look at the circumstances with Evie and her brother. Anyway, I'll be signing all the necessary paperwork for the lesbians when it's time. Right now, they're looking at late January/early February for the launch date. I offered to do it the natural way and Ann very sweetly told me to "shut the fuck up, pervert!" Nice mouth you got there, Mama. :-) Oh, there will have to be sacrifices, though. When it's time for the harvesting, I won't be able to have sex or diddle lest I send my soldiers swirling down the shower drain or shooting down Orli's throat when either Ann or Helene will need them. It's all very strange and they've recommended the four of us do some counseling to ensure that all parties are fine, etc. Can't hurt, right? I want to make sure that Orli's okay through every step of this.

[locked] )
porter_inc: (phone)
Will had told himself he wouldn't let what Peter had said bother him, and because he wanted to enjoy the first official day of his engagement to his sweetheart, he managed to succeed for a while. It wasn't until he decided to take a few minutes to call his mom and wish her a Merry Christmas that he thought about talking to Peter, too. Pete would be over at Inez's, along with the lesbians and his mother's gentleman friend, and he knew that his mom would put Peter on the phone.

Sure enough, after he had told her everything about the previous evening (almost everything) and listened to her gush for a while about wanting to tell all her friends the good news, she told him to hold on while she hunted down Peter. Will didn't have a choice, really. He didn't want his mom to know that anything was wrong.

"Hi, Will. Merry Christmas." Pete sounded contrite. Good, Will thought.

"Thanks, Pete. Merry Christmas to you, too." Will cleared his throat. "I just called to talk to Mom and I didn't want to tell her not to bother you. You know she worries when she thinks we're fighting."

"Will, I'm sorry. I'm a jerk. I didn't mean to dump all over you like that." Peter sighed, and Will could imagine him rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. He always did that when he was nervous or upset.

"You mean there was another way you wanted to dump on me?" Will smiled, not sure why he was kidding around. His feelings had really been hurt, but he didn't want to hold onto anything that could ruin this day.

"I'm serious, Will," Peter continued. "Listen, let me take you out to dinner when you get back."

"Okay, I'll ask Orli if he--"

"Just you," Peter said, cutting him off. "I owe you an apology and we need to talk some things out."

Will almost said that he was tired of talking things out with Pete, but he kept that to himself. "Peter, anything you have to say to me, especially about this, you can say in front of Orli."

"No, I can't, Will. Please?"

"Fine," Will sighed, relenting. "But, please, stop insulting me, okay? Every time you take a cheap shot it makes me question our friendship."

"Will!" Peter sounded so shocked, it actually startled Will. "That's the one thing you're not supposed to ever question. Remember? We always said that no matter what happened or who came into our lives, we were going to love each other the best and the most."

Will pressed his lips together and rubbed his eyes, suddenly tired. Of course he remembered that. He'd even told Kevin that when they'd started getting serious, forcing him to accept that Peter would come first. But that was when he'd assumed that no one could ever make him love them more than Peter. That had completely changed now and it made him sad that his friend wouldn't accept it. He knew he'd already told Peter that couldn't be true anymore, but he didn't want to rehash that on the phone.

"Remember?" Peter repeated when Will didn't say anything.

"I remember," Will finally answered. "But, I need to go. I'll see you when I get back, all right?"

When Will closed his cell phone, he immediately went over to Orlando and hugged him tight. Being with him was the only thing that mattered right now.
porter_inc: (cappucino)
I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I broke down and told Mom about the woman who wrote me claiming to be the product of Tobias's first marriage. I showed her the letter, then she went into her room and hasn't come out since. The door's locked and when I knock on it, she just tells me she needs a moment alone.

I called Ann and Helene to come over, but they were both busy. I was going to call some of her other friends, but I don't know if they know about Dad's first marriage. So, I called Pete. He's on his way.

Update: She let Pete in there to talk to her, but he locked the door behind him. At least I know she'll be okay if he's in there with her, but what kind of damage have I done?
porter_inc: (cappucino)
This is mainly going to be me listing out random things and commenting on them. Feel free to skip over it all because, like most of my ramblings, it's not really all that interesting. I just have to get it all out of my head so I can get some sleep.

1. Okay, I want to make this clear: Orlando and I are not living together. I'm living at home in Hartford. Orli's living in his home in New York. We basically commute to see one another, and I think the longest I've ever stayed over is a long weekend. I spend a lot of my time trying to keep myself busy during the week because I miss him a lot, but there is no cohabitation going on. He's still technically married. No, I don't see it as hypocritical that we're in love and having sex. Making the decision to live together is a completely different thing.

2. Orli told me the divorce will probably be final before Christmas. I'm sorry for the way things had to happen. I know how hard divorce is on both parties. The thing that breaks my heart the most is knowing he's lost his friend. Still, I believe in miracles. Talia no longer wants to stab my eyes out when she sees me, and what I did to her was a hell of a lot worse than what happened with Orli. Maybe after Cordy spends a ton more money, she'll come around. Is that bitchy of me to say? Ah, I'll let it stand. I'm tired.

3. Mom's birthday is tomorrow. I'm going to surprise her by making breakfast for her, then I'll be taking her out for a day in the city. The highlight of the day will be taking her to see The Nutcracker. She seems to think that the car was going to take care of her birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day presents for the rest of her life. Um, no.

4. Ann and Helene have worked out their problems and are finally ready to get pregnant. They asked me, again, to consider being the donor. I just don't know... Things are so much more complicated now than they were the first time they asked me.

5. I got a letter from a woman today who claims to be my sister. I didn't show it to Mom because she doesn't really like to talk too much about Dad's other family. Well, she doesn't really know that much about it. Or so she says. Anyway, I'm taking it with a grain of salt. I've also gotten marriage proposals (from men and women), naked pictures, recipes(!), nice letters, and a few religious tracts.

6. Peter's seeing someone. It's really, really, really weird. I'm happy for him, but I can't believe he's actually seeing someone who's not me. That's a lot more egotistical than I mean for it to sound. After Kory died, I was the only one Peter wanted to be with and he swore that he couldn't ever be happy with anyone else. I told him that wasn't true but he was so sure that he could never meet anyone he'd want. And now he has. I think it's great! But weird. I just hope it helps him ease up on me.

7. I got a postcard from Talia! She and lawyer man are honeymooning in Jamaica. It looks gorgeous and she sounds really happy. I'm glad she got the chance to have a real honeymoon with a real husband. I know he'll treat her well.

8. Jesus, I'm freezing. I really don't want to put on the flannel pajamas but I might have to. If my sweetie was here we could do that naked body heat thing.

9. Someone please explain why Paris Hilton is famous. And why Britney Spears thinks it's a good idea to be her new BFF.

10. Cocoa makes me happy.
porter_inc: (cappucino heart)
Jon Stewart is so cute! Just a random note because I'm watching the Daily Show and I think he's adorable. And, you know, Stephen Colbert cracks me up and is kind of sexy... Sure, maybe I need to get my news from a source other than Comedy Central, but there aren't any other anchors who're that kind of eye candy.

Ann came over for a visit today without Helene. We had tea and chatted about a few things that are on her mind. Luckily, she left before I grew breasts and my dick dropped off. Actually, she's having some trouble with H and I feel bad for her. I promised not to say anything to anyone (and it doesn't matter that anyone who'd see this doesn't know them) so I won't go into detail here, but after ten years together, maybe A needs to have fewer expectations. Not that I'm taking H's side or anything, but really, doesn't there come a point in a relationship when you have to accept the bad about someone as well as the good not only because you love them but because you'd like them to do the same for you? Sometimes it seems as if people think they're perfect and rush to pick out faults in others without looking at the faults within themselves. Hmm, I wonder if I should list out my faults and give them to Orli, just to give him a heads up.

Mom bought Blade and Wendell some sweaters (for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and a generic winter one). They are so cute, but I'm really worried that she's going to have a hard time when I move out and take them with me. And I don't think I can take Jake and Lani from Pete. I went to visit them this morning and they were so happy to see me. But I can tell that they're very attached to Peter, and vice versa. I'm so sad. But so grateful to him for taking care of them. But they're my babies. Or they were... I guess I don't need four dogs, right? And I couldn't move with all four of my babies. Okay, there's time to think about this.

I got a letter from Kevin. I threw it out.
porter_inc: (cappucino heart)
Mom was on a mission today. I saw her walking through the house with a big black garbage bag and when I asked her what she was doing, she said that she was ridding the house of evil. In case you were wondering, the evil was magazines, tabloids and newspapers. She refuses to let Peter bring over any more, and if they show up, she refuses to let me see them. She's been worried that I keep taking so many things to heart and wants me to be blissfully ignorant. I guess from this moment on I can act as if there's no such thing as nasty gossip and innuendo. I really can't argue with her point that it stresses me out. Plus, I know that assholes will always exist and whatever I feel about them doesn't really matter. All that matters to me is being with Orli, helping him through all of this and seeing what each new day has in store for us. That's all that should have ever mattered and I hate that I wasted so much energy worrying about anything else. It would have helped if I didn't have to defend us to my mom and my best friend. That's the thing that's been getting to me the most, to be honest. What I read only echoed what I know they were thinking. That's a big reason for why I want to move out and get my own place.

Speaking of which, I asked Mom what she'll do when I move out and don't have her to censor my reading material for me. She started asking me why I wanted to move out, etc. I basically told her that I need a place of my own now and I wouldn't be too far away. I couldn't come right out and say that I'd want total privacy when Orlando visits, but I'm pretty sure she got it. I haven't mentioned this to anyone, but I'm thinking of asking Talia if I can buy our old house from her. She and lawyer man are going to get their own house, and since I love the neighborhood and I could get my other boys back, it would work out. I still have to meet with Talia and see what she says, but I'm hopeful.

I forgot to say how my soufflé turned out! According to the lesbians (btw, they do have names: Ann and Helene), it was very good for a first time and if I practice, I'll be great. Oh! I'm going to learn to make Yorkshire pudding, too. I want to be able to do it the next time Orli comes over and A&H are going to help me plan a menu. They really are turning out to be the sisters I wish I had growing up. They're both older than I am (35 and 36), so they're starting to see me as a little brother, too. At least that's how they're starting to treat me, which is kind of funny considering they wanted me to father their kid. What's weird is if they get back on the baby train, I would feel more comfortable saying yes. 'Course, it's easy for me to say since I know they're not ready right now.

Sandy (who really needs to come visit) called me with some news. I won't go into details but a Seattle news station is going to interview Kevin in prison. I'm livid. I want to sue and I want to get a gag order or something but I don't know if I can. Then again, I want to stick by my resolution to ignore all the shit and concentrate on the good stuff. And there's so much more good than bad in this whole thing. So much more.

Okay. I'm officially letting it go. What the hell can he say, anyway? He's as bad as the rest of them (worse, actually), and not worth my time or energy.

I think I need to go meditate. Or drink. Or make a call.

Stuff

Oct. 26th, 2006 01:31 am
porter_inc: (cappucino)
There was some sweetness, some excitement and some oddness today.

I swear to god, Wendell told my mom he loves her. This little growly howl came out during dinner and it sounded like "Ri rove rou." Weird. It would make sense, though. She's been spoiling both boys absolutely rotten. Blade may very well serenade her tomorrow.

Mom's car arrived. It's a 2007 Toyota Camry because that's what she said she wanted when I was interrogating her (sneakily) to try and figure out what to buy. She loves it. After she scolded me for "wasting" my money, she took me for a spin to visit some of her friends. I had no idea that women in their 50s could get so excited over a new car. I still have lip prints on my face and one of them pinched my bottom. Saucy. I could totally have a Mrs. Robinson thing going on with her. If I weren't completely gay and involved with someone, of course.

I got an invitation to Talia's wedding in the mail. At first I thought it was a mistake, but there was a handwritten note in there from her. I won't share what it said, but my mouth is still hanging open in shock. It's got to be a trick. I've got spies on the case as we speak. Hopefully I'll find out what's going on. There's no way she can go from hating me to forgiving me in the course of a few weeks. I'm even more suspicious because she said she hopes I'll bring Orlando as my guest.

After much thought, I'm going to finally buy a car for myself. Dark blue Lexus convertible. Part of me thinks, "Oy, go for a classic!" (thanks, Ray) but the other, bigger part thinks, "Boy, you've earned this."

Car pictures! )

In other news, the lesbians are coming over tomorrow to teach me how to make a soufflé. They're postponing the baby thing again because of LD (Lesbian Drama(tm)), so in the meantime, I'm actually finding out that they're very sweet and a lot of fun. They popped over today to bring banana bread and tequila (something about a bet with Mom), and we all got to talking. Here's the good part: They told Mom they moved in together after dating for a week. This is the same woman who won't accept my being with Orli until we've been dating for at least three months. This is the same woman who constantly puts the lesbians up as a wonderful example of domestic bliss and commitment. So, what did I do when I saw the look of shock on her face? I laughed and laughed. Then, after a shot of tequila, I laughed and laughed some more.

I'm an evil son.
porter_inc: (cappucino)
I really like the new Justin Timberlake and John Mayer albums. Peter bought them for me as get well gifts. I'm partial to the John Mayer because it suits the way I'm feeling and it's nice and mellow. Plus, I think he has a sexy voice. I do have to give Justin some love, though, since "Sexyback" is pretty damn catchy. I'm over my standards phase for now.

Mom rented POTC and we watched it together after the lesbians left. It was cool watching it since, you know, Orli! I couldn't take my eyes off him. Mom teased me a little because I kept talking or getting up when he wasn't on screen, then shushing her when he was. I'm such a dork.

The lesbians have put me back on the list for sperm donors. The guy they'd decided on pulled out at the last minute. Um, I mean, he changed his mind. Not that he literally... So, anyway, I'm on a short list and they've asked me to think about it. Again. I'm leaning towards saying no because no child should be subjected to my genes. I think the talk about grandchildren got Mom even more excited about me doing this even though she's been told I'd have no legal right to the child. No more thinking about this until later. But I'm 99% sure I'll say no.

Peter's taking me to lunch tomorrow. He says he needs to talk to me about something important, but he can't stay over tonight because he has a meeting first thing in the morning. Wendell and Blade will be happy to have more room in the bed, I'm sure.

Oh, I almost forgot. Talia called today. She screamed something about me flaunting my filth so her friends could see it and then hung up on me. She's such a delicate flower. A fucking psychotic maneating Venus flytrap sort of flower.

Lesbians

Oct. 7th, 2006 03:08 pm
porter_inc: (cappucino)
I don't know why she did it considering I don't feel like showing my face to anyone but loved ones, but Mom's invited the lesbians over for dinner tonight. Maybe I'll stay up in my room. I could break out the Casio and play haunting melodies and Mom can tell them she has her very own Phantom.

I need to train Blade and Wendell to bite ankles on command.

Gah

Jun. 27th, 2006 07:34 pm
porter_inc: (scotch)
I swear, I can't remember the last time I updated this thing. I was doing so well with writing every day and then I lost my job and ended up doing something crazy like getting a life where I don't have to be at my computer all day. I guess it helps that I've had things to do around here and I can be up with Kev and his crazy schedule. When Kev's not here, I've been writing, but I've been doing that in notebooks like I did as a kid. It's easier for me somehow and doesn't feel like work the way sitting at a computer does.

Anyway, the reason I had to write after all this time is because I've been propositioned.

Remember my mother's lesbians? Yeah, me neither. I mean, they were sweet and everything when I met them, but I kind of forgot about them once I got back to Seattle. Anyway, guess who they told my mom they'd like to be a sperm donor? I almost dropped the phone. And I haven't even thought about discussing it with Kevin yet.

Part of me thinks, "Aw, I can do so much to help them, and it'll be a real gift."

Part of me thinks, "Cool, I'll be a dad, and I won't have any of the responsibility that goes with it."

Part of me thinks, "Damn, I'll be a dad, and I might be expected to actually care."

I guess those last two are basically the same thought. Nothing's been discussed at this point. Mom said she was "floating the idea." I think I need to talk to the lesbians myself and see if it was really their idea or if Mom's just trying to pump a grandchild out of me by any means necessary.

Checking in

May. 9th, 2006 06:39 pm
porter_inc: (slight smile)
Tomorrow's when I start heading out to meet my New York people. I'm so excited! It turns out that Peter's going to be too busy to go with me (big shot PR guy that he is) so I don't have to worry about the guilt of Kev not being by my side.

Random: I love lesbians!

I've never really had close friends who happen to be gay women, but my mother of all people introduced me to this couple from her book club. The three of them have become really good friends, and Mom wanted me to meet them. I wonder if this is her way of telling me she might like the ladies... :-) Anyway, they're both professional women, in their mid 30s, have been together for ten years, and are thinking about having a baby. That's all really great, I think. But, my god, they're so nice! I thought lesbians hated gay guys, but we got along really well, and we have so much in common. Plus, it turns out they're from Washington state and still have friends and family over there. I told them to look me up the next time they visit. I honestly feel as if I've known them all my life, which I know is a very strange thing to say since I've only known them for a couple of days. But... Maybe it's the complex of growing up as an only child who always wanted sisters. Who knows??

The five of us are going to have dinner tonight, and then tomorrow I head into the city. So far, this has been a great trip. I can't wait to see what happens on the rest of it.

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