porter_inc: (lounge)
I forgot to mention this the last time I posted (why can't I post every day the way I used to? Why do I feel so restless and disoriented all the time? I'm really starting to get sick of it. Maybe it's the meds I'm on. Except they make me feel nice and calm. So not sick of that. I should talk to David about it). It's only in the talking phase at the moment, but one of these days, Orli and I are going to get a house of our very own built.

I cannot wait. New house. New life. New beginning for the both of us.

Oh. And this is my first public post since I decided to make my journal friends only. It's not as if I'm spilling state secrets in this thing. If anyone (Kevin, for example) wants to comment or hassle me or comment in their journal about things I write in mine, who cares? I'm not scared of him anymore. I'm conflicted and wondering what I could have done differently, but I'm not scared. Anyway, huge kudos to my shrink for pointing out the fact that, while crazies may lurk and spy, they can only harm me if I let them. He also explained that my paranoia is perfectly reasonable since my life went from quiet and private to...not so much...in such a short period of time. Makes sense, right? I feel good. He talked me down. And it only took him a month to convince me that I can stop looking over my shoulder all the time (online)! I'm an open book. Always have been. I never wanted that to change. Thanks to the miracle of pharmaceuticals, it doesn't have to.
porter_inc: (shadow)
ooc: I argued with pup and won on the point that since he can't "lock" this post from Kevin (i.e. it's not his private thoughts), it can be public. Go me!

His first night in Los Angeles almost over, Will decides to give his email a quick check and make a post before heading to bed. The email from Kevin is unexpected, but instead of deleting it unread, morbid curiosity (and probably some inebriation) makes Will open it.

He reads it four times, gets a drink, then reads it again, not quite sure what he's feeling. David, his therapist, has mentioned closure with regards to Kevin, making a reply the first step towards that. His own paranoia makes him want to turn off his computer and go to bed. His need to be a better person - the kind of forgiving person he sees whenever he looks at Orlando - doesn't see the harm in a response. He reads the message one more time, drains the scotch in his glass, and hits reply.


To: pnw_pd@livejournal.com
From: will_porter@livejournal.com

Subject: Re: Please read this

Kevin,

You're right about the following things:

Sorry is inadequate. I am happy. You're one reason I locked my journal.

Things you should know:

I thought I hated you, but I don't. I want to make myself forgive you, but I can't. I don't trust you. I'm afraid of you. I don't miss you but I do miss the man I loved thought you were. I'm getting married.

There's no need for you to know anything more than that.

Will

P.S. I'm drunk. I'll probaby regret sending this come morning.
porter_inc: (thinking profile)
[locked]

I've started seeing the guy Dr. Irving recommended. I've been feeling so much better about everything, lately, but I'm doing this as a way to make sure I'm really ready to be married again. Does that sound weird? I'd think that proposing to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with would be the first clue that I am ready. But I'm scared because I don't want to screw this up. I haven't said anything to Orlando yet because I want to see how things go. Once I'm certain it'll help, I'll tell him.

Anyway, his name's David Blackney, he specializes in marriage and family therapy like Janice, and he reminds me of Mr. Rogers. He's very soft spoken, grandfatherly and wears a sweater. I actually got the Mr. Rogers theme song stuck in my head after our first session. Oy.

So far we've just been talking about my first marriage. It's a little strange to remember so many of the issues I had with Talia, and it's such a relief to go home to Orlando after it's all over. I don't feel overly emotional when I think about it, but I don't like dwelling on what's probably the biggest mistake of my life. He said he wants to talk about my other relationships, too, and what makes this one different enough for me to make this kind of commitment. Gee, talking about Kevin's going to be fun. There was actually a time when I considered marrying him - or thought about considering it, anyway - and knowing that scares the shit out of me. I was so caught up in him, and while it wasn't nearly as intense as what I feel for Orli, it was serious. And I couldn't have been more wrong about who he was. I know David's going to make me talk about the break up and the rape attack. I just hope it's quick. If he wants to start talking about Dad and the abuse, I'll just refer him to Janice. I'm not interested in going down that road with anyone but Orli, and that's only if he ever asks me about it.

I have to call Sandy this week. I'd like to arrange for her to meet me in L.A. when I'm ready to fly back to New York so we can take the same flight back. It'll be good to see her and I can explain in person that her being hired will be contingent on Orli meeting her and feeling that he can trust her to do the job. She's a smart woman so I'm sure she won't be expecting anything less

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